Lessons learned on my Journey to Joy Part 2

*If you haven't read Part 1, please take a few moments to peruse that entry before reading this one...

4. I have to CHOOSE Joy. Some time during my Journey to Joy, God gave me the scripture, "You love justice and hate evil. Therefore God, your God, has anointed you, pouring out the oil of joy on you more than on anyone else" (Psalm 45:7 & Hebrews 1:9, NLT). I heard Him very clearly in my spirit tell me that He was going to pour out His oil of Joy on me--more than on anyone else. It was overwhelming and incredibly humbling. In some ways, that felt like a lot of pressure, but I found myself rejoicing in His promise because I was sick and tired of being sad and depressed as well as full of anxiety and rage all the time. I didn't like myself in such a state. 

As I began studying everything I could get my hands on about JOY--specifically on CHOOSING JOY, I quickly learned that in order to know TRUE Joy, we must suffer extreme sorrow. Don't think that I'm trying to say that I'm "glad" I've gone through the horrors I've experienced. If I could have any of my babies here with me to touch, kiss, and snuggle, I would--in a fraction of a heartbeat! I'd very much love NOT to have the still painful scars on my belly. It would be wonderful not to have to have experienced anxiety to the degree that I had to take medication for it.

But I do know the truth of God's word that He will turn my sorrow--my mourning--to JOY (Esther 9:22; Isaiah 61:3; Lamentations 5:15; NLT). The only difference between God's promise in these passages and the one in Psalms and Hebrews is the promise of giving the anointing oil of joy to ME MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE. 

I found myself accepting God's promise and telling Him that I also receive His promise of pouring out His anointing oil of joy on me more than anyone else. It has not made my journey to joy easier or lighter, let me tell you. I have to continually CHOOSE to choose JOY and to remind myself of God's promise. I still have days when it's difficult to choose, but those days are growing further and further apart, Praise the Lord.

5. I cannot allow anyone's words or actions steal my JOY. I call it "pop my balloons." I have spent a lot of time over the years listening to nay-sayers and Negative Nancys and to allow their words and actions to determine my level of joy--or lack thereof, as the case typically was. 

I personally think that the biggest reason why I struggled in this area as much as I did was because I didn't like--or love--myself. I hated myself. I hated who I was. I hated who I wasn't. I hated what I had been through. I hated my husband. I hated life. I was angry with myself and with everyone around me. I was a nay-sayer, a Negative Nancy.

And I hated myself for it.

After reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts, I began keeping

my own Gratitude list--just like Ann's. I started in a little red moleskin journal that I kept in my purse. I came to a place at work where I realized that my co-workers and I were spending an awful lot of time complaining, so I made the decision that for every complaint I made, I had to give them 5 positives. That first day, I had to do 20 positives! It got much easier after that, but once I got started, I found that I enjoyed writing about things that gave me JOY--that I was grateful for. So I continued the list--writing 5 things that I was grateful for--for the next several months. I posted them daily online--Facebook.

I gradually moved to naming just one thing that brings me JOY each and every day. I keep the list on Facebook as well as write each entry in a special journal my mom gave me for Christmas. The more I focus on what brings me JOY--what I'm grateful for, the less the nay-sayers and Negative Nancys affect me--pop my balloons!

Every once in a while, one will come along, armed and ready and pop a balloon or two before I realize he/she is even there, but the more I see what God is doing in my life--where He has brought me and what He has brought me out of, the more I am able to move my balloons out of harm's way!!

Quite possibly one of THE best movies EVER

Almost every semester, I show the movie Life as a House as a lead-in to one of our essays in my freshman comp class. I use it differently almost every time I use it, but I always find a way to make it work. I LOVE this movie.

Years ago (the movie came out in 1999 or 2000 or sometime thereabouts), I was visiting my sister and we decided to watch a movie on-demand. We settled on this movie, Life as a House. If you've ever seen it, you know that it has a VERY rough beginning. In all honesty, it's the type of beginning that makes you wonder why we continued watching it. As a Christian, I was having a very difficult time with the language as well as the subject matter. My sister and I discussed turning it off, but we decided that it seemed to have a point, so we were going to give it a little longer before we turned it off.

