Dance with Joy: Part 2

2 Samuel 6: 14, 21-22, NLT

14: And David danced before the Lord with all his might....

21: David retorted to Michal, "I was dancing before the Lord, who chose me above your father and his family! He appointed me as the leader of Israel, the people of the Lord. So I am willing to act like a fool in order to show my joy in the Lord.
22: Yes, and I am willing to look even more foolish than this...!"

David tells Michal that he dances before the Lord because the Lord chose him above Saul and his descendants to be the leader of Israel--in other words, the King of Israel. I am sure David had many other reasons for dancing before the Lord considering the fact that God had saved David from both a bear and a lion and had given David victory over the giant Goliath, but I guess becoming King of a nation loved by God would hold precedence over everything else.

As I read David's retort to Michal, I can't help but think of my own reasons for dancing before the Lord, for showing my own Joy in the Lord.....(in no particular order):

1. I am here. I have almost died several times in my life, but yet here I am, 45 and still here. 

• When I was about 3 years old, I almost drowned. My parents were the directors of a church camp and Dad was repairing the olympic size swimming pool. While water was running into the deep end, my brother and I ran down the incline to touch our toes to the water. Dad was working at the other end of the pool, but when I slipped and went right under, you'd think he'd been standing immediately beside me considering how fast he got to me! All I remember is seeing the smiley face on his black sneakers.
• As a teenager, I choked on a piece of meat during supper. My brother had to perform the Heimlich and saved my life. 
• I had a car accident that should have killed me, but didn't. I stupidly tried to pass a school bus on the way home from school. When I realized I didn't have enough time to pass, I slammed on my breaks too hard which sent my car spinning in the road until it careened over the edge of a ravine, landing with the front end up at the top of the embankment. Miraculously, I walked away.
• In my early twenties, just days before my wedding, I had another car accident that should have killed me, but again, didn't. I had called my mom before I left work and asked if she wanted to meet me for lunch at my favorite place. She'd agreed. As I didn't want to eat in my work uniform, I decided to race home to change clothes real quick since I had a few minutes before she would be able to leave work. As I was coming up to a cool hill, I did my normal going too fast up and over the hill. Usually, that wasn't a problem, but this time, I didn't slow down enough in time to go around the sharp curve. I went off the right side of the road, jerked the steering wheel to the left, causing the car to swerve to the opposite side of the road where it hit a ditch, went front end over back--at least twice, took out a bush-like tree in the front yard of a friend's house, and landed upside down with the roof caved in so badly that had I been any taller, I would either have broken my neck or it would have killed me. I walked away from that one, too.
• At 29, while I was pregnant, my doctors found a cyst on my left ovary. At first, it was about the size a golf ball, if not a little smaller. Within 6 weeks, though, it grew to the size of a grapefruit. They determined that it had to come out, so they operated while I was 20 weeks pregnant! They called it a "tumor," but, Praise the Lord, it was "benign," whatever that means.
• In my late thirties, I had a severe infection from diverticulitis
  
  that resulted in my having emergency surgery where I was given an ostomy bag that I had to have for three months--just to save my life. (I've written about this one in detail in a previous post if you want to know more.)
• Since that time, I have dealt with other health issues such as chronic gastritis, two hernias--that I still have because they don't bother me enough to do anything about yet, severe back pain, severe shoulder pain, and others. I have also had mental health issues such as depression and anxiety.

2. God has restored my marriage. Just a few short years ago, I was ready to call my marriage Quits-ville. I was DONE. I hated my husband. I was angry with my husband. The very sight of him sent me into a rage. But yet God has given me a new love and respect for this man I once hated.

3. God has given me my Son, Samuel. Yes, he is a "rainbow baby."

4. Through each of my 3 child losses, God has been with me. Remember that "Footprints" poem? God has carried me a LOT over the past 17 years.

5. I have AMAZING parents who love and serve God with all their hearts, all their minds, all their souls, and all their strength and who love me unconditionally---and they demonstrate their love for me in a thousand different ways. I am truly blessed.

6. I have AWESOME siblings, Kenny (11 months older) and Katie (7 years younger), whom I love with every fiber of my being and who I know love me, regardless of whether we communicate with one another every day or only a few times a year.

7. I have WONDERFUL extended family members who make me laugh as no one else can. We enjoy being together and again, even if we don't see each other or communicate with one another for years, when we get together again, the laughter and the love has a strength that can only come from God above.

8. I have a job that I love. I know that I am doing what God called me to do in my teaching. Even at the highest moments of stress, I still enjoy my students.

9. I have a wonderful home with air conditioning and heat and all the other fantastic comforts that make a home.

10. I have a great car that I call "Lady Grey."

11. He delights in me!!!

12. He loves me so much that He gave His ONLY Son so that I might have eternal life with Him. 

13. He sings over me with Joy!!!  
Zephaniah 3:17New Living Translation (NLT)

17 "For the Lord your God is living among you.
    He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
    With his love, he will calm all your fears.[a]
    He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”

And my list can go on and on because God has done so very much for me. Any one of the items on this list is sufficient to demonstrate the reason why I am willing to act the fool to show my joy in the Lord! Granted, I don't always dance to demonstrate my joy, but I do sing with great enthusiasm (if not perfect pitch). I play the tambourine that my Grandpa Keefer used to play in church. Honestly, I'd love to dance, too, but singing and playing the tambourine at the same time are challenging enough! Whenever I attempt to add dancing into the mix, I either have to stop singing or I have to stop playing the tambourine! I can't do all 3 at once!

I try to find other ways to demonstrate my joy in the Lord, such as doing a daily "What brings me Joy?" post on Facebook. I continually seek for and read scripture pertaining to Joy. I have read a dozen books or more on Joy. I try to spread His joy and to demonstrate His love to the best of my ability. 

God has done so very much for me. I have every reason in the world to praise Him and to be the fool to show my show in Him. I KNOW that I am here today and that I am able to choose Joy because He loves me and has always taken care of me.

Will (do) you make a fool of yourself to show your joy in the Lord? What are your reasons for rejoicing in Him? How do you demonstrate your joy?

Dance with Joy

2 Samuel 6: 14, 21-22, NLT

14: And David danced before the Lord with all his might....
21: David retorted to Michal, "I was dancing before the Lord, who chose me above your father and his family! He appointed me as the leader of Israel, the people of the Lord. So I am willing to act like a fool in order to show my joy in the Lord.
22: Yes, and I am willing to look even more foolish than this...!"

This passage has always fascinated me. For one, because Michal, David's wife & Saul's daughter, is so incredibly judgmental of David dancing before the Lord. She rebukes him and tells him that he looks like a fool. Every time I read this, I want to reach through my Bible and slap Michal silly. David is her husband, the King of Israel. Apparently she wanted to marry David because she was in love with him. (Go back a few chapters for that part of the story.) David has been away from home and she hasn't seen him in quite a while. Yet she calls him a fool and tells him that not only is she embarrassed, but that he should be ashamed of himself, as well.

I get so sick and tired of judgmental people. I grew up in a variety of church denominations: Baptist, Pentecostal, Pentecostal Holiness, Free Will Baptist, Bapti-costal, and Pentecostal in the form of an Assembly of God. Many of my favorite worship services have been when we were encouraged to dance before the Lord with all our might or to shout and Praise the Lord and to rejoice enthusiastically in our Lord and Savior.

We had this one sweet man in a church we attended when I was about 10-ish, Mr. Jimmy Little. He was probably in his late seventies or somewhere in his eighties about this time, so he was definitely an elder of the church who was loved and respected by all who knew him. (He and his wife adored my little sister; they always had candy in their pockets for her and she always made sure to "visit" them at some point during each and every worship service.) One of the most precious things I remember about Mr. Little was his love for the Lord and his way of celebrating Him. Rather than just shout "Amen" during a service, he would do this high-pitched, "Whoop-whoop-Wooooooo!" To this day, almost 40 years later, I can still hear him just as clear as day rejoicing in the Lord in his own way and it brings a smile to my face.

Now if I enjoyed hearing Mr. Little praise the Lord in his own way, doesn't it stand to reason that the Lord Himself was pleased with Mr. Little demonstrating his joy in the Lord? You can't convince me otherwise. I witnessed Mr. Little's joy for myself. He is remembered fondly in our family as someone who gladly made a fool of himself in order to show His joy for the Lord!

Michal was completely wrong in her embarrassment of David, her husband. So much so that not only does David rebuke her and tell her that he is willing to act like a fool in order to show his joy in the Lord because of all that the Lord has done for him, but God, too, disciplines Michal as we read in verse 23 that "Michal, the daughter of Saul, remained childless throughout her life." If that isn't a firm statement from God Himself that Michal was in the wrong for criticizing David, I don't know what is! Remember: a woman's main role was to marry and provide sons for her husband, especially the wife (and daughter) of a King.

