God has restored my...[Giggle]

"Tara Strick

April 14 at 10:55pm ·

For those who know me since forever, I giggle it's like a known part of who I am. 15 years ago I lost that. I lost my ray of sunshine. And I didn't even notice it.
Thank god I found it again it's only been back 4 years and I am so grateful to have the ability to find joy in every situation given to me- I do search in odd ways only I get- but still I can giggle. Again. Finally. What ever you are going through don't lose who you are, not your joy, it's so hard to recover it. And thanks again for answered prayers I don't have to fight anymore. I can giggle."

For 15+ years, like me, my friend Tara has struggled with life:  depression, anxiety, sadness, inability just to enjoy life and especially friends.  Socializing, for me, has been next to impossible.  It's very difficult being around people and pretending to feel fine when in reality, I'm screaming and wanting to do nothing more than curl into a ball and die.  Pretending to be fine is a LOT of work.  It's very exhausting.

But Tara said that in recent months, maybe for a few years, she's been able to giggle again--for real--from deep inside her soul--without pretending.  A real, true, honest-to-goodness, heartfelt Giggle that says to me, "Life is good.  God is good.  I am good.  I am even happy--experiencing the true Joy of the Lord."

Tara said exactly what I have been feeling lately.  While her testament to Life/Joy/Laughter returning has been finding her Giggle again, mine has been finding not only a desire to be social again (to go to parties, friends' homes, social events, etc.), but to truly ENJOY being SOCIAL again.

Pretending was just too difficult--to hard--too exhausting--too painful.  But God's healing power is evident because I want to do things again.  I actually have FUN again in BEING in social situations.  No more anxiety!  No more shyness!  No more pretending!  Wow.  It's ONLY through God that this is possible, my friends.  The pain runs deep.  The anxiety has been--was--real.  Debilitating.  The despair made me consider ending it all.  Yes, suicide was a very real possibility.  My marriage was all but destroyed.

God's miraculous power is evident in Tara being able to Giggle again.

God's miraculous power is evident in my being able to be around people again.

God's miraculous healing power is evident in both Tara and I because we are finally able to LIVE in and through Christ again!!!

Praise the Lord!!!!  Hallelujah!!!!  Thank You, Lord!!!!

I'd much rather be LIVING in Christ than wallowing in the despair and misery of the past 16+ years.  The pit of despair is a debilitating place to be.  Living life through and in Christ is FREEING!!!

"My chains are GONE!  I'VE BEEN SET FREE!!!"

Wow.  That song has new meaning for me...

Thank You, Lord, for setting me free--for freeing Tara.  May we never be locked in those terrible destructive chains again.  May we continue to grow--to live--to find Joy in You.  Continue, Lord, please, to pour out Your anointing oil of Joy on me more than on anyone else.  Thank You, Lord.  Thank You.

"Amazing Grace/My Chains Are Gone" Chris Tomlin

He is my Bridge-Builder!

In Sunday School, we are doing Ann Voskamp's Bible Study One Thousand Gifts based on her book by the same name.  I highly recommend it.  In Lesson 4, she brings up how God is our bridge-builder and we demonstrate our trust in Him as we place our planks and walk across the bridge.  It's a beautiful image that I, surprisingly, have never understood before.  I have hard the song that goes "Like a bridge over troubled waters, I will lay me down" and loved the song.  I have heard about bridges over the years in religious terms, but until doing this particular lesson, I have never understood the symbolism of the bridge so clearly.

In the study, the question is asked:  "What is the connection between trust and joy?  How can trust in God become a bridge to lasting and growing joy in our lives?"  As we were talking about this connection between trust and joy, I had this image of someone getting to the other side of a broken bridge and jumping for joy because she made it.  So as we take each tenuous step across the bridge He has built, we are "laying our planks of trust" (as Ann refers to it) that He will get us to the other side.  So once we are on the other side, we have experienced His strength and power and we feel true Joy in Him for getting us to the other side!!!!

So even taking a step is an act of faith, trusting in Him to have built the bridge to carry us brings us great joy!

Isn't that an awesome thought?!

It also reminded me of the scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade when Indiana has to take the step of faith out onto the bridge he can't see--until he actually takes the first step.  Even when we can't see the bridge--the planks of the bridge, God has laid them and He is there, ready for us to take the first step of faith--and trust in Him.

So the question I have for you is this:  Are you trusting in the bridge-builder and taking even the first step to get to the other side--the other side where His pure JOY awaits?  I'm sure looking up more to Him rather than down in fear and wondering if the next plank will be there.....!

*Not my post*

I have NOT asked for permission to share this on my own personal blog, but I am hoping that the fact that I am giving Paula Stephens complete credit for having written the attached article will suffice.  If not, I promise I will take it down.

"What I wish more People Understood about Losing a Child" by Paula Stephens, March 23, 2015

Everyone is Different

A few short weeks ago, my husband and I attended a FamilyLife Today "Weekend to Remember" event.  It is well worth attending; I highly recommend going whether you are early in your marriage or later--or just starting out.  

One thing that has stuck with me from that weekend (along with many other wonderful "things") is the way the two female speakers both shared their stories.  It is difficult to explain, but let me see if I can make myself clear.

As you know if you are a regular reader of my blog (or if you

go back and read older posts for this blog), I have struggled for 16 years--and continue to struggle--with the child losses I have suffered:  James Isaac--stillbirth, March 17, 1999; Panya Ruth--miscarriage, November 10, 1999; and Anna Rose--miscarriage, November 22, 2005.  I have battled depression, anxiety/panic attacks, anger so severe I really should call it rage, marriage problems, and the list goes on.  I am seeking to find Joy Regardless of the pain I continue to struggle with.....some days are more difficult than others with birthdays and anniversaries being the most difficult.  (Note that James Isaac would have been 16 this upcoming Tuesday, March 17, 2015.)

Throughout the marriage retreat, the two female speakers shared that they, too, had suffered child losses--both of them stillbirths, but both had gone on to have several children.  Both talked about their child loss experiences in a very matter-of-fact manner--as if their child losses were nothing worse than having a flat tire or washing something red in with your whites.  

I'm going to be perfectly honest here.  Please don't judge me.  OK?

I honestly felt as if I had been slapped in the face as each woman shared her story in her matter-of-fact manner.  My head literally jerked back as if I had been slapped during each woman's story.  I couldn't believe each woman shared her story and then moved on to her next point as if what she had had not completely exploded inside my brain.  

What?!  How can you share such a story and move on as if it was NOTHING to you???  How do I continue to sit here in this room full of people--more than 600 people all together--as if everything is hunkie-dorie?!  When inside I am reliving every moment of each of my three losses as if they are happening to me--again?!  Why isn't everyone in this room crying--as I am?  Why doesn't my husband turn to look to at me?  To offer me some comfort because any time the subject of child loss is brought up, it brings it all back to me as I watch each experience flash before my eyes?!  What is he thinking?  How is he feeling?  I don't even care.  I'm starting to feel too hot.  I can't breathe.  Please, Lord, not a panic/anxiety attack.  Not now.  Not here.  Not in front of all these people?!

These thoughts flickered through my mind as quickly as a lightning flash.  When I came back to the present during the presentation, I realized that the female speaker was sharing a story....a difficult story for her to tell....about her son and how he took a completely different direction as an adult than what she or her husband had dreamed for their children (he was living with a woman who'd already had 4 children with another man, had a 5th and was pregnant with her 6th--both of who were his, her son's).  

And guess what?  SHE WAS TEARING UP!  She was struggling to get through her story!!!!

What?!  Seriously?  THIS is what tears your heart out and makes you have a come-to-Jesus time?!  What?!  What about your child loss?!  THAT is worse than your son living with a woman "in sin"!!!!  Isn't it?!  Shouldn't it be?!

