Saturday, June 10, 2017

Fears after Child Loss

From the moment of hearing that our precious James Isaac no longer had a heartbeat, I have had two fears: 

1. that he would be forgotten
2. that he would be remembered

Let me explain the second fear first since I'm sure that seems strange to you. After the loss of a loved one, especially a child, hearing the loved one's name brings a feeling that is super difficult to explain. Those who have experienced it will know what I'm talking about. It's kind of like having butterflies in your stomach when you're nervous before a test or recital or the like, but yet it's MORE. 

My heart flutters, my stomach drops down into my toes, the butterflies fly en masse, my heart stops beating, my face goes red, my face blanches, I feel faint, I feel like running [away]. The feeling is even worse when someone I don't know or who never knew my James Isaac (or Panya Ruth or Anna Rose) says his name. Or when someone I'm not too terribly fond of says his (their) name.

It is difficult to hear the name of my beloved son and those of his sisters spoken out loud. In my grieving, I have found it super difficult to say their names myself. I went a long time not being able to write their names even. I still hesitate and have to remind myself to breathe when I say their names. 

Why? You may ask and it is a valid question--especially if you haven't experienced such loss. Because their names bring the memories to the forefront--again--flooding back to the surface like a tsunami, ready to drown me in sorrow once again. The pain of my losses is ALWAYS just below the surface as it is; it's always ready to explode at the slightest provocation, especially when someone speaks their name. Most of the time, I can smile and laugh and LIVE and function in as normal a manner as possible--living in the full JOY of the Lord. But it only takes one tiny thing, saying his name, to open the floodgates.

But I NEED to hear his name--their names. I NEED to know that they are remembered. I mean, come on. I carried James Isaac to term. I was at 38 weeks when we discovered his heart was no longer beating. And while Panya Ruth and Anna Rose were both gone by my 11th week, my heart had already fallen in love with them the same way it had for the one I carried full term. My babies LIVED. Just because the state of North Carolina never gave me a birth certificate doesn't mean that they didn't live. My heart, my body, and my very soul know that each one was just as alive and whole as the one son I have here with me, Samuel. (Samuel is my rainbow baby is just recently turned 16!)

So when I received the following note just a few weeks ago, the emotions that ran through me are next to impossible to describe:

My heart.

Ben's mom, Leslie, and I worked together at the same school and we were both pregnant at the same time. I was about two months further along than she was, but we were close enough that we developed and quick, easy, and strong relationship in our shared joy of pregnancy. We are close in age and have many similar interests and personality traits. It was a JOY to be pregnant together. (This picture is of us at Miami Beach when we took our Seniors on their Senior trip. That's Ben in her very pregnant belly.)

We often talked about the play dates our boys would have and how they would grow up together as the closest of friends, just like their moms. It is a treasured time in my life.

But then James Isaac was stillborn.

Leslie was there to hold my hand, to comfort, to pray with me, and to just BE with me. She was a true FRIEND in my hour of need and I will NEVER forget that she felt as if she had lost her child, too. It meant so much to me that she loved my Precious so very much. I was able to visit and hold and love on Ben soon after he was born and Leslie came to see us two years later when my Samuel was born.

But over the years, we both moved on to other jobs and we simply have not been able to hang out and do things together. We have managed to stay connected via Facebook, which has been wonderful!! We haven't actually seen each other in 16 years.

 And then Ben's note arrived in the mail. Distance doesn't matter in the slightest when a friend is real and true. Time doesn't matter in the slightest when a friend is real and true. Leslie is both. And to learn that she remembered my James Isaac to such a degree that she told her son Ben all about him and about our dreams for our boys made my heart do all kinds of crazy wonderful things. My heart was truly full to bursting. It messaged Leslie and told her that I would be at Ben's graduation--as would my husband James and my Samuel.