In the New Testament, Jesus Himself tells us that we shouldn't judge one another: "Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. For others will treat you as you treat them. Whatever measure you use in judging others, it will be used to measure how you are judged" (Matthew 7:1-2, NLT). It saddens me how in our world today we continue to judge one another--especially those who enthusiastically demonstrate their love for the Lord, or show enthusiasm for anything, for that matter.

In my Sunday School class the other day, we were talking about how difficult it is to remain in a state of joy in the Lord. Once we begin to feel and experience the Joy of the Lord, someone inevitably comes along and does everything in his/her power to steal our joy.

I call them my "Joy Poppers." I imagine them with bows and arrows, shooting at my balloons of joy that God has given me. The loud Pop! whenever they successfully shoot a balloon is felt deep into my very soul and can send me into a depression--if I'm not careful. My ladies were telling me that they feel the same way. Just when they begin to feel true Joy, someone says or does something that makes them feel ridiculous for having felt any joy at all.

So, to all the "Michals" out there, remember that Michal is the one who was ultimately chastised for her judgmental criticism of King David, her own husband, who was dancing before the Lord with all his might. (Isn't it interesting that quite often it's our own family members who tend to be our "Joy Poppers"?) The enemy rejoices when we allow the judgments of others keep us from showing our joy in the Lord with all [our] might. We know that Joy comes from the Lord, those of us who believe, so when the "Joy Poppers" attempt to keep us from experiencing Joy, they are being used by the enemy.

I, for one, refuse to allow the Michals, the "Joy Poppers," keep me from showing my Joy in the Lord with all my might....How about you?

Works Cited

2 Samuel. Holy Bible New Living Translation. Slimline Edition. Wheaton: Tyndale House, 1996. Print.

We are so Precious to God.....

"10 Just then a hand touched me and lifted me, still trembling, to my hands and knees. 11 And the man said to me, “Daniel, you are very precious to God, so listen carefully to what I have to say to you. Stand up, for I have been sent to you.” When he said this to me, I stood up, still trembling.

12 Then he said, “Don’t be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day you began to pray for understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your request has been heard in heaven. I have come in answer to your prayer. 13 But for twenty-one days the spirit prince[c] of the kingdom of Persia blocked my way. Then Michael, one of the archangels,[d] came to help me, and I left him there with the spirit prince of the kingdom of Persia." Daniel 10:10-13, NLT

In all the years I have read and studied my Bible, one of my favorite Bible stories has always been Daniel in the lion's den--and another was the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abnego in the fiery furnace. Beyond that, I knew the book of Daniel was about the end times, but I never paid much attention about those parts of the book.

Recently, though, in Sunday School, we have been doing Priscilla Shirer's new Bible Study, The Armor of God. The first lesson is all about understanding the importance of prayer as our first piece of armor and how we are already IN the heavenly realms. (If you need a new Bible Study, I highly recommend this one. It's fantastic.)

Anyway....

As I was doing my Bible reading this week, I was in the book of Daniel and I discovered that I have not given enough credit to the whole book. I "discovered" Daniel 9:23: "23 The moment you began praying, a command was given. And now I am here to tell you what it was, for you are very precious to God." (NLT) Even though I have read my Bible through a number of times throughout my life, it was as if I was reading this passage for the very first time. And it really struck me with a Holy Spirit power how Gabriel told Daniel that a command was given THE MOMENT Daniel began praying--and that Daniel was VERY PRECIOUS to God.

Do you see that? THE MOMENT Daniel began praying, God was answering his prayer. THE MOMENT Daniel began praying, God dispatched Gabriel to go to Daniel to minister to him and to explain the vision Daniel had seen. Daniel was so VERY PRECIOUS to God that THE MOMENT he began praying, God was hearing, listening, at the ready to respond.

Wow. I saw in awe of this passage and read it and re-read it probably a hundred times over the next several days. I shared it with my ladies in Sunday School and they seemed as much in awe of it as I was.

Then throughout the following days, I read Daniel 10 and I came to the passage above. Again, the angel Gabriel was sent to minister to Daniel THE FIRST DAY Daniel began praying to God. Of course, after getting excited over Daniel 9, I sat up straighter and paid more careful attention to the passage as a whole.

Notice carefully, though, that in spite of the fact that God sent Gabriel THE FIRST DAY Daniel began praying, it took him 21 days to get to Daniel. Do you see why?