Then, just as the  movie was making a turn for the better, the lights went out. A storm had been raging outside for quite a while, but we didn't feel it necessary to turn off everything. When the lights went out, we both screamed and then asked each other if we thought the movie would go back to where we were. We were quite upset at being interrupted during the movie.

It was then that I realized that this movie might have had a rough beginning, but it was making a powerful impact on me.

By the end of the movie, we were both crying buckets. Ever since then, Life as a House has been one of those movies I tell everyone I can to watch and I make people watch it even if they don't want to!

I bring it up here in this blog about finding Joy Regardless of life's circumstances because in the movie, George, the main character played by Kevin Kline, tells his son Sam, played by Hayden Christenson, "You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant. It happened to me."  

I have experienced such change both ways--change for the worse and change for the better--and both have been "so constant [I didn't] even feel the difference until there [was] one." Prior to my explosion at my husband a few short years ago, I knew something was wrong, but life was going on....I was getting done what needed to be done...I was functioning. I went to school. I went to church. I did my job. I talked to my son. I read. But I wasn't LIVING. I was a body moving around with no real soul. I was angry, depressed, spiritless, lifeless, and worst of all, I hated myself and my life. I didn't even realize just how bad things were until I couldn't control my anger towards my husband. I had found my way into the very back recesses of my cave (see previous posts) and I hadn't even realized I was in such incredible darkness.

I had to go away for a time to collect and pull myself together. (Thank you, Fairhaven Ministries.) 

Since that time, I have been consistently reading my Bible. I've been doing a daily Bible reading plan to read through the Bible each year. I haven't finished it every year since then, but I've continued to read my Bible, regardless. 

I have done any number of Bible studies, most of which have been on Joy: Kay Warren's Choose Joy; Margaret Feinberg's Fight Back with Joy; Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts; Joyce Meyer's Seven Things that Steal Your Joy; as well as anything else I have been able to get my hands on regarding joy.

I began counseling--again--with a trusted counselor. I started going every week at first and then gradually worked down to doing just once a month. 

I got back into church. I had quit going for a while because I was just too overwhelmed with everything. Yes, I know....my husband is a pastor and I QUIT going to church. But I couldn't handle it. I've started teaching Sunday School again! That's a big one!

And, as I mentioned in my previous post, I began exercising/working out recently! I'm MOVING in some way, shape, form, or fashion at minimum 5 out of 7 days during the week! And I'm loving it--well, I'm enjoying it a whole lot more than I ever expected! :)

My point is that just as change was so constant in the direction of "worse" that I wasn't truly aware of what was happening, but it was also so constant in the direction of "better" without my being FULLY aware of what has been happening. I've felt better, but I haven't been fully AWARE of things being better....until recently.

And it's wonderful. Just as George realized that he was no longer going to let the "yucky" stuff in his life keep him from living, he consciously CHOOSES to LIVE. To make a life...to build a life, as George says: "I always thought of myself as a house. I was always what I lived in. It didn't need to be big. It didn't even need to be beautiful. It just needed to be mine. I became what I was meant to be. I built myself a life. I built myself a house."

I don't see myself as a house as he does. My analogy is of being in a dark, scary, horrific cave and rather than building a house to build my life, I came out of the cave, out of the darkness, and into the light! I don't need to be beautiful (to others). I just need to live my life the best I can, being a shining light for my Lord who has led me out of darkness and into the light!

I came out of the darkness and into the light...I have built myself a life of joy through the power of the Holy Spirit. And just as George's house is amazing and shows the positive changes in his life, the fact that God has sealed my cave shut shows the positive, wonderful changes in my own life.

So while my story is different from George's, the essence, the point is the same: we both realized life STUNK and we made conscious choices to change and make life better. George built a house to demonstrate the positive changes in his life. God is anointing me with His oil of JOY more than on anyone else! He is using me as a light to shine for Joy for him. 

I am becoming more and more what God has always meant for me to be, and I can't wait to see what God does in and with me next!!!

God is up to SOMETHING!