There are not words for the JOYFUL SORROW I have experienced over the past several weeks and especially as we watched Ben cross the stage last night at his high school graduation. All I can do is tell my precious friend, Leslie, and her wonderful son, Ben--THANK YOU. Thank you. Thank you.

I love you dearly and I always will.

 








And I can't help including a picture of Leslie and me with our students at their Senior Formal.


Friday, March 24, 2017

The Wonder Woman

She grew up in an era when Wonder Woman was the hero of the
day. The show was a hit. Every little girl wanted to be Diana Prince, aka Wonder Woman. A truly wonderful woman who was beautiful, strong, smart, powerful, but every inch a woman--beloved by all.


Whenever she and her friends played pretend, she was Wonder Woman, turning in the Wonder-Woman twirl, going from Diana Prince to Wonder Woman in a brilliant flash of light.


She even had Wonder Woman Underoos that she wore until she could no longer wear them. Her little sister had Wonder Woman boots that she wore everywhere with every outfit. Yes, her sister even wore her Wonder Woman boots on Easter Sunday with her pretty, new Easter dress--no matter how much she and her brother begged their mom to make her sister take them off. Her younger sister would throw a tantrum until their mom simply had to give in out of sheer exhaustion. Like herself with her Wonder Woman Underoos, her sister wore those Wonder Woman boots until they fell off her feet.


As the years passed, she forgot about Wonder Woman. Not in such a way that she completely forgot, just forgot in such a way that life went on. The show was eventually cancelled. She grew up. Graduated from high school. Went to college. Got her graduate degree. Fell in love and got married.


And eventually she learned that she was going to have a baby. If the baby was going to be a girl, she would have her own Wonder Woman underoos!


But the baby didn’t make it.


Wasn’t Wonder Woman able to fix anything? Didn’t Diana always twirl around into Wonder Woman and use her magical lasso or her headband or bracelets to save the day? How come she couldn’t use that magic lasso of her deep love this time to make her baby breathe the same way she could get villains to tell the truth?


Wonder Woman NEVER failed.


Ever.


She ALWAYS got her man. She ALWAYS won the day. She ALWAYS saved those she cared about from certain death.


Always.


But this time she was a failure. Even the flash of light when she twirled didn’t change her from plain, ordinary, practically useless Diana Prince into the amazingly wonderful, powerful, strong, practically perfect in every way Wonder Woman. No matter how magical her lasso was, it was powerless this time. Her headband and bracelets couldn’t deflect the enemy’s bullets from taking the life of her Precious. Her invisible plane couldn’t whisk them away to her Amazonian home where magic abounded in a vain attempt to save him.


Wonder Woman NEVER fails.


Never.


She ALWAYS wins.


ALWAYS.


But not this time….


….not this time.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Achieving goals

As part of my recovery and choosing JOY regardless of what I've been through, I made a conscious decision to live my life with intentionality. So in January of 2014, I completed a dreamboard using dreamitalive.com. My dreams as noted on that dream board were--and still are: 

1. Marriage restoration--complete marriage restoration
2. Take a group of students to England (and see a play performed in the "new" Globe theater)
3. Be "Teacher of the Year"--or at least nominated for it
4. Go back to Disney and stay at a Disney resort for no less than 7 days
5. Get healthy--not really to lose weight, but to be healthy
6. "I am holding a copy of my new book in my hand. It's beautiful. It's the cover God showed me in a vision 15 years ago. Others are reading it and being blessed as a direct result of my story. God is being honored. - See more at: http://www.dreamitalive.com/pandapaw48/dreamboard#sthash.1xQPXTIC.dpuf"

I have had that dreamboard image tacked to my corkboard bulletin board on the door to my pantry in my kitchen ever since I created it. I see it every single day. I have prayed over it. Not much has changed about it--except that some of my dreams have come true....