That's the part that really struck me. Stay with me here.

As Gabriel was on his way to Daniel, he was blocked the "spirit of Persia." Now, whether you believe me or not, it is my understanding that this "spirit of Persia" is Satan, or at least one of Satan's minions. The "enemy" (Satan) kept the angel Gabriel from getting to Daniel for 21 days even though he had begun his journey to Daniel THE FIRST DAY Daniel had prayed to God! According to one source, the number 21 in the Bible represents "the great wickedness of rebellion and sin."  

Even the angels of God are subject to the enemy's determination to destroy our relationship with our Savior. 

Twenty-one days. That's almost a month. It's 3 weeks. In earthly terms, that's a LONG time. Or, it can be. 

But what I really want us to notice here is the fact that AS SOON AS Daniel began praying, God sent Gabriel to him, but Gabriel was detained. Daniel was considered "precious to God."

Do you realize that WE are considered PRECIOUS TO GOD, too?! Do you realize that THE MOMENT we begin praying, God sends His angels to minister to us?! Do you realize, though, that like Gabriel going to Daniel, the angels sent to us are also blocked by the enemy and/or his minions?! Do you understand that God RESPONDS TO OUR PRAYERS IMMEDIATELY? But the enemy knows that God answering our prayers is one way that we grow in our relationship with Him, so He does everything in his power to keep the angels of God from getting to us?!

So while we're on earth in our human bodies, crying and moaning and despairing of ever receiving a response from God, maybe, just maybe, God began answering our prayers THE MOMENT we began praying! 

We are Precious to God.

The Moment we begin praying to Him, He moves to answer.

God is a God who has given us free will which means that we must Pray as a way of letting Him know that we Receive Him--the gift of His Son--before He moves. But the MOMENT we begin praying, He is at the ready to respond!

The enemy is going to do everything he can to keep us from having a deeper relationship with our Lord and Savior. 

So the next time you pray and you don't receive an answer in the timeline you feel is appropriate, just remind the enemy that no matter how long he blocks God's angels from getting to you, you will WAIT because God answered your prayers the MOMENT you began praying. It is the enemy who keeps that answer from getting to us.

God HEARS and ANSWERS our prayers AS SOON AS we begin Praying, but we must begin praying first.

Hallelujah!

My Daddy

When you were growing up, did you ever realize just how very much your parents LOVED you? As a kid, I didn't. My parents were my parents. They did what I assumed all parents did: provided food and shelter, gave us comfort, took us on vacations, made us spend time with our grandparents, helped with our homework, and so on and so forth. I mean, they were my Parents. I didn't have conscious expectations because my parents were simply always THERE--as I thought all parents were. I knew I was loved, but I had no idea the depth of that love.

My dad worked second shift most of my early growing up days, but he made it a point to come to school functions, volleyball games (even though I NEVER got to play), my Bible Drill competitions, and other various "important" activities for my brother and I. When I got in trouble for not completing an assignment at school, I remember my Dad sitting down with me at the kitchen table to help me with my homework--something he never did because he worked second shift. (I have no idea how he managed to be there unless it was a weekend or he had taken time off work. I've never thought to ask him.) The first thing Dad made me do was put my name, date, and the class and assignment information at the top of the page. I don't remember much more about that study session, but I do know that I made good grades throughout the rest of my education and to this day, I still date and label EVERYTHING and I encourage my son and my students to do the same.

I don't think I was a bad kid. I lived to please, so I was not in trouble all that often. When I was, though, punishment was swift and severe. One time in particular, my cousin and I had talked and giggled all through church in spite of the fact that I knew better and my dad had given me "the look" several times throughout the service. When we got home, Dad took both my cousin and I out to the barn where he proceeded to paddle me in front of my cousin. I have NEVER misbehaved in church since! (This was NOT child abuse. It was a clear, just punishment for a wrong I had committed.) 

It wasn't too long after that incident when Dad actually quit spanking me. It makes me smile to remember how he would pull me into a room, away from my brother, and lecture me about what I had done wrong and why I was being punished. Then he would tell me to bend over and proceed to hit the bottom of his shoe! I was warned NOT to tell my brother and to be sure I cried so Kenny (my brother) would believe I had been spanked! Believe me, crying was NOT difficult!!! LOL! 