There are no words in the English language to fully describe or explain what has been going on in my life in recent weeks--months.  God is doing SOMETHING in me, in my life, and in the lives of those around me.  Freedom is the first word that comes to mind--as in, "My chains are GONE....I've been SET FREE!!!"  I've sung that song for years now and felt the Holy Ghost move every time I sing it, but now when I sing it, I also experience the FREEDOM the song is all about!  Wow.  

My marriage is on its way to FULL restoration.  My husband and I have reconnected (don't make me explain what that means).  I actually LIKE seeing him and being in the same room with him again.  I anxiously await his homecoming every day!  I WANT to call him every day or hear from him!  I can't wait to see him so I can share my day with him--my thoughts, my feelings, my hopes and dreams!  It has been YEARS since I even wanted to be in the same room with him.  I have hated my husband for a long time now.  I blamed him for so much of what has happened to us.  I am here to tell you that only God can take the negative emotions I've had towards my husband and turn them around.  And God has done it!

Remember my deep, dark, horrible, scary cave?  Remember the prophecy spoken over me a few short months ago??  See blog entry, "Word from the Holy Spirit."  Guess what?  Over the weekend, the Lord showed me that HE HAS ROLLED A GIANT STONE OVER THE ENTRANCE TO MY CAVE--AND HE HAS SEALED IT!!!!  Can you see me doing the Dance of Joy outside my cave????

I received that prophecy and God has brought it to fruition!  Just because it doesn't happen immediately does NOT mean that God has forgotten or that what He has promised won't be fulfilled.  Remember that Joseph spent YEARS waiting for God to fulfill His Promise to make him (Joseph) a leader/ruler.  And Abraham and Sarah waited something like 50 years for God to fulfill His promise to them [of a son of their union so they would have descendants to number the stars].  God has been working on healing me from the inside out for YEARS.  And just because this particular promise has been fulfilled, that does not mean that He is finished with me. 

My friends are telling me that God is moving in their lives, too!  One tells me that she is happier than she has been in recent years and others have noticed to the point of commenting on how happy she has been lately.  Another tells me that her spouse has found his own personal "prayer closet."  Another tells me that she is able to put her family and home situation in God's hands in spite of the fact that she is in the midst of severe trials!  And more and more stories of God's amazing work are coming in!

He is still working.  I'm a little nervous about what He is doing but only because it is always nerve-wracking dealing with the unknown.  I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I trust Him to finish His work in me.  He's promised--His word says that "God, who began the good work within [me], will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6  

I have been trying to figure out exactly what has helped bring about this 180 transformation in my life--what I have done to open the door so God could actually move and complete His work because, you know, it is important that we ourselves get out of His way.  Otherwise, we as much as say we don't want what He has for us.  Anyway, I have not come up with any one thing, but here is what I think has helped lead to my opening the window of my heart--and soul--to Him and what He is doing and wants to do in my life:

1.  My study on JOY.  I started my study on JOY in 2009 when I first bought a beautiful purple date book with JOY etched on the cover in wonderful calligraphy.  Since then, I have read and studied everything I can get my hands one regarding JOY and the study isn't over yet.  I keep a list of all the verses in the Bible on JOY and I refer to it quite often.  As part of that, God gave me the verse, "You love justice and hate evil. Therefore God, your God, has anointed you, pouring out the oil of joy on you more than on anyone else." (Psalm 45:7 & Hebrews 1:9)  I received it and claimed it as my own.  Many of my friends will tell you truthfully that God HAS anointed me and poured out His oil of JOY on me more than on anyone else!

2.  I have also done several other Bible studies, mostly word studies:  "Stand," "armor of God," "save/rescue/fight for," "strong," and "light."  Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts has also had a huge impact as I have studied "gratitude" from the perspective of eucharisteo.  I have even been keeping my own gratitude journal for over a year now and I continue to find amazing miracles in my life to be thankful for!

3.  My Prayer Warriors.  I don't think there will ever be a way to know for sure exactly who or how many people have been praying for me--and my family--over the years.  I do know that they have been praying.  Every so often, one of my Precious Prayer Warriors would send me a message just to let me know he/she was thinking of me and praying for me.  (Guys, if God puts someone on your heart, listen and pray and then let that person know.  OK?)  Those words of comfort and encouragement have meant more to me than words can express.

