Wednesday, November 26, 2014

100 Reasons Family is Important

‪#‎Journaling Prompt: Blood Is Thicker Than Water. Write 100 reasons that family is important.

1.  Simply because I love them.
2.  And because they love me....Hallelujah.....whether I'm love-able or not!
3.  They are PRESENT when I need them--even when they are far away.
4.  I try to be PRESENT when they need me--even if I can't BE in the same room.
5.  They are always on my side--even if/when I am in the wrong.
6.  They always have my back. (I know it's basically the same things as #4, but I have 95 more of these to go!)
7.  They know how to make me feel special.
8.  They know how to make me feel important.
9.  They know how to make me feel loved.
10.  They encourage me.
11.  They believe in me.
12.  I learn from them.
13.  They tell me the truth....what I NEED to hear, not what I WANT to hear.
14.  They provide desperately needed support.
15.  They pick me up when I fall down.
16.  Of all the people in my life, I know that they would sincerely miss me were anything ever to happen to me.
17.  I never have to doubt any way, shape, form, or fashion.
18.  Whether we apologize or not for wronging one another, we ALWAYS forgive one another.
19.  My mom knows what love to eat and she does her best to make those things for me or to provide them for me.
20.  My dad knows I love to talk and even though he isn't a big talker himself, he lets me talk and will even respond to me.
21.  My sister cares enough to want me to get healthy and she tries to live by example.  (I try to pay attention.  I really do.)
22.  My brother has always been my hero.  He might beat me up--well, he used to, but I have always known that he would fight to the death for me if the need arose.
23.  My parents have kept me fed for most of my life.
24.  My parents have clothed me for most of my life.
25.  Mom and Baba even used to make my clothes for me since it has always been so difficult finding anything to fit properly--what with my being so short and wide.
26.  Baba gave me a love for women's ankles!  :)
27.  Gramdpa taught me so much about faith and how to live out my faith.
28.  Grandpa was THE BEST hugger in the world!  I want to be just like him!
29.  Mom hugs me every time she sees me.  (Sometimes I even get kisses!)
30.  Dad hugs me every time he sees me.  (Sometimes I even get kisses from him, too!)
31.  Katie hugs me every time she sees me!
32.  Kenny hugs me, too, albeit begrudgingly!  :)  It's ok.
33.  Kella hugs me every time she sees me!
34.  Kenny and Kella have come to be with me--to sit with me--over the years when I have had my various surgeries....even when all I was able to do was sit and/or sleep.  Thank you!!!!
35.  Ellen hugs me when she sees me, too!
36.  Ellen cuts my hair!  She would probably do it for free, but I love that she has grown up to do something so awesome and I am proud to be able to thank her in payment for helping me look at least halfway decent, if not pretty!
37.  Scott hugs me when he sees me, too!
38.  Even Nate gives me hugs!  
39.  James' side of our family has always made me loved and welcome, too.
40.  When I spilled my soft drink on Betty Ruth's white carpet the first time I ever met her, she never made me feel stupid for doing it--even though I'm sure under normal circumstances she would have passed out seeing her carpet stained like that!  Thank you, Betty Ruth!
41.  The Watson clan has always tried to work with our schedules and visits home so we could see and visit with as many of them as possible.
42.  I even get hugs from so many of my beloved Watson family members!
43.  They put up with my quirks.
44.  They put up with my eccentricities.
45.  They indulge my passion for books!
46.  They indulge my passion for pandas!
47.  They put up with my passion for life--in other words, my being LOUD!
48.   They KNOW me...the REAL me.
49.  They GET me.
50.  I always have a place to stay when I visit.
51.  They actually come visit me because they WANT to see me and spend time with me!
52.  They read my facebook posts!
53.  They "Life" my facebook posts!
54.  They read my blog entries!
55.  They read a lot of stuff that I write and share with them.
56.  They even seem to want to read some of the things I write!
57.  They will read books I suggest they read.
58.  They will watch movies I recommend.
59.  They recommend books to me--that I read.
60.  They recommend movies to me--that I watch.
61.  They will watch a tv show I recommend.
62.  I read books they recommend.
63.  I watch movies they recommend.
64.  I watch tv shows they recommend.
65.  We have inside jokes.
66.  I get hugs from each of my uncles, too!
67.  They share my faith.
68.  They come to my defense--quickly.
69.  Mom cuts my toenails for me--when she is able!
70.  We actually WANT TO spend time together.
71.  When we spend time together, we get along--mostly!
72.  Dad builds things for me--bookshelves, a swing, a cabinet where I've kept my DVDs for years, and on and on....
73.  Dad fixes things for me--the list is too long even to try to begin!
74.  We LAUGH together.....a lot.  (This is one of my favorites.)
75.  They laugh at my inane jokes.
76.  They love my son--as much as I do....
77.  They support my decisions--right, wrong, or just plain unusual.
78.  They buy things for me that I actually like.
79.  They buy things for me that I actually want.
80.  Even when I have been too busy to call, they still contact me.
81.  They actually THINK about me periodically!
82.  They don't criticize--too much!  :)
83.  They know what makes me tick.
84.  They let me help them--when I am able!  Or know what I am doing!
85.  Plain and simply, they are WONDERFUL.
86.  Mom and Dad took us all to Disney World several times when we were kids!
87.  Katie went with James, Samuel, and I to Disney World last year--because I wanted to go!
88.  They always make me feel at home.
89.  They remember.
90.  They have looked through the many scrapbooks I have made!
91.  They have gone all the way out to Missouri even just to
visit me.  Now THAT's true love!
92.  We sing together.
93.  We play together.
94.  We all love to play board games--together.
95.  We all love to play card games--together.
96.  They know my friends as well as I do--sometimes even better than I do!
97.  Their friends become my friends simply by association.
98.  My friends become their friends simply by association.
99.  They love me.  They really do love me!
100.  They PRAY FOR ME.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

