A confession of sin

Now, don't get all bent out of shape that I'm doing a 3rd post on confession. This one is completely different from the other 2 about confession. Ironic, though, that confession still fits as the topic. Bear with me, please?

Over the course of this past week, I have had a "spiritual awakening." I won't go into all the "gory" details, but I do feel that it is important for me to share the following confession with you. James 4:17 says, "it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it." What I am sharing with you over the course of the next few minutes is my sin from hearing the voice of God loud and clear and not being obedient.

Since you know that I can't make it that simple, let me start at the beginning.

A little more than a year ago, the Lord gave me a Word, a promise, that I heard loud and clear: Isaiah 43:18-19,
“But forget all that—
    it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.
19 For I am about to do something new.
    See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
    I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."

I don't remember exactly what Bible Study we were doing at the time; it was probably Priscilla Shirer's Armor of God (if I'm going to guess). This Word from the Lord was confirmed for me just a short time later as Hillsong released a new album titled Let There be Light with a new song titled "Behold" based specifically on this verse (a different translation than NLT) along with Pastor Brian Houston preaching a sermon on these verses that is included on the album. 

Women of Joy posted an image on their Facebook page with that exact verse during that same time period! 

Around that time, a co-worker left where I worked and it made me think about who would be the next person to leave. As much as I loved my job teaching, I heard this voice in my head whisper, "It's going to be you, Polly." 

Yeah, Lord, we agreed that I'd leave within the next 5 years. Right. 

"No, sooner." 

Ha. Ha. Ok. 

"I mean it. 'Behold, I am about to do a new thing.'" 

Well, Lord, You'd better tell James, then! Because he'll kill me if I leave this job and all the benefits. I'm scared out of my mind even to mention it to him.

Over the course of the next months, things went downhill for me at work. I made mistakes and got in trouble for things that had not ever been a problem in the seventeen-and-a-half years I had been there. In October of last year, things came to a head and I had my first official write-up.

I was so devasted and things went from bad to worse so quickly that I entered mandatory counseling and was soon diagnosed as Bipolar with PTSD and Adjustment Disorder. (I had been diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety years prior.) During this time, I saw a total of three separate therapists: 1 counselor (school-sponsored EAP), 1 psychologist who prescribed my new meds, and 1 psychologist to talk to. 

You'd think that with all the help I was getting and the medication I was on that things would have been getting better at work, but they only continued getting worse as each day went by. I was beginning to hate the job I loved. I didn't tell too many people, but of the people I did tell, they all recommended that I hold on. Even my psychologists told me that emotionally I couldn't handle leaving my job.

I decided that everyone was right.

The problem was that during all this time, I had also been praying. And I had heard the voice of God loud and long and clear. You know how God spoke to Elijah in a still small voice? Ummm, yeah. This wasn't a still small voice. I had been praying in my car on my way to work, "Lord, should I quit my j....?"

"YES!!!!!!!"

Seriously. I can't express to you on the written screen enough how loud and vocal I heard the voice of God speak to me in that car that morning. It literally scared me. It is truly a miracle that I did not run off the road or have an accident.

I knew that I should have walked into my office as soon as I had a few minutes and write my letter of resignation and say that this would be my last semester.

I heard Him.

But I loved my job. I had been living my dream. Do you realize that I had wanted to teach since I was three years old? I never went to preschool, so I didn't even know what school was yet. For 17-1/2 years, I had been living my dream. How does one walk away from THAT????

I loved my kids. I still do. I always will. And they will ALWAYS be MY kids. I love you guys!!!!

Mom and Dad had taught me not to ever quit until I had another job lined up. I certainly didn't have that. I hadn't even considered what I'd do. All I knew was that I wanted to write. Eeek! 

James (my husband) was going to kill me! I would be walking away from stability: insurance, steady income, paid sick days, and all the other wonderful things my job with CVCC provided. 

And let's not forget the pride we all had in the fact that I was an English Instructor at a community college who had recently acquired the title "Senior Professor." And who had just last year been nominated Teacher of the Year. Even Samuel, my son, has always taken a certain amount of pride in the fact that his mom taught at the local community college--where he would eventually attend as a student.