My Dad was always so very loving that when the punishments came, I knew I had deserved them and that he was truly punishing me because he loved me. The very first Bible verse I had ever learned was, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right" (Ephesians 6:1, KJV). I took that lesson very seriously. I wanted to do what was right, so I always tried to be a good girl. I think I was--mostly. My dad rewarded us often with compliments and other things that I tried never to take for granted. A trip to McDonald's was a real treat! As was a visit to Baskin Robbins! Dad was never too terribly demonstrative with his love and affection, but it was always clear to me that he loved me.

One thing I loved doing with my dad was watch certain tv shows and movies. I started watching James Bond movies at such a young age, I feel as if I have always been a Bond fan. I even wanted to grow up to be a Bond girl! I always loved watching football with my dad and brother, too. They loved it, so I loved it. I became a fan of Barbra Streisand because my dad loved her. Dad loved country music, especially Hee Haw and Roger Miller; I became a fan of those as well. Dad had these Roger Miller records and whenever I was home alone (which wasn't too terribly often), I would put on one of those records, play it as loud as I dared, and sang along at the top of my lungs! Dad also enjoyed the comedy of Jose Jimenez. I listened to his record so much, I not only had it practically memorized, but even 40 years later, I will quote Jose!

Mom and Dad both were my very first teachers. They taught VBS or Children's Church and they always did things (activities) that were fun and quite memorable. I still remember many of their lessons and, more than that, I model my teaching style after them. My friends and I always loved it when it was my parents' turn to teach class. 

One thing my dad did when I was little that made me feel extra-special was he took me with him on a trip to Florida to visit his parents. It was something like a 12-hour trip and, according to him, I talked to him THE WHOLE WAY THERE! Apparently I felt it was my "job" to help keep him awake while he drove. That trip made me feel as if my dad loved me just a little bit better than he did my [perfect] brother and I reveled in the feeling. Yes, I'll go so far as to say I glowed in his love.

When it was time to go to college, my parents made sure that I had that opportunity. I had wanted to go to a Bible College. Yes, in part to get my "MRS" degree, but I also honestly wanted a Biblically-based college education. Because my brother was only a year older and had chosen East Carolina University, to save money (and I'm sure a whole host of other reasons), my parents made me go there, too. I was crushed. My dad told me, though, that if I gave ECU one year, then at the end of that year, we would re-evaluate and decide about a Bible College then. Of course I readily agreed. (Note: once I started at ECU, I never thought about leaving or Bible college again--until I started dating a man who planned to go to Bible college.)

When I first got married, I thought I understood Love. I was so very much in love with my new

husband. He was so excited to be married and begin living my life with the man I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with. My dad gave me away and, in spite of the fact that I adored my parents, I was ready to move on--to move out. My new husband and I moved a few months later to Missouri (we live in NC) where we lived for the next three and a half years while my husband went to Bible College. 

Out of all our family, only one of my husband's 12 siblings came to visit us while we were in Missouri--with his family. All of my family came to visit, especially my parents. We lived there back when it cost a lot of money to make long-distance phone calls, so I didn't get to talk to my parents but maybe once a week. When my husband wanted to stay in Missouri for a few years after he graduated, my mom and dad helped him see what a bad idea that was by getting their pastor at the time to have my husband go home to be their pastor for a month while he (their regular pastor) went on a month-long vacation. I started packing the day I put my husband on the airplane! He called within a week to tell me that he thought we needed to go ahead and move back home even if it meant living with my parents until he got his first pastorate. My mom and dad were the ones who came to help us move back to NC. The only ones. We could not have moved as we did if they had not come. 

My mom and dad have always been my solid rock. I always knew I could rely on and depend on them, no matter what, But it wasn't until we lost our precious James Isaac that I TRULY understood the depth of my parents' love for me--my dad's in particular.

We had seen on the ultrasound that our worst fear was true and had made the decision to go ahead and induce my labor. My doctor asked if there was anyone we needed to call. I told him that yes, I needed to call my mom and dad. (My husband's parents had both passed by this time.) My doctor told us to go ahead and use the office phone in spite of the fact that it was a long-distance call. I don't think they ever charged us for that phone call.

I dialed the number and when my dad answered in his customary cheery, "Praise the Lord, Kinseys!" I said, "Daddy? Oh, daddy?"

That was all I said. But my Daddy KNEW. He immediately asked me if James was there and to hand him the phone. My husband proceeded to tell my dad what was going on while I wept. 

