A Beautiful Conversation with God

About a year ago, a friend of mine shared on the Facebook that she was going through a new journal called "Whispers of Mercy" and God was changing her life. As an avid journaler and someone who is always looking for new ways God is moving in the lives of others, I clicked on the link to the journal and saved it so I could hopefully purchase the journal as soon as I had the finances. It looked like something that I definitely wanted to give a try. 

The concept Holly Love King uses in "Whispers of Mercy" is fairly simple: each new entry begins with a Bible passage and a brief devotional/explanation/discussion of the verse. Then there are lines for you, the journaler, to write your conversation with God. 

You have to get quiet with God and allow the Holy Spirit to speak to you. You cannot be distracted. This is a beautiful thing. It is real. It is powerful. And, as my friend shared on Facebook, it is life-changing. Following is my conversation with God this morning. It might not make sense if you don't know my story so you might need to go back and read some previous posts. Yes, this is super private and personal, but it was also very exciting and I just feel that you might be blessed, too. Rather than typing it out, I've chosen to upload images of my original handwritten conversation. I truly hope you can read it. 

Lessons learned on my Journey to Joy Part 2

*If you haven't read Part 1, please take a few moments to peruse that entry before reading this one...

4. I have to CHOOSE Joy. Some time during my Journey to Joy, God gave me the scripture, "You love justice and hate evil. Therefore God, your God, has anointed you, pouring out the oil of joy on you more than on anyone else" (Psalm 45:7 & Hebrews 1:9, NLT). I heard Him very clearly in my spirit tell me that He was going to pour out His oil of Joy on me--more than on anyone else. It was overwhelming and incredibly humbling. In some ways, that felt like a lot of pressure, but I found myself rejoicing in His promise because I was sick and tired of being sad and depressed as well as full of anxiety and rage all the time. I didn't like myself in such a state. 

As I began studying everything I could get my hands on about JOY--specifically on CHOOSING JOY, I quickly learned that in order to know TRUE Joy, we must suffer extreme sorrow. Don't think that I'm trying to say that I'm "glad" I've gone through the horrors I've experienced. If I could have any of my babies here with me to touch, kiss, and snuggle, I would--in a fraction of a heartbeat! I'd very much love NOT to have the still painful scars on my belly. It would be wonderful not to have to have experienced anxiety to the degree that I had to take medication for it.

But I do know the truth of God's word that He will turn my sorrow--my mourning--to JOY (Esther 9:22; Isaiah 61:3; Lamentations 5:15; NLT). The only difference between God's promise in these passages and the one in Psalms and Hebrews is the promise of giving the anointing oil of joy to ME MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE. 

I found myself accepting God's promise and telling Him that I also receive His promise of pouring out His anointing oil of joy on me more than anyone else. It has not made my journey to joy easier or lighter, let me tell you. I have to continually CHOOSE to choose JOY and to remind myself of God's promise. I still have days when it's difficult to choose, but those days are growing further and further apart, Praise the Lord.

5. I cannot allow anyone's words or actions steal my JOY. I call it "pop my balloons." I have spent a lot of time over the years listening to nay-sayers and Negative Nancys and to allow their words and actions to determine my level of joy--or lack thereof, as the case typically was. 

I personally think that the biggest reason why I struggled in this area as much as I did was because I didn't like--or love--myself. I hated myself. I hated who I was. I hated who I wasn't. I hated what I had been through. I hated my husband. I hated life. I was angry with myself and with everyone around me. I was a nay-sayer, a Negative Nancy.

And I hated myself for it.

After reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts, I began keeping

my own Gratitude list--just like Ann's. I started in a little red moleskin journal that I kept in my purse. I came to a place at work where I realized that my co-workers and I were spending an awful lot of time complaining, so I made the decision that for every complaint I made, I had to give them 5 positives. That first day, I had to do 20 positives! It got much easier after that, but once I got started, I found that I enjoyed writing about things that gave me JOY--that I was grateful for. So I continued the list--writing 5 things that I was grateful for--for the next several months. I posted them daily online--Facebook.

I gradually moved to naming just one thing that brings me JOY each and every day. I keep the list on Facebook as well as write each entry in a special journal my mom gave me for Christmas. The more I focus on what brings me JOY--what I'm grateful for, the less the nay-sayers and Negative Nancys affect me--pop my balloons!

