Varying Expectations

A thousand years ago when I was a senior in high school, I was raked over the coals by a well-respected teacher because my boyfriend and I shared a quick peck (kiss on the lips) before separating to go to our respective classes after lunch.

I was shocked that she reprimanded me as she did. I mean, come on! The kiss barely lasted a whole second and it was just lips! To top it off, my best friend at the time had been playing tonsil-hockey with every boyfriend she'd had since I had met her in 7th grade! In all those years, I had never once heard anyone reprimand her. Why in the world was I being chastised when it had only happened once and the kiss hadn't involved tongues or body-touching in any way, shape, form, or fashion?!

My amazing teacher, Mrs. Strickland, pointed out that as a vocal Believer, I had a responsibility to keep a good reputation. And kissing my boyfriend in the hallway for the whole world to see was not going to do anything for my integrity.

I was upset with Mrs. Strickland. I could not believe that she had reprimanded me for kissing when she had never once spoken to my friend.

But I respected Mrs. Strickland greatly, so in spite of being upset with her, Ricky and I did not kiss one another in school again. 

He and I broke up after just under a year of dating and we each moved on and married other people. 

When my husband and I were first dating, we were admonished by my parents and our pastor to be careful of things like sitting in his truck alone after church. Since I was in college an hour away, it was often the only time we had together all week. So, needless to say, we were beyond frustrated that we couldn't even sit in his truck and TALK without feeling as if we were being accused of fooling around.

Personally, I was frustrated and angry at being reprimanded for something so innocent. I couldn't believe that these people did not trust me--or my then-boyfriend.

Fast forward to the past year: earlier this year, I was lectured on being over-friendly with a man who was visiting our campus. While nothing untoward had happened between the man and me, because we had joked around all day with one another and made fast friends (ok, acquaintances), some people thought that when this man and I hugged at the end of the day that something inappropriate had happened. In spite of the fact that we were in a very public place with not only my boss standing just a few feet away, but so was his girlfriend. 

I couldn't believe that I was being accused being inappropriate with so many witnesses to prove that this man and I had shared an innocent hug. Yes, I think the man is very attractive, but that doesn't mean that I would ever jeopardize my marriage or my reputation--on purpose.

It didn't matter that there were so many witnesses or that the man agreed that it was just a hug. I was chastised.

Again.

Over the course of the past few months, I have, once again, been accused of being inappropriate even though I believe that the evidence refutes it. As do many of my friends and family who know about the situation.

But once again, it's all about APPEARANCES. Many years ago, someone told me that "I may be the only Bible others see." I know that my daily walk--my behavior, actions, words, etc.--is my most important, valuable witness. It determines my reputation and my integrity. If I want the people around me to believe that I am a woman who has been anointed by God with the oil of Joy more than anyone else, then I can't just talk the talk; I also have to walk the walk.

1 Corinthians 8:9: "But you must be careful so that your freedom does not cause others with a weaker conscience to stumble."

I may believe and know that I am not doing anything "wrong"--against what God wants of me, but if someone--anyone--believes that I am, that is enough for chastisement to be necessary. My job is to be a living witness for my Lord and Savior to the very best of my ability. When I do or say something that makes anyone question my faith, then I must accept the reprimand--whether I agree with it or not.

I don't like it. Not one tiny little bit. In fact, it tears me to pieces. In recent years, I have dealt with depression and anxiety and I am currently looking at an even more serious diagnosis which means that when the chastisement comes, I do not handle it well. I am not blaming my mental illness, mind you. I am simply saying that when we look at the whole package of what makes Polly Anna the Polly Anna she currently is, I am struggling with depression, anxiety, other mental health issues, as well as a variety of health issues. The whole work together to make any [false] accusations against me that much more challenging to accept, deal with, and, ultimately, to overcome.

But my God is reminding me that it is not about me and how I feel or even my own intentions. It is about the APPEARANCE of what I have said or done that has caused at least one person to devalue my faith--my integrity--my reputation. Thus, it is important that I understand that while my words and actions were completely unintentional in regards to being inappropriate, they were received as inappropriate. I must accept my chastisement, learn from it, apologize as necessary, and change accordingly.

Numbers 15:27

“If one individual commits an unintentional sin, the guilty person must bring a one-year-old female goat for a sin offering."

I am not sure what substitutes as a "one-year-old female goat for a sin offering" in the 21st Century beyond asking God for forgiveness, but I do want to say that I have asked God for forgiveness and I am willing to whatever else it takes to demonstrate that I am truly, deeply, humbly sorry for my "unintentional sin." 

I pray that God shows me what to do and/or say to demonstrate that I do regret my actions and I will use this new chastisement as more of a learning experience than ever before. I also pray that those involved will forgive me as well.

Proverbs 3:12

"For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights."