I have a confession to make

I truly do have a confession to make. It's not a secret. But it's a difficult confession to make. In spite of the fact that I have been seeking JOY--in spite of the fact that I know that God has given me more JOY than others--in spite of the fact that I have found JOY regardless of the difficult times I have been through. . .that does not mean that I do not still struggle to find JOY on a day-to-day basis--to CHOOSE JOY every single day.

I know. I know.

I have been studying JOY now steadily since 2009. That is almost 10 full years of studying one idea, one word, one Biblical concept. You'd think I'd have it ingrained deep in my very soul by now. And I do. At least, for the most part. 

• I have spent almost every single day for two and a half years straight, more than 730 days, posting in Facebook at least one thing that brings me JOY. 
• I have read every book on JOY that I can get my hands on--almost 50 books total.
• I have completed every Bible Study on JOY that I have found (I've included the count in my books).
• I continue to memorize Bible verses on JOY in as many translations as possible--and there are hundreds of JOY verses.
• I write about JOY in this blog.
• I have JOY t-shirts and other JOY paraphernalia--I even just bought a pair of the new Skechers Go Walk Joy Sneakers.

But I am not perfect. I am not Paul of the Biblical Paul. I do not find myself capable of singing for JOY as I am in my current difficult situation. Rather than singing songs of Praise, I find myself sobbing at every turn, screaming in anger at those I love just because they're close enough for me to project my anger onto, not caring who I hurt, not living, and sobbing a whole lot more. Worst of all, I am not CHOOSING JOY.

I have no desire to CHOOSE JOY. The pain goes so deep that JOY is the last thing on my mind. All I can think of is the hurt I feel. I am so sick and tired of the hurt. When a person has been through all that I have, when is enough ENOUGH? 

Huh, Lord? When is enough ENOUGH???? 

I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH.

I do NOT Have enough JOY to handle all that is going on or that has happened.

I want to to be able to pull myself up by my bootstraps, CHOOSE JOY, smile, and show you that it can be done--that you CAN choose JOY regardless of what you have been through. That no matter what, God IS ENOUGH.

In my heart of hearts, I know that is true. And I know that I will eventually come to the place when I will be able to CHOOSE JOY again. But for right now, my heart just hurts and I don't have the energy to do anything more than rest in my Savior's arms. For now, I will let Him comfort me. I will cry on His shoulder. I will wait for His direction. I will let Him carry me because I don't have the strength to go any further on my own right now.

I know my Lord will use this time I am going through to help me grow in my faith and to be better used by Him for His glory, but I sure don't like this refining process right now. All I can do is pray that God is something super amazing for me on the other side because right now? I'm broken and JOY is the last thing on my mind.