Several hours later, Mom and Dad finally arrived. We live four hours apart, so they came as quickly as they could. They hugged me as best they could considering I was in a hospital bed hooked up to tubes and wires and such. I noticed a nasty bruise around my mom's wrist. When I asked her what had happened, she told me that when she had gotten home from work, she was rushing around like a chicken with her head cut off in anticipation of getting supper ready, so my dad couldn't get a word in edge-wise. To get her attention, he grabbed her wrist, leaving the bruise.

The only time in my whole life I have ever known my dad to hurt anyone.

A number of years later, I was in the hospital again. This time it was because I had severely infected diverticulitis. As I've shared previously, I was literally at death's door. Dad came to see me and to get my son to take back home with him for Thanksgiving. I am told that by the time my dad got home after visiting with me, he himself had health issues that took several months to resolve--as a direct result of stress and worry.

I'd always known I was loved by both my parents. That was never a question. What I didn't know--truly understand--was the depth of their love for me. It shames me to say that I have often taken them and their love for me for granted. My dad has been THE example of what a true Daddy is. He has shown me by his love for me the love of my Heavenly Father and has taught me that because of his love for me, I am Special and Important--even when I don't feel special or important.

It is a shame that so many of us don't appreciate the love our parents have for us until we are older and/or have children of our own. I know this isn't everyone, but I'm sure I'm not the only one. I wish I could say that I have always been aware of the depth of their love for me, but the sad truth is that it wasn't until that moment when my Daddy KNEW when all I was able to say were three words that the full impact of his love for me hit me.

So on this Father's Day, when I say that I LOVE and appreciate my Daddy and that he is THE GREATEST Daddy in the world, I say it from the deepest part of my heart and soul with every fiber of my being......because my Daddy loved me first.

I love you, Daddy. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

I AM Defined by.....

Every so often, I hear about or read a story of someone who has overcome insurmountable obstacles to achieve his/her dream in life. Quite often, these folks say, very explicitly, that they do not want to be defined by the difficulties in their lives or the obstacles they have had to overcome. This one has cancer but doesn’t want her cancer to define who she is. That one has a skin disease and loudly proclaims that her skin disease does not define her.

I get where these folks are coming from. I really do. No one thing ever defines anyone. We are all defined by so much more than one event, or one physical aspect, or one outburst, or one moment, and so on and so forth. These things become very much a part of who we are, though, and to many people around us, make us THAT person.

For example, many of you have watched the wonderful video with Candace Payne putting on the Chewbacca mask and expressing her sheer joy. As we continue to hear about Candace, more often than not, she is referred to as the “Chewbacca Mom.” While it is her video that has made her famous, I am sure that Ms. Payne will agree with the fact that she is so much more than the “Chewbacca Mom.” I see from her website that she is a musician—the worship leader at her church. She is a teacher. Mom. Wife. And the list goes on.

I have often found myself agreeing with the statements of how

such-and-such does not and will not define me. But as I have lain here, desperately trying to fall asleep, I have been praying. And the Holy Spirit has revealed to me that I AM defined by the such-and-suches in my life. I am who I am—who I am becoming—because of everything I have been through, everything I love, everything I don’t like, those I associate with, and so on.

Without the specifics of my life, I would not be the Polly Anna I am. I AM defined by my child losses. I AM defined by the health issues I have struggled with. I am defined by these things and so much more…..

I am Polly Anna [Kinsey] Watson…..

            Mommy to James Isaac (stillborn March 17, 1999)

            Mommy to Panya Ruth (miscarried November 10, 1999)

            Mommy to Samuel Josiah (born May 1, 2001)

            Mommy to Anna Rose (miscarried November 22, 2005)

            Wife of James Allen

            Sister of Katie Kinsey Walston

            Sister of Kenneth E. Kinsey, Jr.

            Daughter of Ken and Posy Kinsey

            Aunt

            Niece

            Cousin

            Sister-in-law

            Teacher

            Writer

            Reader

            Hugger

            Lover

            Pink

            Purple

            Lover of pandas

            Lover of movies

            Sorrow

            Joy

            Joy-full

            Short

            Lover of pandas

            Overweight

            Sunday School teacher

            Extrovert

            Introvert

            Christian

            Pastor’s Wife

            Peachy

            Enthusiastic

            Friend

            Simple

            Complex

            One who is loud

            One who laughs

            One who cries

            One who has been at death’s door

            One who has watched angels battle demons of death for my very life

And so much more…….

