The Wonder Woman

She grew up in an era when Wonder Woman was the hero of the

day. The show was a hit. Every little girl wanted to be Diana Prince, aka Wonder Woman. A truly wonderful woman who was beautiful, strong, smart, powerful, but every inch a woman--beloved by all.

Whenever she and her friends played pretend, she was Wonder Woman, turning in the Wonder-Woman twirl, going from Diana Prince to Wonder Woman in a brilliant flash of light.

She even had Wonder Woman Underoos that she wore until she could no longer wear them. Her little sister had Wonder Woman boots that she wore everywhere with every outfit. Yes, her sister even wore her Wonder Woman boots on Easter Sunday with her pretty, new Easter dress--no matter how much she and her brother begged their mom to make her sister take them off. Her younger sister would throw a tantrum until their mom simply had to give in out of sheer exhaustion. Like herself with her Wonder Woman Underoos, her sister wore those Wonder Woman boots until they fell off her feet.

As the years passed, she forgot about Wonder Woman. Not in such a way that she completely forgot, just forgot in such a way that life went on. The show was eventually cancelled. She grew up. Graduated from high school. Went to college. Got her graduate degree. Fell in love and got married.

And eventually she learned that she was going to have a baby. If the baby was going to be a girl, she would have her own Wonder Woman underoos!

But the baby didn’t make it.

Wasn’t Wonder Woman able to fix anything? Didn’t Diana always twirl around into Wonder Woman and use her magical lasso or her headband or bracelets to save the day? How come she couldn’t use that magic lasso of her deep love this time to make her baby breathe the same way she could get villains to tell the truth?

Wonder Woman NEVER failed.

Ever.

She ALWAYS got her man. She ALWAYS won the day. She ALWAYS saved those she cared about from certain death.

Always.

But this time she was a failure. Even the flash of light when she twirled didn’t change her from plain, ordinary, practically useless Diana Prince into the amazingly wonderful, powerful, strong, practically perfect in every way Wonder Woman. No matter how magical her lasso was, it was powerless this time. Her headband and bracelets couldn’t deflect the enemy’s bullets from taking the life of her Precious. Her invisible plane couldn’t whisk them away to her Amazonian home where magic abounded in a vain attempt to save him.

Wonder Woman NEVER fails.

Never.

She ALWAYS wins.

ALWAYS.

But not this time….

….not this time.

Achieving goals

As part of my recovery and choosing JOY regardless of what I've been through, I made a conscious decision to live my life with intentionality. So in January of 2014, I completed a dreamboard using dreamitalive.com. My dreams as noted on that dream board were--and still are: 

1. Marriage restoration--complete marriage restoration
2. Take a group of students to England (and see a play performed in the "new" Globe theater)
3. Be "Teacher of the Year"--or at least nominated for it
4. Go back to Disney and stay at a Disney resort for no less than 7 days
5. Get healthy--not really to lose weight, but to be healthy
6. "I am holding a copy of my new book in my hand. It's beautiful. It's the cover God showed me in a vision 15 years ago. Others are reading it and being blessed as a direct result of my story. God is being honored. - See more at: http://www.dreamitalive.com/pandapaw48/dreamboard#sthash.1xQPXTIC.dpuf"

I have had that dreamboard image tacked to my corkboard bulletin board on the door to my pantry in my kitchen ever since I created it. I see it every single day. I have prayed over it. Not much has changed about it--except that some of my dreams have come true....

1. Marriage restoration--complete marriage restoration--within a year of creating this dreamboard, my husband and I attended a "Weekend to Remember" event with FamilyLife Today. During that weekend, we re-committed ourselves to one another and renewed our vows. I'd call that a marriage restoration!
2. Take a group of students to England (and see a play performed in the "new" Globe theater)--I'm still trying for this one. I recently requested from the powers that be the opportunity to take a group of students to England, but because of recent travel restrictions, it's a no-go. I'll try again in a few months--once things have settled down as far as traveling is concerned. I'm not giving up!!!
3. Be "Teacher of the Year"--or at least nominated for it--as of today, March 21, 2017, I have been nominated for the "Excellence in Teaching" award for this year. (It means the same thing as "Teacher of the year.") I am truly humbled and honored for this nomination and I honestly mean it when I say that it is an honor just being nominated. It is a dream come true; one I put on my dreamboard as a "secret" dream that I didn't tell anyone about...until now. Now for the work of putting together all the necessary paperwork needed to fulfill my nomination requirements!
4. Go back to Disney and stay at a Disney resort for no less than 7 days--it'll happen....one day!
5. Get healthy--not really to lose weight, but to be healthy--So this one has been very difficult. I did start going to the pool; I even got a membership at a local gym with a pool. I was going at least 4 times a week. But then I got busy and had to pull back and I haven't had a chance to go now in more than a year. I want to go.....
6. "I am holding a copy of my new book in my hand. It's beautiful. It's the cover God showed me in a vision 15 years ago. Others are reading it and being blessed as a direct result of my story. God is being honored. - See more at: http://www.dreamitalive.com/pandapaw48/dreamboard#sthash.1xQPXTIC.dpuf"--the reality of publishing a book I've written is becoming more and more real. I still have a lot of work to do, but I'm being very proactive. I know that this dream will come to pass SOON!!!

