I AM Here

Gayle Forman's new book, I Was Here, came out earlier this week.

 As I am on a Reading/Digital Fast for 7 days and Tuesday was only the third day, I had planned on reading it this weekend when my fast is over.

Yeah.  Right.

Me waiting any longer to read an anxiously awaited book any longer than I have already waited?!  Seriously?!  I did well going one full day before I couldn't stand it anymore!

So regardless of my Reading fast, yes, I started--and finished--I WAS HERE--yesterday (one day after its official release date).

And just as I suspected, the book is amazing.  Read it.  Seriously.

What brings me to this blog today is the overall powerful effect Meg's and Cody's stories have in the fact that each is searching for truth  in, Does Anyone Know I am Here?!  Meg comes to a place where she is no longer able to face life, so she takes her own.  Cody realizes that even though life is hard, life is worth living--it's worth FEELING.

One of my favorite movies is Equilibrium.  It's about a futuristic Utopian society where everyone takes a drug several times a day in order to prevent them from feeling.  Anyone caught feeling, is killed--no trial, no guesswork.  They call it a "sense offense."  Of course there is a faction of those who refuse to take the drug because they determine that FEELING is worth dying for.  And it's in feeling that we know that we are truly ALIVE--that we are HERE.

As Cody searches for meaning in Meg's suicide in I Was Here, she finds that she has lived for so long in the shadow of her best friend, she has no idea what or how to feel without her best friend beside her.  So her journey is one of discovering her own self--her own feelings--that she IS H.E.R.E.  Meg no longer is, but she, Cody, IS.  And THAT is what matters.

It is a powerful epiphany for Cody in the novel, as it is for anyone who has ever traveled that road.  I know that for myself, a large part of why I feel such a desperate need to share my story is to know that I AM H.E.R.E.  And that I matter.  As well as the fact that each child I have lost--James Isaac, Panya Ruth, and Anna Rose--were each HERE.  They lived.  They may never have lived outside my womb, but for me, each one LIVED.

I felt the movements of my precious son as he grew within me.  I watched as his little foot came out of my stomach or his little tushy rolled from one side of my belly to the other.  I felt the pressure of his little body on my own bodily organs, especially my bladder.  

With each pregnancy, I felt the changes in my body:  the sore breasts, the weight gain, the nausea and morning sickness--every single day, a heightened sense of smell and touch, and the list goes on.  For me, whether it was James Isaac's stillbirth or the miscarriages of Panya Ruth and Anna Rose, they LIVED.  They WERE HERE.  They were and ARE as much a part of my as my one living son, Samuel.

My greatest desire is not just to know that I, personally, was here and that I made a difference in someone's life, but even more that others know and remember that each of my children were here and that they made a difference in my life--and hopefully in the lives of others.

I don't feel as if I'm doing a very good job of explaining what I'm trying to say.  I think that those of you who have lost loved ones will understand--at least I hope you do.

Word from the Holy Spirit

We had a really great Sunday School class today.  We were doing the Bible Study to Ann Voskamp's ONE THOUSAND GIFTS.  We're still on the first lesson; it's just taking us a while to get through everything.  

The question reads:  "Read:  John 11:38-44.  Ann talks about thanksgiving raising the dead.  What are some connections between thanksgiving and new life being unleashed in the dark and dead places of life?"

I've shared with my ladies this before, but I was telling them, again, about the deep, dark, scary, lonely cave I've been in over the past several years--a tomb-like cave (just as the tomb Lazarus was in).  Over the years, as I have studied JOY and begun to express gratitude and thankfulness for the things that bring me JOY and for the things I see around me that God has done and is doing for me, I have begun to move out of the darkest recesses of my cave towards the light.  Recently, I have felt as if I have been in the opening of my cave, but--as I told my counselor once, I expect that I will always have to be in or near my cave--either at the entrance or at least close enough to see it simply because of how deep my pain, hurt, and rage go.

Today, as I was sharing this, my beloved friend put down her pen and turned to me.  I saw it all as if it was happening in slow motion.  It wasn't until afterwards that we both realized it was a word from the Holy Spirit.  With tears streaming down her cheeks, she told me that God was going to take me COMPLETELY out of my cave and He was going to roll the stone over it so that I never have to enter it again.  God is going to change me such as I never expected.  He is going to fill me with His Holy Spirit as He completely heals me and brings me out of my cave--forever.  God is going to use me as an encourager.  I will be in the Light--in His light.  God has plans for me--to use what I have been through for His glory.  

Just as Christ raised Lazarus from the dead and brought him out of that dark, scary tomb, God is raising ME from the dead and bringing ME out of the tomb of death I've been in for several years--for far too long.

This wasn't part of the prophecy/Word from the Holy Spirt at the time, but as I have continued to study, read, and pray over this Word throughout the day, I also feel the Holy Spirit telling me that just as Christ wept over the death of Lazarus because He loved Lazarus, Christ has wept (weeps) over my spiritual death.  He loves me THAT MUCH.  And just as He raised Lazarus from the dead, He is raising ME from my [spiritual] death.

Wow.  