But she was sharing her heart and this experience had torn her to pieces.  She was clearly struggling emotionally and spiritually with her disappointment in her son's sin.  (Please understand that I am speaking from a Christian perspective and this is what living with someone and having babies out of wedlock is called in the Christian world.)  I could FEEL her pain across the room.  The tears began to stream down my cheeks as she continued to share the importance of keeping our focus on God and to remember that HE is working EVERYTHING together for our good.  I even had to get some tissues to wipe the tears streaming down my cheeks.

And it hit me:  the enemy knows what it is for each and every single person that will "take down" each one of us PERSONALLY.  What tears my heart out and makes my soul ache to the very depths of my being is NOT the SAME THING that tears out the heart of the person sitting next to me...or the person sitting next to that person....or the person sitting next to that person....or the person behind me....or the person behind that person......and on and on it goes.

Wow.  Is THAT why others have a difficult time "getting" why my struggle is REAL for me?  Is that why I don't "get" why others seem to be struggling with [fill in the blank]?  

I can't stop thinking about this brief moment in a whole weekend of powerful moments.  The Bible says in Matthew 7:1, “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged" and in Luke 6:37, “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged."  We have no earthly idea what the person next to us is going through or what it is that the enemy is using to attack him/her.  

The plain and simple truth is that what each person struggles with is as individual as is each individual person.

Powerful Poem

I said, "God, I hurt." And God said, I know." 
I said, "God, I cry a lot." And God said, "That is why I gave you tears." 
I said, "God, I am so depressed." And God said, "That is why I gave you Sunshine." 
I said, "God, life is so hard." And God said, "That is why I gave you loved ones." 
I said, "God, my loved one died." And God said, "So did mine." 
I said, "God, it is such a loss." And God said, I saw mine nailed to a cross." 
I said, "God, but your loved one lives." And God said, "So does yours." 
I said, "God, where are they now?" And God said, "Mine is on My right and yours is in the Light." 
I said, "God, it hurts." And God said, I know."

~Brandon Tran

While I was still in the hospital after the loss of our Precious James Isaac, someone sent a copy of this poem to me on a small scrap of paper.  I carried that scrap of a paper around with me everywhere I went for years and pulled it out to read it over and over again.  I finally had to put the scrap of paper in a scrapbook because I was afraid it was going to fall apart and I wouldn't have it anymore.  I still keep a copy of the poem with me whether that be in my Bible, on my phone or tablet, or copied into a notebook I keep in my purse at all times.

It is difficult to describe the powerful emotions this poem has always invoked in me since the very first time I read it.  To say that I have cherished these words is an understatement.  I am not even completely sure who it was who sent it to me.  I think it was a nurse on the neo-natal floor, but as it came inside one of the many cards I received during that time, I can only be sure of when I received it.  But it doesn't matter exactly who sent it to me.  What matters are the words of the poem and the voice of God that has always spoken to me through the words of this poem.

As someone who accepted Christ into her heart at a very young age--I was somewhere between 3 and 4 years old when I prayed the Sinner's Prayer and I have stayed true to that since then, I have always felt a great sadness and appreciation for Christ coming to this earth as a human to live so that He might die a horrific death simply because God loves me.  It's a powerful message that draws us as early Christians in its very simplicity in our longing, our desire, to be loved.

But as a Mom who was not given a choice in "giving up" her son (3 children all told), I began to understand more fully what--exactly--God did for me because He loves me.  If I had my CHOICE, I certainly would never have CHOSEN to "give up" my son (or my other two beloveds).  I wanted each of my children when I was pregnant with them and I still want them here with me now.  

Do you see where this is going?!

But God loved me so very much that He sent His ONLY Son--on purpose (meaning He CHOSE to send His son)--specifically so that His Son would die a horrible death so that I might have eternal life with Him.  God CHOSE to sacrifice His Son.  God Chose to allow His Son to die a horrific death not because He didn't love His own Son, but because He loved ME--and you--so much, He GAVE His Son as THE BLOOD SACRIFICE to atone for my (and your) sins.  