4.  A refusal to give up.  I may have sat on a rock in my cave for a long time, scared, alone, and ready to give up, but after a while, I did get up and start moving--looking for the light--God's light.  And Hallelujah, I found it!  In spite of the fact that I am bruised, broken, battered, torn, and even beaten down, I'm STILL STANDING IN THE LIGHT OF GOD and HE HAS RESCUED ME--He fought for me--He held me up and carried me when I couldn't take another step--He has held my hand when I needed guidance.  And here I am, out of my cave, free, and FULL of the JOY of the Lord!  "The joy of the Lord is my strength!"  (Nehemiah 8:10)  Here's a wonderful version of the song!

5.  Going back to church.  Yes, I stayed out of church for about a year.  Yes, my husband is the pastor and he continued to be the pastor even while I was not going.  Yes, I had my son to think about, but he just started getting up and going with his dad.  But one day, I just went.  And I have been back ever since.  I have found a renewed joy and purpose in being a part of my church as the Pastor's Wife.  Of course our "flock" has welcomed me back into the fold with open and loving arms.  

6.  Daily Bible Reading.  I got back into reading my Bible on a daily basis.  I started a Bible plan to read the Bible in a year two years ago, but when we went to Disney in August of that year, I allowed myself to get behind and I never caught up.  Then last year, I finished the year having read my Bible from cover to cover!  And this year, I'm doing it again!  

7.  Music, worship.  I claimed "It is Well" (this link is only one of the many amazing versions available) as my life-song and I listened to it, sang it, worshipped with it at every possible opportunity.  I have even learned to play it on the piano.  I even read the background story on the writing of the song and that was powerful and moving.  If you don't know how Horatio Spafford came up with the lyrics to this wonderful song, I highly recommend that you read the story.  I simply began worshipping the Lord with my sacrifice of praise.  In spite of the fact that I didn't FEEL like worshipping, I worshipped anyway.  I truly learned what it means to bring to Him a sacrifice of Praise and in Praising Him through my hurt and pain, He met me where I was!!!  (Shari Easter's "Praise His Name.")

8.  Counseling.  This was vital.  Huge.  When we can't fight the fight or walk the walk on our own, it is VITALLY IMPORTANT to get professional help.  My counseling team has been CRUCIAL to my healing process.  I could not have moved forward without any of them over the past several years.  Of course, my own personal counselor who I've been with for about 10 years now has been my ROCK.  I praise God for using her in each and every session.  I ALWAYS left each and every session uplifted and able to see just a little more light than previously.

9.  Writing.  Journaling.  Going through Mari McCarthy's Peace of Mind and Body and other journaling journeys.  Because of Mari's influence, I also began writing (journaling) again every single day.  I have now written a rough draft of my memoir that I hope to finish this year--as you know if you have been reading this blog since its conception back in September 2014.  

10.  Simply--focusing on God.  I quit focusing on what was bothering me--what was hurting me and causing me anxiety.  I began to look to Him in all things.  I had to go away for a time to regroup and reconnect with Him because it was all just TOO much.  When I couldn't find anywhere on my own to go, I called Focus on the Family.  The counselor there directed me to Fairhaven.  I called and was told they were all booked up.  Then just before we hung up, the receptionist called out, "Wait!  I do have something!"  I was honest and told her that I had no money to pay for my visit.  She said, "Don't worry about that.  Just come on."  So I did.  God met me there and began the work in me that He is doing now!!  I even had the honor of participating in a video they did for a tv spot!  Polly

And now I am just STANDING back and watching Him work!  He removed someone who was a living, breathing enemy!  He has restored my marriage--and he's still working on it!!!  He has given me PEACE that passes ALL understanding!  He has broken my CHAINS--I am FREE!!!  I WANT to do things again--clean, go shopping, hang out with friends, go to social functions, LIVE!!!  He has restored my LAUGHTER that comes from deep in my soul and pours forth with no effort!!!

There is an old song from a play my uncle, brother, sister, and I were in way back in the late 1980s, Down by the Creekbank by Dottie Rambo:  "Is there Anything I Can Do For You?"  It was MY song.  I don't think I got to sing it, but I loved it.  I at least sang it at home all the time and I have learned to play it on the piano--well, I used to be able to play it!  Anyway, I bring it up because I offer these words to my Lord and Savior from the depths of my being....