1. Marriage restoration--complete marriage restoration--within a year of creating this dreamboard, my husband and I attended a "Weekend to Remember" event with FamilyLife Today. During that weekend, we re-committed ourselves to one another and renewed our vows. I'd call that a marriage restoration!
2. Take a group of students to England (and see a play performed in the "new" Globe theater)--I'm still trying for this one. I recently requested from the powers that be the opportunity to take a group of students to England, but because of recent travel restrictions, it's a no-go. I'll try again in a few months--once things have settled down as far as traveling is concerned. I'm not giving up!!!
3. Be "Teacher of the Year"--or at least nominated for it--as of today, March 21, 2017, I have been nominated for the "Excellence in Teaching" award for this year. (It means the same thing as "Teacher of the year.") I am truly humbled and honored for this nomination and I honestly mean it when I say that it is an honor just being nominated. It is a dream come true; one I put on my dreamboard as a "secret" dream that I didn't tell anyone about...until now. Now for the work of putting together all the necessary paperwork needed to fulfill my nomination requirements!
4. Go back to Disney and stay at a Disney resort for no less than 7 days--it'll happen....one day!
5. Get healthy--not really to lose weight, but to be healthy--So this one has been very difficult. I did start going to the pool; I even got a membership at a local gym with a pool. I was going at least 4 times a week. But then I got busy and had to pull back and I haven't had a chance to go now in more than a year. I want to go.....
6. "I am holding a copy of my new book in my hand. It's beautiful. It's the cover God showed me in a vision 15 years ago. Others are reading it and being blessed as a direct result of my story. God is being honored. - See more at: http://www.dreamitalive.com/pandapaw48/dreamboard#sthash.1xQPXTIC.dpuf"--the reality of publishing a book I've written is becoming more and more real. I still have a lot of work to do, but I'm being very proactive. I know that this dream will come to pass SOON!!!

I know that there are those who will read this blog entry and roll their eyes in reaction to what they perceive as me bragging or rubbing my successes in their faces. I can't help how some people respond. I'm truly sorry if you are one of these; I am not sharing because I want to brag or rub it in anyone's face. I am sharing because I want to Praise my God for what He has done and is doing in my life! 
Psalm 71:15, NLT: "I will tell everyone about your righteousness. All day long I will proclaim your saving power, for I am overwhelmed by how much you have done for me."


Tuesday, March 14, 2017

When the Music Begins

"Why are you so eager to die?"--writing prompt (following is what came from this prompt)**Revised**


When the Music Begins
        Frustrated, she screamed and swiped the papers, pens, pencils, knick-knacks, snacks, and drinks off the top of the piano. She repeatedly banged her head on the piano top, screaming incoherently through each pounding. The tears flowed freely. She was powerless to stop her temper tantrum, as she called it; others might have called it an anxiety attack or something more meaningful. She hated herself for her lack of control and inability to change anything, for her weakness.
        As if from out of a tunnel, soft moans of “Mom,” “Mo-o-om,” called her back to consciousness. Taking a quick moment to straighten her clothes and then rushing into the bathroom to splash some cold water on her face, she plastered on her biggest mommy-is-just-fine smile and went in to her son’s room. She fought the catch in her spirit as she looked once again on his too-tiny-for-his-age body. Choking back the sobs, she sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her Precious into her arms.
        He sighed contentedly as he relaxed into her, his head on her breast, feeling the solid beating of her heart telling him that it beat for him. “Mom?” he coughed.
        She couldn’t stop the tears, but she could control her voice, “Yes, Sugar-Bear?” She ran her fingers through his hair, snuggling him closer and murmuring soft words of comfort.
        “Why were you screaming?”
        “What?” she was horrified that he had heard her. She had been so wrapped up in her own emotions, she had forgotten how thin the walls were.
        “You have to finish it, Mom,” he croaked.
        “No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. . . .”
She wondered “Why are you so eager to die?”
She knew, deep in her very soul, that finishing the song meant his death. There was something un-namable, something un-identifiable about the connection between her writing this song and her son’s life.
        As long as she didn’t finish the song. . . she refused to finish the thought as she rocked her baby back and forth and her arms, still repeating, “No. No. No. No. No. . . .”
        He hugged her back, whispering, “It’s ok, Mom. It’s ok. Yes. It’s ok. It’s ok.”
         She soon felt his little body go slack in her arms. As she tucked him back in for the night, her tears continued flowing steadily. She leaned over to kiss his adorable, somehow-still-plump cheek and noticed a piece of paper clutched in his hand. She gently unfurled his fingers and smoothed out the wrinkles the best she could.
        Her hand flew to her mouth to stifle her cries even as her mind registered the words written in her son’s baby scribble, “Lord, please tell Mommy that You’ve got this. Jesus, please hold Mommy tight in Your arms as You are already holding me. Tell her it’s ok, Jesus. It’s ok. . . .”
        She crumpled to the floor, grabbed the extra blanket on the bottom of her son’s bed, stifling her sobs. She rocked back and forth, staring at the words on the paper until she could no longer see through her tears.
        After a long time, she gently sat on the edge of the bed and took his slight hand in hers. She kissed each miniscule finger and then held his hand against her cheek as she memorized every inch of her pint-sized Precious.
        Resolved, she quietly stole out of the room and went straight to her piano. She didn’t bother with all the paper and pens. Her heart knew the notes.
        As the angelic music filled the tiny apartment, he smiled in his sleep and dreamed of arms opening wide to welcome him home. . . .