I love my family and friends.  I truly do, but even as much as I love you all, I don't know that I would (could) be able to CHOOSE to give up my son.  If I had my way, my James Isaac would be here with us, enjoying this "ice" day off from school.  The fact that God CHOSE to sacrifice His Son is something that I "get" better now than I ever did before simply because of the fact that I had my son stolen--taken--ripped from me.  I had no CHOICE in the matter and my heart continues to ache and yearn for him even now, 16 years later.

So I guess that this post is about the Love God has for you and that if you have not received Him as your Lord and Savior, I hope that you can see through these words that He LOVES you so much that He purposely sent His Son to die so that you might have life and have it more abundantly.  God is so good.  I never would have made it through these past 16 years if He wasn't with me every step of the way.  

I would be happy to pray with you if you would like:  pandapaw48@gmail.com

God's richest blessings to you....

God Still Rescues

Exodus 13-14 New Living Translation (NLT) 

13 3 So Moses said to the people, “This is a day to remember forever—the day you left Egypt, the place of your slavery. Today the Lord has brought you out by the power of his mighty hand.  5 You must celebrate this event...
8 “On the seventh day you must explain to your children, ‘I am celebrating what the Lord did for me when I left Egypt.’ 9 This annual festival will be a visible sign to you, like a mark branded on your hand or your forehead. Let it remind you always to recite this teaching of the Lord: ‘With a strong hand, the Lord rescued you from Egypt.’[b] 10 So observe the decree of this festival at the appointed time each year.14 “And in the future, your children will ask you, ‘What does all this mean?’ Then you will tell them, ‘With the power of his mighty hand, the Lord brought us out of Egypt, the place of our slavery. 16 This ceremony will be like a mark branded on your hand or your forehead. It is a reminder that the power of the Lord’s mighty hand brought us out of Egypt.”Israel’s Wilderness Detour17 When Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them along the main road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest route to the Promised Land. God said, “If the people are faced with a battle, they might change their minds and return to Egypt.” 18 So God led them in a roundabout way through the wilderness....21 The Lord went ahead of them. He guided them during the day with a pillar of cloud, and he provided light at night with a pillar of fire. This allowed them to travel by day or by night. 22 And the Lord did not remove the pillar of cloud or pillar of fire from its place in front of the people.14 10 As Pharaoh approached, the people of Israel looked up and panicked when they saw the Egyptians overtaking them. They cried out to the Lord...
13 But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch theLord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again.14 The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”Escape through the Red Sea15 Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the people to get moving! 16 Pick up your staff and raise your hand over the sea. Divide the water so the Israelites can walk through the middle of the sea on dry ground. 17 And I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians, and they will charge in after the Israelites. My great glory will be displayed through Pharaoh and his troops, his chariots, and his charioteers. 18 When my glory is displayed through them, all Egypt will see my glory and know that I am the Lord!”19 Then the angel of God, who had been leading the people of Israel, moved to the rear of the camp. The pillar of cloud also moved from the front and stood behind them.
25 He twisted[f] their chariot wheels, making their chariots difficult to drive. “Let’s get out of here—away from these Israelites!” the Egyptians shouted. “The Lord is fighting for them against Egypt!”29 But the people of Israel had walked through the middle of the sea on dry ground, as the water stood up like a wall on both sides.  31 When the people of Israel saw the mighty power that the Lord had unleashed against the Egyptians, they were filled with awe before him. They put their faith in the Lord.... 

New Living Translation (NLT)Holy Bible. New Living Translation copyright© 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

*Yes, there are verses and words missing from the above.  I tried to indicate where I broke off.  I know you know the story and I wanted certain parts to stand out.  Please read the whole story in the Bible when you get a chance.*

I beg your indulgence here as I break down the Word I have received from the Lord in these verses....