Everything I do, everything I have done, everything I have experienced/been through in my life, all my loves, all my likes, everyone I come into contact with…..they all work together to make me ME. No one thing defines Polly Anna. They ALL define Polly Anna. As much as I believe that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that what you see is what you get, there are many people in my life who have no idea some of the things I have been through or many of the things I have felt or experienced over the years. It’s not that I keep these things secret; it’s simply that there isn’t anything for you to SEE when you look at me that shows all the things that define me.

I know that many people see a woman who [almost] always has a smile on her face and who always responds to “How are you?” with a loud, joyful, “Peachy!” Many people who look at me see a woman who has become quite large. (OK. I’m fat.) Many people see someone who is often overly enthusiastic.

But not everyone sees or knows that I battle depression—that I’ve battled it most of my adult life. I’ve only been on medication for it in recent years, though.

Not everyone sees that in spite of my attempts to CHOOSE JOY on a daily basis, I still grieve the loss of 3 babies. I always will. Pieces of my heart were buried with each baby.

Not everyone sees or knows that quite often when I get silly, I am fighting a sadness that is attempting to wash over me like a comfortable blanket.

You may be my friend on Facebook and read my daily Joy posts (The PollyAnna JOY Plan), but you may not know that I do them in a desperate attempt to find the positives in my life rather than focusing on and feeling the sadness and pain.

So no, I am not defined by JUST my child losses or JUST my health issues or JUST the fact that I am a teacher…. ALL work together to make me ME. I am not perfect. But in my imperfections, I am the perfect Polly Anna I can possibly be. Love me or hate me, I am so much more than……and so are you.

It's difficult to determine what will break me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAEq7_NTltk

Last night, I was minding my own business, doing some work on my computer with the tv on a random channel. I was probably watching an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. or something on the ID channel. Typically I keep the tv on for the background noise. While I don't pay careful attention to what's going on, I am vaguely aware of the noise in the background. Every so often, something happens or is said on screen that captures my attention and I look up from what I'm doing.

A commercial was playing for the "morning after" pill (see the link at the top). They didn't call it that in the commercial; they call it "Plan B," just in case.

Folks, for those of us who have suffered child loss and/or are dealing with infertility, this commercial just tears open an already unhealed and bleeding wound. I'm not talking about right or wrong, morality or immorality as I share my heart tonight. I'm talking about the desperation we feel in our inability to have the baby (babies) we so desperately want while there are women in the world who are doing everything in their power to keep from having one.

I am not trying to judge. It is difficult with such a sensitive subject not to come across as judging, but please, hear my heart.

I get that some women do not have a desire to have children. I don't think women should be having babies just because it's expected of them. I know a number of women (couples) who have made a very conscious decision NOT to have any children and they are doing everything possible to prevent that from happening. That is a choice that they have every right to make.

It is just as frustrating watching some women have one baby after another while saying how much she hates kids--other kids, but not her own.

Every time I see a woman who is pregnant or read a pregnancy announcement online, my heart falls down into my toes and I feel the depression descend as a comfortable, yet unwanted, blanket. I rejoice in the joy of others--of course I do, but the fact, the simple truth is that I want one, too. Yes, I have my son. He is truly the sunshine of my life.

But I want his 3 siblings, too.

We make a big deal out of women who don't want kids.

We make a big deal when a woman doesn't have any kids.

Almost as soon as a couple gets together, they hear, "So when are you two going to have a baby?"

Women who struggle with infertility have to hear this question--and it breaks their hearts, each and every time.

Women who have made a conscious choice not to have any children have to hear this question--and it breaks their hearts, each and every time.

Why is whether or not a woman has a baby anyone's business but that of the couple deciding to have a baby, or not?

Why is the general public so incredibly insensitive regarding the feelings of women?

I have been pregnant a total of 4 times but have only one living child. My body still has times when it reacts as if a pregnancy is imminent, in spite of the fact that pregnancy is an impossibility for me now. Like a phantom limb, sometimes I feel movement in my belly--as if a baby is growing there.

Many of us who have dealt with (are dealing with) child loss or infertility also struggle with depression, anxiety, and/or other emotional, physical, mental, and even spiritual issues. What seems insignificant to others or no big deal has HUGE significance for us and is a VERY big deal.

What you feel is harmless teasing actually sends many of us to our beds, curled up in our blankets, hiding from the world, unable to eat, bathe, or function in normal society. Your words or such commercials, I am sure, are NOT intended to hurt, but the honest-to-goodness truth is that WORDS (and such commercials) HURT--a lot--deep into our very souls.