ANOTHER Anniversary

As I mentioned earlier, November is a very difficult month because so much (so many tragedies, in particular) has happened to me--to us--in November.  Today is another anniversary.  This one is of our Precious Anna Rose who miscarried on this day in 2005.  

I am not handling this anniversary very well, so I ask for your prayers today and throughout the rest of the month.  I am feeling that horrific Rage trying to rise to the surface again.  I'm trying to squelch him, but he is pretty powerful and I am finding that I am much weaker on anniversaries than at any other time.  As Banner says in the Avengers' movie, "That's my secret Cap'n.  I'm always angry."

In advance, I thank you sincerely for your thoughts and prayers.  

That is all.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

This is for the loved ones of the Grieving

(I do not mean to imply that the loved ones are not grieving as well.  I am simply using it as a term to help with the content of this blog post.  For the purposes of this post, I mean “the Grieving” as in the one(s) who suffered the actual physical loss.  I need distinction between them and the families.)

 From day one after losing my Precious James Isaac, I have had to deal with—put up with—hurtful comments from well-meaning loved ones, friends, and family.  I was told that the cord was wrapped around James Isaac’s neck because I had lifted my hands above my head [too often].  Instead of light switches in our house, we had strings hanging from the ceiling so every time I turned on a light, I had to lift my arm above my head. 

I was told things like “God just needed another angel up in heaven.”

I was told that I just need to “get over it and move on.”

I had one scripture after another quoted to me—as if I had not already been studying and reading scripture like a hungry mother wolf getting her nourishment. 

I cannot even begin to tell you all the hurtful things said to me over the years simply because there are too many and because I honestly have tried—very hard—to forget them.  Otherwise it would be too difficult to spend time with these same people day to day because some of these well-meaning well-wishers were/are close friends and family.  I love them too much to hurt them in return.  They did not mean to hurt me.  They simply wanted to DO or SAY something to make things better and they thought that what they were doing or saying was helping. 

Sadly, there were wrong.

So this one is for you, Beloved Friends and Family members. 

*Whatever you do, do not make it about you.  If you are hurt because the Griever did not tell you she was pregnant to begin with, that is understandable, but that was not your decision to make.  Maybe if you let your loved one tell you the whole story—if she is able to share it, you will learn the whys and wherefores and then you will find that you are ashamed of yourself for being offended in the first place.  Yes, you are grieving, too because you love your Griever so very much, but in this case, it is not about you; it is about her. 

*Let her share as much as she is able in her own time and in her own way.  I promise you that if you give her space and let her know that you are willing to listen—or not, she will open up to you.  It might not be right away, but she will and she will more than appreciate your validation of her heart when you let her share when she is ready.

*There will be days when she will not get out of bed.  Or if she does, she does not make it any further than the couch.  She will not shower.  She will not eat.  She certainly will not get dressed.  She simply cannot face the day.  Do not make her feel bad because she is unable to face the world.  Go to her and snuggle with her.  Hold her hand.  There isn’t any need to talk unless she wants to.  Let her lead you.

*Go sit with her and hold her, hold her hand, cry with her, laugh with her, BE with her.  Hugs are best.

*Words are unnecessary.  You may feel with every fiber of your being the desperate need to share some words of wisdom.  You know in your heart of hearts that the words you have to speak to her are exactly what she needs to hear.  Guess what, Loved One?  The words you so desperately want to say are more than likely NOT the words she needs, wants, or is even ready to hear.  Bite your tongue.  Write them down.  Tell them to someone else.  But do not tell her.  There is a big chance that what you think will be words of comfort will end up being hurtful words that could put a wedge in your relationship when all you were trying to do was make it better.  Your words more than likely will NOT make it better—they will NOT make her feel better.  They will NOT make the pain go away. 

*Telling her, “Call me if you need ANYTHING” or asking “What can I do for you?” are both inadequate in that she has NO idea what she needs.  She knows she needs something, but she has no idea what she needs.  So do not bother offering or asking, just DO.

