A confession of sin

Now, don't get all bent out of shape that I'm doing a 3rd post on confession. This one is completely different from the other 2 about confession. Ironic, though, that confession still fits as the topic. Bear with me, please?

Over the course of this past week, I have had a "spiritual awakening." I won't go into all the "gory" details, but I do feel that it is important for me to share the following confession with you. James 4:17 says, "it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it." What I am sharing with you over the course of the next few minutes is my sin from hearing the voice of God loud and clear and not being obedient.

Since you know that I can't make it that simple, let me start at the beginning.

A little more than a year ago, the Lord gave me a Word, a promise, that I heard loud and clear: Isaiah 43:18-19,
“But forget all that—
    it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.
19 For I am about to do something new.
    See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
    I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."

I don't remember exactly what Bible Study we were doing at the time; it was probably Priscilla Shirer's Armor of God (if I'm going to guess). This Word from the Lord was confirmed for me just a short time later as Hillsong released a new album titled Let There be Light with a new song titled "Behold" based specifically on this verse (a different translation than NLT) along with Pastor Brian Houston preaching a sermon on these verses that is included on the album. 

Women of Joy posted an image on their Facebook page with that exact verse during that same time period! 

Around that time, a co-worker left where I worked and it made me think about who would be the next person to leave. As much as I loved my job teaching, I heard this voice in my head whisper, "It's going to be you, Polly." 

Yeah, Lord, we agreed that I'd leave within the next 5 years. Right. 

"No, sooner." 

Ha. Ha. Ok. 

"I mean it. 'Behold, I am about to do a new thing.'" 

Well, Lord, You'd better tell James, then! Because he'll kill me if I leave this job and all the benefits. I'm scared out of my mind even to mention it to him.

Over the course of the next months, things went downhill for me at work. I made mistakes and got in trouble for things that had not ever been a problem in the seventeen-and-a-half years I had been there. In October of last year, things came to a head and I had my first official write-up.

I was so devasted and things went from bad to worse so quickly that I entered mandatory counseling and was soon diagnosed as Bipolar with PTSD and Adjustment Disorder. (I had been diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety years prior.) During this time, I saw a total of three separate therapists: 1 counselor (school-sponsored EAP), 1 psychologist who prescribed my new meds, and 1 psychologist to talk to. 

You'd think that with all the help I was getting and the medication I was on that things would have been getting better at work, but they only continued getting worse as each day went by. I was beginning to hate the job I loved. I didn't tell too many people, but of the people I did tell, they all recommended that I hold on. Even my psychologists told me that emotionally I couldn't handle leaving my job.

I decided that everyone was right.

The problem was that during all this time, I had also been praying. And I had heard the voice of God loud and long and clear. You know how God spoke to Elijah in a still small voice? Ummm, yeah. This wasn't a still small voice. I had been praying in my car on my way to work, "Lord, should I quit my j....?"

"YES!!!!!!!"

Seriously. I can't express to you on the written screen enough how loud and vocal I heard the voice of God speak to me in that car that morning. It literally scared me. It is truly a miracle that I did not run off the road or have an accident.

I knew that I should have walked into my office as soon as I had a few minutes and write my letter of resignation and say that this would be my last semester.

I heard Him.

But I loved my job. I had been living my dream. Do you realize that I had wanted to teach since I was three years old? I never went to preschool, so I didn't even know what school was yet. For 17-1/2 years, I had been living my dream. How does one walk away from THAT????

I loved my kids. I still do. I always will. And they will ALWAYS be MY kids. I love you guys!!!!

Mom and Dad had taught me not to ever quit until I had another job lined up. I certainly didn't have that. I hadn't even considered what I'd do. All I knew was that I wanted to write. Eeek! 

James (my husband) was going to kill me! I would be walking away from stability: insurance, steady income, paid sick days, and all the other wonderful things my job with CVCC provided. 

And let's not forget the pride we all had in the fact that I was an English Instructor at a community college who had recently acquired the title "Senior Professor." And who had just last year been nominated Teacher of the Year. Even Samuel, my son, has always taken a certain amount of pride in the fact that his mom taught at the local community college--where he would eventually attend as a student.

So instead of listening to the voice of God, I questioned whether or not what I had heard was real. I mean, have you ever heard God's voice that vocal before and that quickly?? I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it scared me. A lot. And it shames me that I was too scared to share it with anyone. 

I had not forgotten His promise from a year ago Isaiah 43:18-19--the "new thing" He was going to do in my life. I had not forgotten that He had told me I would be leaving my school within the year. 

But. . .

Oh, my dear Precious Lord Jesus, forgive me.

I confess my sin. My heart hurts. As much pain as I have been in over the course of the past month--I could have saved myself so much of it if I had been obedient when I first heard the voice of the Lord. My sorrow has been great, my friends. It pains me to know that even after all these years, I still fail.

But so did Peter. And David. And Adam. And so many other Bible greats. The Bible tells us that we ALL have sinned and have fallen short of the glory of God. But as 1 John 1:9 tells us, "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness." 

Thank You, Jesus. So, my friends. I am confessing my sins to Him and to you. I need complete forgiveness and complete cleansing in order to move forward in the "new thing" He has for me. I covet your prayers and words of encouragement.

Thank You, Lord, for Your forgiveness, mercy, and grace.