So instead of listening to the voice of God, I questioned whether or not what I had heard was real. I mean, have you ever heard God's voice that vocal before and that quickly?? I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it scared me. A lot. And it shames me that I was too scared to share it with anyone. 

I had not forgotten His promise from a year ago Isaiah 43:18-19--the "new thing" He was going to do in my life. I had not forgotten that He had told me I would be leaving my school within the year. 

But. . .

Oh, my dear Precious Lord Jesus, forgive me.

I confess my sin. My heart hurts. As much pain as I have been in over the course of the past month--I could have saved myself so much of it if I had been obedient when I first heard the voice of the Lord. My sorrow has been great, my friends. It pains me to know that even after all these years, I still fail.

But so did Peter. And David. And Adam. And so many other Bible greats. The Bible tells us that we ALL have sinned and have fallen short of the glory of God. But as 1 John 1:9 tells us, "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness." 

Thank You, Jesus. So, my friends. I am confessing my sins to Him and to you. I need complete forgiveness and complete cleansing in order to move forward in the "new thing" He has for me. I covet your prayers and words of encouragement.

Thank You, Lord, for Your forgiveness, mercy, and grace.

One more confession to make

I have one more confession to make. . . .

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be vulnerable?

Ok. Ok. For those of you who know me, the real me, it is not difficult at all. I don't mind sharing--anything. But that's with people I know and love. It is difficult to share the real me with people I don't know well--and who will judge me. I am deathly afraid of sharing the real part of me that will be judged by others.

But the real truth is that I don't care what anyone thinks about me.

I love me. I love myself. I love who Polly Anna is. I know who I am in Jesus. I am proud of the woman Jesus has made me. I like

me. I like the loud Polly. I don't mind it at all. I love my laugh. I love my JOY. I love the fact that I embrace life. I love that I love with everything I am. I love how I love. I love that I have always known what I want and I go after it. I love my personality. I love FEELING--even the bad. I don't mind my tears even though my tears can be sobs that shake my body to the core. They don't scare me. Even my anger doesn't scare me. It can be intense, but I feel it deep in my soul, just as I do everything else. I feel love deep in my soul. I always thought everyone else did, too. I like ME. I Love ME. I Love Polly Anna. 

Sure I have days of low self-esteem. Who doesn't? Especially when someone says mean things or tells me I'm too loud or complains about something else. But when I stop and I take inventory and evaluate myself--who I am, I love ME. And I don't care whether you do or not. So go ahead and judge. 

If you are uncomfortable with the fact that I shared my vulnerability in my previous blog post--that I'm not doing ok right now, I'm not sorry. That's your problem. That is something you need to deal with. I hope you find a way to take your own mask off and love yourself enough to be vulnerable with others. I, for one, am done pretending to be someone I'm not.

I'm tired of being judged, bullied, and treated as a social pariah. I'm tired

of others making me feel as if being "different" is a bad thing. My mom always told me that it's ok to be different. And you know what? My Momma is right. It's those who are different who make a difference in the world. I don't like fitting in. Why in the world would I want to fit in when I was born to stand out? It's the oddballs who get noticed. It's the strange folks who end up being remembered. I don't want to be a lemming. I don't want to be a member of the lottery. I want to be a voice who says, "No!" The only way to make that happen is to be different. I'm very ok with that.

If my loudness or hugginess or other eccentricities bother you, I will not apologize for any part of who I am. I don't do any of it to make you uncomfortable or out of meanness or to disrupt your life in any way, shape, form, or fashion. I want to respect you. If who I am makes you uncomfortable, then, just like we do with Facebook, keep scrolling--just keep walking. But don't be mean.

Because I LOVE myself. And you should LOVE yourself, too, because you're pretty great, too, because both of us are just the way we are meant to be. I lika you and you lika me and we lika both the same. I am not scared of my vulnerability. All I can do is hope and pray that you can at least respect that.