Do her dishes.  Clean her bathroom.  Do her laundry.  Cook her a meal.  Send her a card just to let her know you are thinking about her.  Buy her something pretty.  Find out, if you do not already know, what she likes and get it for her—a book, knitting thread, a pair of earrings, her favorite drink, her favorite candy, and on and on it goes.  Take her out to lunch.  Take her to a movie you know she would like to see.  If she has other children, take them for a couple of hours one afternoon. 

It really is the little things that matter in the life of your Griever.  It does not take much to help her see and feel your love.  That is what you want more than anything, isn’t it? 

Love her.  Just simply love her.  That will make more of a difference in her life than anything else you could ever do or say.  You will be the one she knows she can depend on, lean on, when she has her bad days, as she most certainly will, even years later.  It has been fifteen and a half years since we first lost our Beloved James Isaac, exactly fifteen since we lost Panya Ruth, and right at ten years since we lost Anna Rose.  Yet I continue to have days when I wonder why life is worth living, and I desperately need my support system to gather around me and hold me up. 

Remember when God told Moses to hold up his staff over the children of Israel as they fought the Amalekites?  (Exodus 17:8-16, NLT)  Whenever Moses’ hands fell, the Israelites started to lose.  When he would raise his hands again, they would begin winning.  When Moses could no longer hold up his arms on his own, Aaron and Hur held up his arms for him:  “As long as Moses held up the staff in his hand, the Israelites had the advantage. But whenever he dropped his hand, the Amalekites gained the advantage. 12 Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset. 13 As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle.” Even the strongest among us will eventually need help.  You, Beloved, get to be that one to come to the rescue.

There is nothing you can do or say—there is nothing you could have done or said—that will (would) change the outcome of what happened with your Precious Griever.  You could not have stopped it.  You in your own power could not protect her no matter what you may think to the contrary.  So do not try to fix it now with words or actions that will only make it worse on your Precious.  Just be there.  Love her.  Give her your unwavering support and unconditional love.

And that will make all the difference in the world….


You wanted to help me --
Instead, you trapped me.
You wanted to offer words of comfort -
Instead, you backed me into a corner.
You wanted me to know that you care -
Instead, you made me afraid of you.
Fight or flight.
That’s what we do when we’re trapped,
But I could do neither.
I don’t want to hurt you in my pain,
So I continue to listen...
I continue to look away...
All the while hoping for a way of escape...
Mentally crying out, “Help!  Please help me!  Oh God, HELP ME!”
There is no miraculous rescue -
No one comes to physically free me from your entrapment -
As slowly my soul begins to cry
No tears in my eyes
No tears on my cheeks -
But the cries so intense -
The pain is now more severe for, you see,
You wounded me - reopened the unhealed wound -
when you caught me in your trap.
You only wanted to help me.
Instead you trapped me.
Instead of letting go, I’ve buried my pain
Even deeper than before -
And I wonder. . .will I ever be released from
that trap?

                                                            - Polly Anna Watson
                                                                        March 2, 2000

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Anniversaries are always difficult

Tomorrow is November 10, 2014.  Fifteen years ago tomorrow, my sweet Panya Ruth miscarried.  I have no idea, honestly, if this baby was a girl or not; all I know is what was in my heart.  I had read that it is important to name our beloveds regardless of how long they live.  I had already had a name picked out.  I had found the name Panya in a baby book; it means "little."  I had thought of that baby as "Little One" from the moment I'd found out I was pregnant, so it fit.  Besides, it sounded an awful lot like Panda and since I love pandas, it was a natural choice!  Ruth was my Grandma Kinsey's name (my paternal grandma).

I want to take off from work tomorrow and do something in honor of my Precious.  She would have been fifteen years old this year.  Wow.  I'm old enough to have a fifteen year old.  I have some friends who are my age who are already grandparents and have been grandparents for years, but since my only living son is 13-and a half, I still find it difficult to believe that I'm old enough to have a fifteen year old.

I try to imagine too much what she would be like at this age because it hurts too much, but my imagination--my mind--goes there when I least expect it.  Would she have been a girly-girl and wanted to be involved in cheerleading?  Or volleyball?  Or any sport, for that matter?  Maybe even wrestling, like Samuel?  Would she have been a tomboy?  What would be her favorite color?  Her favorite book?  Her favorite tv show?  Would she have a boyfriend?  Would she follow in her mama's footsteps and be overweight or would she be my inspiration to get healthy?  Would she and Samuel get along?  How would I feel knowing that she would be getting ready to drive?  Would she like to draw?  Write?  What would she be thinking about becoming when she grows up?  

She would be in 9th grade, right?  Would she have gone to Challenger?  

Would she like to shop--with her mom?  Would she like to go to the movies--with her mom?  Would we be close?  Would I be her mom rather than her friend?

I will never know any of the answers to my questions while here on this earth.  I may be sad over the next few days, but this is when my Lord promised to carry me--promised me that I will not have to walk this journey alone.  I will rest in Him and let Him send His comforter.  One day, I will spend eternity with ALL my babies and that is something worth being Joyful about!