Exodus 13-14 New Living Translation (NLT)

13 3 So Moses said to the people, “This is a day to remember forever—the day you left Egypt, the place of your slavery. Today the Lord has brought you out by the power of his mighty hand.  5 You must celebrate this event...8 “On the seventh day you must explain to your children, ‘I am celebrating what the Lord did for me when I left Egypt.’ 9 This annual festival will be a visible sign to you, like a mark branded on your hand or your forehead. Let it remind you always to recite this teaching of the Lord: ‘With a strong hand, the Lord rescued you from Egypt.’[b] 10 So observe the decree of this festival at the appointed time each year.14 “And in the future, your children will ask you, ‘What does all this mean?’ Then you will tell them, ‘With the power of his mighty hand, the Lord brought us out of Egypt, the place of our slavery. 16 This ceremony will be like a mark branded on your hand or your forehead. It is a reminder that the power of the Lord’s mighty hand brought us out of Egypt.”Israel’s Wilderness Detour

We are meant to remember the day we left our own Egypt, the place of our slavery--to celebrate the Lord bringing us out by the power of his mighty hand.  My "Egypt" (my place of slavery) in recent years has been a place of rage and depression.  At its height, I also dealt with severe anxiety.  I was a basket case.  I honestly wondered why I was still walking around in public rather than sitting inside a hospital under careful watch.  As I have mentioned before, things were so bad, I hated everything about my life.  In my desperation, like the Israelites, I cried out to God and He heard my cry.

17 When Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them along the main road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest route to the Promised Land. God said, “If the people are faced with a battle, they might change their minds and return to Egypt.” 18 So God led them in a roundabout way through the wilderness....21 The Lord went ahead of them. He guided them during the day with a pillar of cloud, and he provided light at night with a pillar of fire. This allowed them to travel by day or by night. 22 And the Lord did not remove the pillar of cloud or pillar of fire from its place in front of the people.

Do you see that?  God did not lead the Israelites along the

straightest, shortest, quickest route to The Promised Land.  God led them in a roundabout way through the wilderness!  My journey to my own personal Promised Land has not been the straightest, shortest, or quickest route.  It is frustrating and, quite often, very discouraging.  I want to get to my Promised Land.  I want to be healed completely of my rage, depression, and anxiety.  I hate when I go to those horrible places.  I hate myself when I lose my temper or when I go days on end wanting to curl up into a ball and give up on life.  But when I am at my lowest, all I have to do is look up and see my Lord as He leads me through this horrific journey.  When I am at my lowest, He is still there, guiding and lighting my way.  It truly is a source of great comfort knowing that I am not alone in this long, horrific journey.

10 As Pharaoh approached, the people of Israel looked up and panicked when they saw the Egyptians overtaking them. They cried out to the Lord...

13 But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again.14 The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”Escape through the Red Sea 15 Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the people to get moving! 16 Pick up your staff and raise your hand over the sea. Divide the water so the Israelites can walk through the middle of the sea on dry ground. 17 And I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians, and they will charge in after the Israelites. My great glory will be displayed through Pharaoh and his troops, his chariots, and his charioteers. 18 When my glory is displayed through them, all Egypt will see my glory and know that I am the Lord!”19 Then the angel of God, who had been leading the people of Israel, moved to the rear of the camp. The pillar of cloud also moved from the front and stood behind them.

25 He twisted[f] their chariot wheels, making their chariots difficult to drive. “Let’s get out of here—away from these Israelites!” the Egyptians shouted. “The Lord is fighting for them against Egypt!”29 But the people of Israel had walked through the middle of the sea on dry ground, as the water stood up like a wall on both sides.  31 When the people of Israel saw the mighty power that the Lord had unleashed against the Egyptians, they were filled with awe before him. They put their faith in the Lord.... 

This word for the Israelites, "Don't be afraid.  Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today" is for His people still TODAY.  Yes, this passage of scripture is speaking specifically about the Israelites as they escape slavery in Egypt, but when we read the Word, we are reminded over and over that He is still with us; He is still rescuing us!  Ephesians tells us to put on the armor of God so that we may STAND and see His glory.  Just as God fought the Egyptians for the Israelites, God will fight for us--for you!  For me!  He is fighting for me!  He loves me so much that He is rescuing me from the cave (of rage, depression, and anxiety) that I have been in!  

And the best part?  His great glory will be displayed through His salvation!  Others will see His glory when my rescue is complete--when I reach my own Promised Land!  I don't want or deserve any glory or recognition for coming out of a place of rage, depression, or anxiety.  If it were up to me, like the Israelites, I would want to go back to Egypt (my place of slavery) because it was safe there....I was comfortable there....it was familiar ground.  