Saturday, March 4, 2017

He would be 18 this year....a high school senior

There is so much to be JOY-Full about in the month of March: my parents' anniversary, birthdays for a number of friends, family, and loved ones, good things happening at work and in my personal life, and first day of Spring. So many wonderful reasons to Celebrate.

But as we move further into the month of March, my heart is heavy,
too. Exactly two weeks from today, James Isaac would have been turning 18 years old. This is the year he would be graduating from high school and going off to college. But I'm not helping anyone select just the right college. I don't have to worry about filling out college applications or scholarship applications. Or even begin praying over him as he prepares to enter the military--that certainly could have been a realistic choice for him. I'm not spending any money for Senior portraits, graduation cap & gown, graduation announcements, a class ring, or even a downpayment on a place for him to live. We aren't visiting colleges. 

I'm not preparing myself for the day when he gets in his car and drives off to school--or we drop him off--and our home has one less body. I'll never tease him about only coming home so Mom can do his laundry or fix him a good, hot meal. 

He won't be going to see much-anticipated movies like Logan or John Wick with his brother [or me]. I won't be dragging him to see the live-action version of Beauty and the Beast as his 18th birthday present since it opens on his birthday.

We aren't planning a family Senior trip for both my nephew and James Isaac as we should be doing.

As others celebrate St. Patrick's Day, we celebrate life and love and the loss of a life. So when I wear Blue on March 17 instead of green, don't pinch me. I'll ALWAYS wear blue on March 17.

Always.

I can't tell you how desperately I want to have such wonders going on right now. 

*Don't worry. I'm ok. My heart is just heavy.


Wednesday, March 1, 2017

What I really wish others knew about me is...

What I really wish others knew about me is...that I may walk around day in and day out with a huge smile on my face, telling those who ask that I am "Peachy," but the truth is that I am more often than not wearing a mask. Yes, my Lord has anointed me with His oil of JOY more than anyone else, but inside, my soul continues to scream in pain because 3 of my children are not here on this earth with me. Their absence is ALWAYS on my mind and in my heart and soul. 