We know, with our heads, that such words are not meant to hurt, but, like M'Lynn in Steel Magnolias, we wish someone would explain it to our hearts. We desperately attempt to cling to sanity, but we honestly never know what is going to rip open our wound or what is going to just give it a little tug. If we could control that, we

so would.

I say all this simply to say this: we never know what someone is going through, so be nice to each other. This isn't just a saying or a cliche; it's truth. 

What is it that kills your soul....?

Both Joy-Full and Sad

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”   ― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Those who know me at all, know that one my recent favorite books is The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. I fell in love with this book while on a school trip a few years ago as my students had the movie version playing on the bus. I tried to avoid watching it since I hadn't read the book yet, but that proved impossible. The story sucked me in and I was reading the book on my Nook by the time the movie ended and I finished reading the book in about two days.

The above quote comes very early in the book and it is one of the themes of the book that stands out the most to me because I feel exactly that way. In recent years, I have been both Joy-full and sad. Yes, at the same time. I find myself laughing from deep within my soul while sobbing my heart out. Or vice versa. 

It has been a very confusing and difficult time.

No matter how hard I try, no matter how many passages I read in the Bible (including the Psalms), no matter how much I worship, no matter how soul-deep my laughter, no matter how big my smile, I am still sad. Sadness has become an ever-present companion. 

But even in my sadness, I find myself enjoying reading my Bible, I love worshipping my Lord and Savior, I laugh from the very depths of my being, and I smile with every part of my being. Being Joy-full has become second nature for me. I believe that God has anointed me with His oil of Joy more than He has anyone else (Psalm 45:7 & Hebrews 1:9, NLT).

When I first saw the movie Inside Out, I wept with Joy because it seems to reveal that what I feel is completely normal. In order to know True Joy, we must also know True Sadness. One cannot BE without the other. It is in our deepest sadness that we are able to experience true, uninhibited Joy. Those who have experienced the deepest of sorrows KNOW what True Sadness is, so when we are able to find and experience True Joy in life, we KNOW what that means.

I am not doing a very good job of explaining what I am trying to say, I know. Let me try saying this another way.

The past few weeks have been filled with an incredible amount of Great Joy. I had a positive employee evaluation. Seven beloved ladies and I went to the Women of Joy Conference in Pigeon Forge, TN. Not only did the eight of us have a wonderful time together, but we had a wonderful time at each of the sessions. And best of all, I got to meet Chonda Pierce AND Margaret Feinberg!!! And have my picture taken with BOTH!!! And each autographed her book for me!!!! Talk about the HEIGHT OF JOY!!!!!

Then the weekend after that, my uncle got married, we had a family reunion (maternal), and my son turned 15! We have a WONDERFUL time. We laughed! We talked, shouted, really. (We're a loud group, it's true.) We sang. We ate. And we laughed a whole lot more. My husband and son even seemed to enjoy themselves--as much as is possible with a whole bunch of people they'd never even met, that is! It was truly a weekend full of Joy-full family time.

Then it was the end of the semester and graduation, which was a lot of fun--even though I wasn't allowed to woo-hoo. I did hug as many students as I was able as they finished getting their pictures taken! And I finished my grades and other paperwork on time!!

And Mother's Day was so sweet. My boys bought me a wonderful gift--exactly what I wanted, needed, and asked for.

But then, the other day, as I was sitting at my desk working on nothing in particular, but yet something important, I felt this wave of sadness descend on me. Imagine an ocean descending from above, slowly, and engulfing you completely. You can breathe, but at the same time, you're struggling for air. There is no up. There is no down. There is only the sadness completely surrounding you, washing over you and keeping you under water.

And no matter how much you laugh, no matter how much you smile, no matter how much you read your Bible or worship, you remain in the depths of this ocean of sadness, unable to find, let alone break, the surface.

But my God is a big God. He is bigger than this sadness that has engulfed me. I will NOT let it keep me down. I will continue to read my Bible. I will continue to worship and praise my Lord. I will keep laughing. I will keep smiling. I will keep loving.

I will allow the Lord to anoint me with His oil of Joy.....I will NOT be defeated by the Sadness.

Works Cited

Shen, Jean. "Series 1: Healing of Wounds of the Bride and Growing Intimacy with the Lord." Invitation to His Garden. Prophetic Art. Web. 6 Sept. 2014. <http://www.jbrushwork.com/html/paintings.html>.