I still can't get over the power of that word.  The more I think about it, the more I write about it, the more I find myself in complete awe that He used my sweet friend to give this word to ME.  He loves me so much that He used His loved one to tell me exactly what I needed, desperately, to hear.  

I will never again look at the story of Lazarus being raised from the dead in the same way I have in the past!!!!

Thank You, Lord, for Your Word for me today.  I receive it.  I accept it.  I claim it.  I will not fight You as You lead me out of my cave--my tomb--into Your Light and close the door of my cave--my tomb--behind me.  

Remind me.  Bring this Word to my remembrance often.  Thank You, Lord!

John 11:35-36 & 38-44New Living Translation (NLT)

35 Then Jesus wept. 36 The people who were standing nearby said, “See how much he loved him!”

38 Jesus was still angry as he arrived at the tomb, a cave with a stone rolled across its entrance. 39 “Roll the stone aside," Jesus told them.

But Martha, the dead man's sister, protested, “Lord, he has been dead for four days. The smell will be terrible."

40 Jesus responded, “Didn't I tell you that you would see God's glory if you believe?" 41 So they rolled the stone aside. Then Jesus looked up to heaven and said, “Father, thank you for hearing me. 42 You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so that they will believe you sent me." 43 Then Jesus shouted, “Lazarus, come out!" 44 And the dead man came out, his hands and feet bound in graveclothes, his face wrapped in a headcloth. Jesus told them, “Unwrap him and let him go!"

New Living Translation (NLT)

Holy Bible. New Living Translation copyright© 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

It's All About the Joy, No Sorrow

I don't know where this came from, but the other day, I just blurted out, "It's all about that joy, no sorrow." I know that Meghan Trainor's song has been over-done in recent months and that a lot of people are sick and tired of it. I still like it; it simply has a cute, catchy beat and I can't help but enjoy the song itself. The rhythm just works with so many different thoughts and ideas as the vast number of parodies on youtube show us.

But it's the words that matter more than anything. God is working in my heart through my study on JOY and I simply want to follow what He is doing in me. I still lose my temper. I am still prone to depression. I still have days when I am so sad, I simply don't want to get off my couch. I still wonder how I am going to make it through just one more day.

The miracle, though, is that those days are fewer and farther between my joy-filled days. I LIKE the joy-filled days. I like myself when I am full of joy. I do NOT like myself when I am struggling. I can't imagine that those around like me very much on those days, either.

I had thought that maybe God was going to give me a new focus for 2015, but I it looks like I am simply going to continue focusing on Joy for at least one more year, if not longer. I am very okay with that.

All about that Joy

by Polly Anna Watson,

based on Meghan Trainor’s –

“All About That Bass”

Because you know

I'm all about that JOY

'Bout that JOY, no sorrow

I'm all about that JOY

'Bout that JOY, no sorrow

I'm all about that JOY

'Bout that JOY, no sorrow

I'm all about that JOY

'Bout that JOY

Yeah, it's pretty clear, I can jump for JOY

So I can make it, make it

Like I'm supposed to do

Cause I got that bounce bounce that shows all my God’s Grace

And all the right smiles on all the right faces

I got the oil o’ JOY, workin' that happiness

I know that God chose me

C'mon now, make a try

If you got legs and feet, just raise 'em up

Cause every part of you is ready

For all o’ God’s joy and happiness

Yeah, my Bible, it tells me God wants me to be full o’ joy

It says God likes a little more Hallelujahs from you

You know I won't be no bump on a log fixture ‘gainst the wall

So if that's what you're into then go ahead and move along

Because you know I'm

All about that JOY

'Bout that JOY, no sorrow

I'm all about that JOY

'Bout that JOY, no sorrow

I'm all about that JOY

'Bout that JOY, no sorrow

I'm all about that JOY

'Bout that JOY

Hey!

I'm bringing Happy back

Go ahead and tell them gloomy Guses that

God has poured out His oil o’ on me more than that

But I'm here to tell ya

Every part of you is ready for God’s oil o’ Joy, don’t ya know

Yeah, my Bible it tells me God wants me to be full o’ joy

It says God likes a little more Hallelujahs from you

You know I won't be no bump on a log fixture ‘gainst the wall

So if that's what you're into then go ahead and move along

Because you know I'm

All about that JOY

'Bout that JOY, no sorrow

I'm all about that JOY

'Bout that JOY, no sorrow

I'm all about that JOY

'Bout that JOY, no sorrow

I'm all about that JOY

'Bout that JOY

Because you know I'm

All about that JOY

'Bout that JOY, no sorrow

I'm all about that JOY

'Bout that JOY, no sorrow

I'm all about that JOY

'Bout that JOY, no sorrow

I'm all about that JOY

'Bout that JOY

Because you know I'm

All about that JOY

'Bout that JOY, no sorrow

I'm all about that JOY

'Bout that JOY, no sorrow

I'm all about that JOY

'Bout that JOY, no sorrow

I'm all about that JOY

'Bout that JOY

'Bout that JOY, 'bout that JOY

Hey, hey, ooh

You know you like this JOY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PCkvCPvDXk