James Isaac-3/17/99
Panya Ruth-11/10/99
Anna Rose-11/22/05 

Friday, February 24, 2017

Shine Brightly

Exodus 34:29-30, 33-35New Living Translation (NLT)
29 When Moses came down Mount Sinai carrying the two stone tablets inscribed with the terms of the covenant, he wasn’t aware that his face had become radiant because he had spoken to the Lord. 30 So when Aaron and the people of Israel saw the radiance of Moses’ face, they were afraid to come near him.
33 When Moses finished speaking with them, he covered his face with a veil. 34 But whenever he went into the Tent of Meeting to speak with the Lord, he would remove the veil until he came out again. Then he would give the people whatever instructions the Lord had given him, 35 and the people of Israel would see the radiant glow of his face. So he would put the veil over his face until he returned to speak with the Lord.

Mark 4:21New Living Translation (NLT)
21 Then Jesus asked them, “Would anyone light a lamp and then put it under a basket or under a bed? Of course not! A lamp is placed on a stand, where its light will shine.
Philippians 2:15bNew Living Translation (NLT)
15 Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people.

Isaiah 58:10New Living Translation (NLT)
10 Feed the hungry,
    and help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
    and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.

Isaiah 60:1-3, 5, 19-20New Living Translation (NLT)
60 “Arise, Jerusalem! Let your light shine for all to see.
    For the glory of the Lord rises to shine on you.
Darkness as black as night covers all the nations of the earth,
    but the glory of the Lord rises and appears over you.
All nations will come to your light;
    mighty kings will come to see your radiance.
Your eyes will shine,
    and your heart will thrill with joy,
for merchants from around the world will come to you.
    They will bring you the wealth of many lands.
19 “No longer will you need the sun to shine by day,
    nor the moon to give its light by night,
for the Lord your God will be your everlasting light,
    and your God will be your glory.
20 Your sun will never set;
    your moon will not go down.
For the Lord will be your everlasting light.
    Your days of mourning will come to an end.

First of all, I will not apologize for all the scripture for this post. God's Word speaks better than I ever can, so I hope that you will take the time to look these scriptures up for yourselves in your own Bibles in your own preferred translations and allow the Holy Spirit to speak to you through them as well.

Secondly, as I've mentioned to you before, we're studying Priscilla Shirer's Bible Study Armor of God. It was during the study of the Helmet of Salvation that the Lord showed me that we are meant to shine--just as Moses' face glowed so brightly that he had to wear a veil, so are we meant to glow so brightly that we have to wear a veil (a helmet) so that those who see us won't be afraid!!! Moses' veil helped lessen the glow from his face after spending time with God; our helmet of salvation is a way for us to help lessen our own inner glow after spending time with God!

Our walk with God is not meant to scare anyone, especially non-believers. We are meant to draw unbelievers to Christ, to show Christ--the love of Christ--to the unsaved. When we are over-bearing or do things in our zealous joy and excitement for Him, we can scare off unbelievers. I know that I have joked over the years that I do NOT need alcohol to let loose and have fun. I can and do often get very silly and foolishly full of the JOY of the Lord. I don't mean to scare people with my JOY, but I know that there are those who can find it a bit overwhelming.

When I have on my full armor, though, God can take my overwhelming JOY and use it for His glory--to dull it just enough that it doesn't scare off unbelievers, but so that it draws unbelievers to Him. I don't demonstrate the full JOY of the Lord because I want others to notice me or give me attention; I do it because my JOY truly does come from His anointing. His anointing oil of JOY is the ONLY way I am able to have full JOY in Him.

If it was up to me, if I had to function on my own without God, I can promise you that I would be curled up into a ball on my couch, comfortingly snuggled deep inside my blankets, never to come out. And that would be on a good day. But because my wonderful God anointed me with His oil of JOY and because He alone has taken the ashes of my life and made something beautiful and because He alone has turned my mourning into JOY, I am able to shine brightly for Him.

I will never hide my light under a basket. I will always do my very best to shine brightly for Him--to bring light to those living in darkness--because He Himself has taken ME out of the darkness and brought me into the fullness of His shining Light. For that, I will forever be eternally grateful. What other option do I have than to be one whose light shines so brightly that God has to lessen it by putting a veil (or a helmet) over my face!

THE JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH!!!