Desperate for Encouragement

I am going to use this post to be vulnerable and share with you that I am desperate for encouragement. 

My anxiety is through the roof. 

Since God sealed my cave almost 2 years ago (see previous entries), I have found a whole new cave that I have RUN into. The darkness has surrounded me again and I am not so sure that I want to come out ever again. I know my Jesus is at the entrance to my cave calling my name in love as He watches over and protects me. I just cannot bring myself to listen and respond. 

At this moment in time, with my anxiety level so high, it FEELS that there is more comfort to be found in the darkness than in my Savior's Light.

It's just TOO hard to go on CHOOSING JOY every day, every hour of every day, every second of every day. 

I am reading scripture; I am in the Word. I am speaking the Word. I am listening to and singing worship songs. I am reading and doing Bible Studies. But I am struggling.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and I am 1 in 4.

Your Ways are not my Ways, O Lord

Your ways are not my ways, O Lord.

I understand that.  I don’t doubt Your ways.

I don’t question Your purpose for my life.

I long to do Your will and follow the

            path You have for my life.

But, I am afraid, of my past and of my future.

I try to follow Your word:

            to not worry about tomorrow

            because tomorrow will take thought

            of the things of itself

                        and to

            Trust in You with all my heart and

            not lean unto my own understanding,

            in all my ways to acknowledge You

            so that You may direct my paths.

But reality hits me like a Mac truck and

I again feel the warm, unmoving body

            of my beautiful, beloved son in my arms.

I again feel his deathly cold skin against

            my lips as I kissed him that one and only time.

I remember all the blood indicating a second loss.

I notice my empty womb when others’

            all around me are full and growing.

Does Your plan for me include such blessings?

The hurt is deep and strong,

But I promise, O Lord my God,

to continue to seek Your will

And to always trust in You.

I still desire that my life be a living testimony of You.

Even when the pain is so overwhelming that I wonder

if the wounds will ever be completely healed -

You are my King, my Lord, and my God.

                                   

                                                                        - Polly Anna Watson

                                                                                    April 15, 2000