This winding, twisting journey the Lord has me on is scary, frustrating, and often discouraging because the Promised Land of complete healing seems so very far away.  But God is going before and behind me.  He is making a way where there seems to be no way.  And when the enemy attempts to attack me again and get me to turn back to that horrible place of darkness, God's command to me is to stand back and watch Him fight for me--watch Him RESCUE me!!!

Hallelujah!  I am so thankful.  I gotta tell ya, friends, that the fact that my job is just to stand and watch is more wonderful than words can describe.  Going on this journey is exhausting.  I am tired.  I barely even have enough energy left to Stand, so I certainly don't have enough energy to fight.  

Thank You, Lord.  Thank You.  Thank You.  Thank You!  My journey isn't over.  I am not out of my cave--I haven't reached the Promised Land God has prepared for me, yet.  But I am on my way and God is going before me and behind me.  He is with me through every single step of this journey.  I do not need to be afraid.  I just need to STAND and watch the might power of the Lord! 

I AM Here

Gayle Forman's new book, I Was Here, came out earlier this week.

 As I am on a Reading/Digital Fast for 7 days and Tuesday was only the third day, I had planned on reading it this weekend when my fast is over.

Yeah.  Right.

Me waiting any longer to read an anxiously awaited book any longer than I have already waited?!  Seriously?!  I did well going one full day before I couldn't stand it anymore!

So regardless of my Reading fast, yes, I started--and finished--I WAS HERE--yesterday (one day after its official release date).

And just as I suspected, the book is amazing.  Read it.  Seriously.

What brings me to this blog today is the overall powerful effect Meg's and Cody's stories have in the fact that each is searching for truth  in, Does Anyone Know I am Here?!  Meg comes to a place where she is no longer able to face life, so she takes her own.  Cody realizes that even though life is hard, life is worth living--it's worth FEELING.

One of my favorite movies is Equilibrium.  It's about a futuristic Utopian society where everyone takes a drug several times a day in order to prevent them from feeling.  Anyone caught feeling, is killed--no trial, no guesswork.  They call it a "sense offense."  Of course there is a faction of those who refuse to take the drug because they determine that FEELING is worth dying for.  And it's in feeling that we know that we are truly ALIVE--that we are HERE.

As Cody searches for meaning in Meg's suicide in I Was Here, she finds that she has lived for so long in the shadow of her best friend, she has no idea what or how to feel without her best friend beside her.  So her journey is one of discovering her own self--her own feelings--that she IS H.E.R.E.  Meg no longer is, but she, Cody, IS.  And THAT is what matters.

It is a powerful epiphany for Cody in the novel, as it is for anyone who has ever traveled that road.  I know that for myself, a large part of why I feel such a desperate need to share my story is to know that I AM H.E.R.E.  And that I matter.  As well as the fact that each child I have lost--James Isaac, Panya Ruth, and Anna Rose--were each HERE.  They lived.  They may never have lived outside my womb, but for me, each one LIVED.

I felt the movements of my precious son as he grew within me.  I watched as his little foot came out of my stomach or his little tushy rolled from one side of my belly to the other.  I felt the pressure of his little body on my own bodily organs, especially my bladder.  

With each pregnancy, I felt the changes in my body:  the sore breasts, the weight gain, the nausea and morning sickness--every single day, a heightened sense of smell and touch, and the list goes on.  For me, whether it was James Isaac's stillbirth or the miscarriages of Panya Ruth and Anna Rose, they LIVED.  They WERE HERE.  They were and ARE as much a part of my as my one living son, Samuel.

My greatest desire is not just to know that I, personally, was here and that I made a difference in someone's life, but even more that others know and remember that each of my children were here and that they made a difference in my life--and hopefully in the lives of others.

I don't feel as if I'm doing a very good job of explaining what I'm trying to say.  I think that those of you who have lost loved ones will understand--at least I hope you do.