But fall is difficult for me because all my struggles, all my sorrows have happened in the fall of the year. In November, actually. Well, not ALL, but a large number of them, enough to make this time of year super difficult:
- I learned that I had a cyst growing on my left ovary and ultimately had to have surgery during my 20th week of pregnancy with J. Isaac (who was born still just 18 weeks later) to remove my left ovary and fallopian tube just before Christmas
- I miscarried Panya Ruth on November 10, 1999
- I miscarried Anna Rose on November 22, 2005
- I had my diverticulitis surgery in late November of 2009--where I had to have an ostomy [bag]
- I had my uterine ablation in November of 2010
- I threatened my husband in October 2012
And a few other things I won't mention here.
One thing that helps people like me get through times like this is the fact that October is Pregnancy
Loss and Infancy Loss Awareness Month. It is difficult for me to talk about my losses for a lot of reasons, but one of the biggest is because talking about losing a child makes people uncomfortable. They simply don't know what to say to someone who has lost a child. And quite often if they do say something, they say something hurtful. And friendships are broken. So people end up just not talking about child loss at all. And the grieving mother--or father--suffers alone. In silence. For years.
It is this silence that tends to drive some women (and men) to action. Some do something about their losses by creating organizations to help others who have lost babies. When we first lost our James Isaac and then Panya Ruth back in 1999, we didn't have the internet like we do now. It was just coming into being and getting on the internet was slow and laborious. And staying on the internet was next to impossible. Plus, there just weren't many organizations for people who had lost a baby. So we definitely suffered in silence. There was no Facebook group to join to discuss our hurts and we couldn't find a local support group. And back then, I had never heard of October being Pregnancy Infant Loss Awareness Month.
It has been exciting to see the organizations available now. There's one that will show up to take pictures for you. I had a friend come to the hospital specifically to take pictures for me when we lost our sweet James Isaac, but she didn't know if that was ok, so she never asked. It's a regret for each of us. There is an organization that sends a sweet care package to the hospital for moms who have lost a baby. There are online chat groups and support groups. There are groups who walk to raise awareness. There are groups who hold candlelight vigils. I've found places that sell t-shirts now and other wonderful remembrance paraphernalia. Someone has even started making dolls that are the same weight as your baby if that's something you'd be interested in. And the list goes on.
There are even more books now about child loss than ever before--good ones. When we first lost James Isaac, the pickings for good child loss books were really slim. There are a few good Bible studies, even. More and more women are sharing their stories. And even a few men, which is needed just as much. I'm working on telling my story, too. In doing so, I can tell you that it is not easy to share, but it does help in the healing process, in the healing journey.
We all grieve differently. We all travel the grief journey differently and take as long as we each need. October is a time set aside specifically to slow down or stop if we wish and Remember. Many of us have had some people act as if our babies weren't real or alive just because they didn't live outside our bodies, but we know the truth: they Lived. They deserve to be honored, to be remembered in whatever special way you desire, whether it be every single day of the month or just one day out of the month. October 15 is set aside as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day if you prefer just one day. It's your choice. No judgment.
- Tell your story if you want. You're welcome to share it here. I'd love to hear it. If not to me, share it with someone you trust. Write it down for yourself if not for anyone else.
- Look at your Memory Box that you got from the hospital.
- This is Shoebox season for Samaritan's Purse; donate a box in memory of your baby.
- Join a GriefShare group if you need to.
- Find a group online and just "listen" to their conversations to see if they have similar stories.
- Find a pen pal (I have 2).
- Start your own organization.
- Plant a tree in memory.
- Make a scrapbook--if you don't have pictures, use poems, images and/or quotes that are meaningful to you.
- Write a letter to your Precious.
- Get a tattoo. If that's not your style, you could always get a temporary one. :)
- Make a list of all the hurtful things people have said to you. Journal why their words hurt so much. Get your hurt off your heart and out of your system, on paper--or on the computer.
- Write a letter/note of forgiveness to someone who said or did something to hurt you, whether you mean it or not. You don't have to send it right now if you'd rather not. Just write it. Or go ahead and send it. You never know....
- If you know or hear of someone who suffers the loss of a child, do something for that couple that you wish had been done for you.
- Cry. Allow yourself a good cry. It really and truly is ok to FEEL whatever you feel.
- Have a celebration in honor of your Precious. Whatever that celebration looks like for you is what you should have.
- Create a Playlist.
- Get alone and spend some special time just Remembering.
- Laugh. Sometimes a good laugh is just the right thing.
Remember.
#NeverForget
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