"Is there anything I can BE for You?  Is there anything I can DO for You?  Is there anywhere I can Go for You?  I'm willing to be used by You, Dear Lord.  For all the things You've done for me, is there anything I can do/be/anywhere I can go?"

(That's me in the yellow coveralls!)

Word from the Holy Spirit

We had a really great Sunday School class today.  We were doing the Bible Study to Ann Voskamp's ONE THOUSAND GIFTS.  We're still on the first lesson; it's just taking us a while to get through everything.  

The question reads:  "Read:  John 11:38-44.  Ann talks about thanksgiving raising the dead.  What are some connections between thanksgiving and new life being unleashed in the dark and dead places of life?"

I've shared with my ladies this before, but I was telling them, again, about the deep, dark, scary, lonely cave I've been in over the past several years--a tomb-like cave (just as the tomb Lazarus was in).  Over the years, as I have studied JOY and begun to express gratitude and thankfulness for the things that bring me JOY and for the things I see around me that God has done and is doing for me, I have begun to move out of the darkest recesses of my cave towards the light.  Recently, I have felt as if I have been in the opening of my cave, but--as I told my counselor once, I expect that I will always have to be in or near my cave--either at the entrance or at least close enough to see it simply because of how deep my pain, hurt, and rage go.

Today, as I was sharing this, my beloved friend put down her pen and turned to me.  I saw it all as if it was happening in slow motion.  It wasn't until afterwards that we both realized it was a word from the Holy Spirit.  With tears streaming down her cheeks, she told me that God was going to take me COMPLETELY out of my cave and He was going to roll the stone over it so that I never have to enter it again.  God is going to change me such as I never expected.  He is going to fill me with His Holy Spirit as He completely heals me and brings me out of my cave--forever.  God is going to use me as an encourager.  I will be in the Light--in His light.  God has plans for me--to use what I have been through for His glory.  

Just as Christ raised Lazarus from the dead and brought him out of that dark, scary tomb, God is raising ME from the dead and bringing ME out of the tomb of death I've been in for several years--for far too long.

This wasn't part of the prophecy/Word from the Holy Spirt at the time, but as I have continued to study, read, and pray over this Word throughout the day, I also feel the Holy Spirit telling me that just as Christ wept over the death of Lazarus because He loved Lazarus, Christ has wept (weeps) over my spiritual death.  He loves me THAT MUCH.  And just as He raised Lazarus from the dead, He is raising ME from my [spiritual] death.

Wow.  

I still can't get over the power of that word.  The more I think about it, the more I write about it, the more I find myself in complete awe that He used my sweet friend to give this word to ME.  He loves me so much that He used His loved one to tell me exactly what I needed, desperately, to hear.  

I will never again look at the story of Lazarus being raised from the dead in the same way I have in the past!!!!

Thank You, Lord, for Your Word for me today.  I receive it.  I accept it.  I claim it.  I will not fight You as You lead me out of my cave--my tomb--into Your Light and close the door of my cave--my tomb--behind me.  

Remind me.  Bring this Word to my remembrance often.  Thank You, Lord!

John 11:35-36 & 38-44New Living Translation (NLT)

35 Then Jesus wept. 36 The people who were standing nearby said, “See how much he loved him!”

38 Jesus was still angry as he arrived at the tomb, a cave with a stone rolled across its entrance. 39 “Roll the stone aside," Jesus told them.

But Martha, the dead man's sister, protested, “Lord, he has been dead for four days. The smell will be terrible."

40 Jesus responded, “Didn't I tell you that you would see God's glory if you believe?" 41 So they rolled the stone aside. Then Jesus looked up to heaven and said, “Father, thank you for hearing me. 42 You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so that they will believe you sent me." 43 Then Jesus shouted, “Lazarus, come out!" 44 And the dead man came out, his hands and feet bound in graveclothes, his face wrapped in a headcloth. Jesus told them, “Unwrap him and let him go!"

New Living Translation (NLT)

Holy Bible. New Living Translation copyright© 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.