I know that there are those who will read this blog entry and roll their eyes in reaction to what they perceive as me bragging or rubbing my successes in their faces. I can't help how some people respond. I'm truly sorry if you are one of these; I am not sharing because I want to brag or rub it in anyone's face. I am sharing because I want to Praise my God for what He has done and is doing in my life! 
Psalm 71:15, NLT: "I will tell everyone about your righteousness. All day long I will proclaim your saving power, for I am overwhelmed by how much you have done for me."

When the Music Begins

"Why are you so eager to die?"--writing prompt (following is what came from this prompt)**Revised**

When the Music Begins

        Frustrated, she screamed and swiped the papers, pens, pencils, knick-knacks, snacks, and drinks off the top of the piano. She repeatedly banged her head on the piano top, screaming incoherently through each pounding. The tears flowed freely. She was powerless to stop her temper tantrum, as she called it; others might have called it an anxiety attack or something more meaningful. She hated herself for her lack of control and inability to change anything, for her weakness.

        As if from out of a tunnel, soft moans of “Mom,” “Mo-o-om,” called her back to consciousness. Taking a quick moment to straighten her clothes and then rushing into the bathroom to splash some cold water on her face, she plastered on her biggest mommy-is-just-fine smile and went in to her son’s room. She fought the catch in her spirit as she looked once again on his too-tiny-for-his-age body. Choking back the sobs, she sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her Precious into her arms.

        He sighed contentedly as he relaxed into her, his head on her breast, feeling the solid beating of her heart telling him that it beat for him. “Mom?” he coughed.

        She couldn’t stop the tears, but she could control her voice, “Yes, Sugar-Bear?” She ran her fingers through his hair, snuggling him closer and murmuring soft words of comfort.

        “Why were you screaming?”

        “What?” she was horrified that he had heard her. She had been so wrapped up in her own emotions, she had forgotten how thin the walls were.

        “You have to finish it, Mom,” he croaked.

        “No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. . . .”

She wondered “Why are you so eager to die?”

She knew, deep in her very soul, that finishing the song meant his death. There was something un-namable, something un-identifiable about the connection between her writing this song and her son’s life.

        As long as she didn’t finish the song. . . she refused to finish the thought as she rocked her baby back and forth and her arms, still repeating, “No. No. No. No. No. . . .”

        He hugged her back, whispering, “It’s ok, Mom. It’s ok. Yes. It’s ok. It’s ok.”

         She soon felt his little body go slack in her arms. As she tucked him back in for the night, her tears continued flowing steadily. She leaned over to kiss his adorable, somehow-still-plump cheek and noticed a piece of paper clutched in his hand. She gently unfurled his fingers and smoothed out the wrinkles the best she could.

        Her hand flew to her mouth to stifle her cries even as her mind registered the words written in her son’s baby scribble, “Lord, please tell Mommy that You’ve got this. Jesus, please hold Mommy tight in Your arms as You are already holding me. Tell her it’s ok, Jesus. It’s ok. . . .”

        She crumpled to the floor, grabbed the extra blanket on the bottom of her son’s bed, stifling her sobs. She rocked back and forth, staring at the words on the paper until she could no longer see through her tears.

        After a long time, she gently sat on the edge of the bed and took his slight hand in hers. She kissed each miniscule finger and then held his hand against her cheek as she memorized every inch of her pint-sized Precious.

        Resolved, she quietly stole out of the room and went straight to her piano. She didn’t bother with all the paper and pens. Her heart knew the notes.

        As the angelic music filled the tiny apartment, he smiled in his sleep and dreamed of arms opening wide to welcome him home. . . .

He would be 18 this year....a high school senior

There is so much to be JOY-Full about in the month of March: my parents' anniversary, birthdays for a number of friends, family, and loved ones, good things happening at work and in my personal life, and first day of Spring. So many wonderful reasons to Celebrate.

But as we move further into the month of March, my heart is heavy,

too. Exactly two weeks from today, James Isaac would have been turning 18 years old. This is the year he would be graduating from high school and going off to college. But I'm not helping anyone select just the right college. I don't have to worry about filling out college applications or scholarship applications. Or even begin praying over him as he prepares to enter the military--that certainly could have been a realistic choice for him. I'm not spending any money for Senior portraits, graduation cap & gown, graduation announcements, a class ring, or even a downpayment on a place for him to live. We aren't visiting colleges. 

I'm not preparing myself for the day when he gets in his car and drives off to school--or we drop him off--and our home has one less body. I'll never tease him about only coming home so Mom can do his laundry or fix him a good, hot meal. 

He won't be going to see much-anticipated movies like Logan or John Wick with his brother [or me]. I won't be dragging him to see the live-action version of Beauty and the Beast as his 18th birthday present since it opens on his birthday.

We aren't planning a family Senior trip for both my nephew and James Isaac as we should be doing.

As others celebrate St. Patrick's Day, we celebrate life and love and the loss of a life. So when I wear Blue on March 17 instead of green, don't pinch me. I'll ALWAYS wear blue on March 17.

Always.

I can't tell you how desperately I want to have such wonders going on right now. 

*Don't worry. I'm ok. My heart is just heavy.

What I really wish others knew about me is...

What I really wish others knew about me is...that I may walk around day in and day out with a huge smile on my face, telling those who ask that I am "Peachy," but the truth is that I am more often than not wearing a mask. Yes, my Lord has anointed me with His oil of JOY more than anyone else, but inside, my soul continues to scream in pain because 3 of my children are not here on this earth with me. Their absence is ALWAYS on my mind and in my heart and soul. 

James Isaac-3/17/99
Panya Ruth-11/10/99
Anna Rose-11/22/05