Some time ago, we were singing "I Need You More" (see below for the words and a link to a video) and another song that is similar, "You're All I Need" (this may be a song we sing that is personal for our church because I cannot find the lyrics or a video for it) during our amazing worship service at church. As we were worshiping, I focused carefully on the words I was singing: "I need You more....more than anything...." and I began to weep as I realized that I was lying as I sang those words.
I was singing these words to my Lord and Savior, but I did not mean them.
All I could think was that I did not need Him more than anything...what I NEEDED more than
anything were my babies, here, with me, alive, in my arms, running around the church, praising the Lord with me, warm bodies pressed against my leg or my heart as I held them close. I needed to be able to call them down when they got too loud during preaching. I needed to give them paper to draw on as they colored. I needed a little body sitting on my lap, snuggling close as we listened to Daddy preach the Word of the Lord.
I NEEDED my babies, not Jesus.
The guilt overwhelmed me as I had to quit singing because I could not sing words that were a lie. It was in that moment that I realized that I needed serious help. I realized that because of my desperate need to have my babies with me--alive, whole, and healthy--I was desperately angry at God because they weren't. I didn't want--or need--God; I wanted, NEEDED, my babies.
I do not believe that there is anything inherently wrong in my need for my babies I have lost. The problem was that I was playing the Victim Card. The problem was that I was looking at and Seeing what I had lost--what I didn't have--rather than what I had/have. The problem was that I had lost my JOY [in living]. The problem was that I was Angry at God because I had served Him my whole life and I didn't understand Why.
The problem was that I had turned my back on the very One who desperately wanted to Love me...to Comfort me....to show me that He was holding my babies in His loving arms and that they are all waiting for me to join them [one day].
I wish I could tell you that my broken, angry heart was healed that very day as I realized how far I'd turned my back on God, but the simple truth is that the pain went deep into my very soul and I had to deal with my anger at God before healing and restoration could take place.
I think that as Christians we can get very frustrated--angry--hurt--feeling left out when we see others restored instantaneously through the power of the Holy Ghost but yet we have to travel a long journey to get to complete healing and restoration. What do those others have that I don't have? Why does God "favor" them by restoring them immediately? Why do I have to pay for months, years, of counseling?
Why?!
I have come to realize that there isn't an answer to my questions. Things simply ARE the way they are. God sees, He KNOWS, the bigger picture. He knows when we need instant healing and when we need to travel a journey.
I didn't want Christ. I didn't NEED Him. I wanted--NEEDED--my babies. And as we sang a song about needing my Lord more than I needed anything else, I found that I didn't need Him more than the air I was breathing or my next heartbeat. I NEEDED my babies.
The problem was that I had turned my back on the very One who desperately wanted to Love me...to Comfort me....to show me that He was holding my babies in His loving arms and that they are all waiting for me to join them [one day].
I wish I could tell you that my broken, angry heart was healed that very day as I realized how far I'd turned my back on God, but the simple truth is that the pain went deep into my very soul and I had to deal with my anger at God before healing and restoration could take place.
I think that as Christians we can get very frustrated--angry--hurt--feeling left out when we see others restored instantaneously through the power of the Holy Ghost but yet we have to travel a long journey to get to complete healing and restoration. What do those others have that I don't have? Why does God "favor" them by restoring them immediately? Why do I have to pay for months, years, of counseling?
Why?!
I have come to realize that there isn't an answer to my questions. Things simply ARE the way they are. God sees, He KNOWS, the bigger picture. He knows when we need instant healing and when we need to travel a journey.
I didn't want Christ. I didn't NEED Him. I wanted--NEEDED--my babies. And as we sang a song about needing my Lord more than I needed anything else, I found that I didn't need Him more than the air I was breathing or my next heartbeat. I NEEDED my babies.
But that thinking, that NEED, was stealing my Joy. It was keeping me in a place of extreme Rage--at God, my husband, my family, at Life. My very soul was in darkness.
It is as I have come to truly realize my desperate NEED for my Lord and Savior that I am finding JOY again. It is in finding my NEED for Him that my Rage abated. As I allowed myself to NEED Him more than anything, I found my soul living in the Light.
Do I still want my babies here with me rather than in Heaven with Christ? You bet your bippy, I do. I absolutely wish things had been different. I would much rather have James Isaac here, driving us around and helping us teach his younger brother and sisters everything he has learned. I would much rather have three kids in high school and one in middle school. It would not bother me in the slightest to buy Christmas presents for 4 children instead of just one. I would love to be able to have all 4 children wear matching t-shirts with my husband and I. I would love to be able to do the "girly" things (whatever they would want that to be) with my girls. It would be really awesome if James Isaac, Panya Ruth, and Anna Rose were all here with their brother, Samuel.
But living without Christ being ALL I NEED is not a good place to be. Living with Christ as ALL I NEED has been everything I need. And that is enough.....
It is as I have come to truly realize my desperate NEED for my Lord and Savior that I am finding JOY again. It is in finding my NEED for Him that my Rage abated. As I allowed myself to NEED Him more than anything, I found my soul living in the Light.
Do I still want my babies here with me rather than in Heaven with Christ? You bet your bippy, I do. I absolutely wish things had been different. I would much rather have James Isaac here, driving us around and helping us teach his younger brother and sisters everything he has learned. I would much rather have three kids in high school and one in middle school. It would not bother me in the slightest to buy Christmas presents for 4 children instead of just one. I would love to be able to have all 4 children wear matching t-shirts with my husband and I. I would love to be able to do the "girly" things (whatever they would want that to be) with my girls. It would be really awesome if James Isaac, Panya Ruth, and Anna Rose were all here with their brother, Samuel.But living without Christ being ALL I NEED is not a good place to be. Living with Christ as ALL I NEED has been everything I need. And that is enough.....
"I Need You More" as sung by Kim Walker-Smith, Jesus Culture
I need You more
More than yesterday
I need You Lord
More than words can say I need You more
Than ever before
I need You Lord
I need You Lord
More than the air I breathe
More than the song I sing
More than the next heartbeat
More than anything
And Lord as time goes by
I'll be by Your side
Cause I never want to go back to my old life
I need You more...
We give you the Highest Praise!
We give you the Highest Praise!
A We give you the Highest Praise!
More than the air I breathe
More than the songs I sing
More than anything, I need you more..
More than yesterday
I need You Lord
More than words can say I need You more
Than ever before
I need You Lord
I need You Lord
More than the air I breathe
More than the song I sing
More than the next heartbeat
More than anything
And Lord as time goes by
I'll be by Your side
Cause I never want to go back to my old life
I need You more...
We give you the Highest Praise!
We give you the Highest Praise!
A We give you the Highest Praise!
More than the air I breathe
More than the songs I sing
More than anything, I need you more..
Works Cited
Shen, Jean. "Series 1: Healing of Wounds of the Bride and Growing Intimacy with the Lord." Invitation to His Garden. Prophetic Art. Web. 6 Sept. 2014. <http://www.jbrushwork.com/html/paintings.html>.
Walker-Smith, Kim. I Need You More. Jesus Culture. 2011. Youtube. Web. 16 May 2016. <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6rS_V0TTeY>.