Every once in a while, one will come along, armed and ready and pop a balloon or two before I realize he/she is even there, but the more I see what God is doing in my life--where He has brought me and what He has brought me out of, the more I am able to move my balloons out of harm's way!!

Lessons Learned on my Journey to Joy Part 1

One of the awesome suggestions Michele Weldon makes in her awesome book Writing to Save Your Life: How to Honor Your Story Through Journaling is to write down lessons I've learned throughout my journey to healing, or in her words "to save my life." So here are a few of the lessons I've learned on my Journey to Joy. Note carefully that this is just a first run-through!!! ;)

1. No one can heal me but ME--and God. I can remember thinking to myself that it sure would be wonderful if someone would come along and just tell me EXACTLY what I needed to do in order to begin healing and moving away from the sadness, depression, anxiety, rage, etc. I even asked my counselor after I had been with her for a while why she never admitted me to the hospital. She told me that she had seriously considered it, but they only admit patients who specifically request it! Believe you me, if I had known that early on, I would have requested it. I desperately wanted my husband to notice how very bad things were for me and DO something--ANYTHING--to help me. 

Coming out on the other side of this journey, I see that I had needed to tell my counselor AND my husband as well as others around me that I needed help, but I wanted them to recognize that I needed help without having to be told.

Crazy, mixed-up mess, right? Yes, it was as horrible a vicious cycle

as you imagine it to be.

The truth is that even if someone had tried to help me as I so desperately wanted, I would have fought him/her tooth and nail. I would have declared that there wasn't anything wrong and laughed it off. But I was in such a desperate state that yes, I did consider the "S-word"--once, I was driving onto campus and realized that I was speeding up as I headed straight for a light pole. 

I can only Praise the Lord that He had His angels protecting me and that when the time came, with His help, I did ask for and get the help I needed.

2. It really is ok to say that I am NOT ok and to ask for help. As a pastor's wife and someone who has been a Christian the vast majority of her life, I felt an obligation to BE "on"--to be Strong in spite of the fact that I was dying by slow degrees. I was supposed to be the support for others, not the other way around. 

There was this one day when I was having a BAD day to end all bad days. As we trooped in for a faculty meeting at the end of this long, no-good, horrible, bad day, all I could do was complain. I complained about my students. I complained about not having enough time. I complained about having to grade so many assignments. I complained about.....I was grumpy and I sounded, looked, and acted grumpy. No matter what was said during the meeting, I had a negative comment that I refused to keep to myself. 

Once the meeting was over, I took my time gathering my things together to leave. Within a few short moments, I was left alone in the room with my boss' wife. She moved to stand beside me, laid her hand on my shoulder, and gently and quietly asked me, "Polly, what's really going on?"

And the floodgates opened. I bawled. I sobbed. I snotted. I even screamed quite a bit. It had only been a few short months since we'd lost our precious James Isaac and I had been filling my days with busy-ness in an attempt to deal with my grief. All it took was one gentle word from a loving friend to help start me on a different path.

It was a start. Unfortunately, the path I started on that day took a lot of side treks as well as did a lot of backtracking over the next 10+ years. But I will always remember Mrs. Gruver being so perceptive of my true heart that horrible afternoon. 

Not everyone is as perceptive, though, so it is vitally important that we tell others that we're NOT ok when we're really NOT ok.

3. Directly from #2, I have also learned to lean on and trust my friends, family, and loved ones. I especially have learned to trust that they will love me no matter what--unconditionally. Yes, there was a fear in me that if I wasn't the strong Christian woman I expected myself to be that the people around me would love and respect me less. 

Oh, how easily we allow ourselves to believe and justify the lies of the enemy!!!

I have always been one who believes and lives the adage that honesty is the best policy. For most of my life, I have been completely unable to lie. I have "tells" when I lie and they're pretty obvious. I became a Master, though, at convincing everyone around me--except those most perceptive like Mrs. Gruver--that I was just fine when, in reality, I was a quivering, pathetic mess. All I wanted was for everyone to love me. And I honestly believed that if I didn't hold myself together, no one would love--or respect--me anymore. 

Once I realized the lies of such thinking, it has been proven time and again how very much my friends, family, and loved ones actually do love me--unconditionally. And let me just say, it feels GOOD to be so loved!!!!

*To be continued.....

God is up to SOMETHING!

There are no words in the English language to fully describe or explain what has been going on in my life in recent weeks--months.  God is doing SOMETHING in me, in my life, and in the lives of those around me.  Freedom is the first word that comes to mind--as in, "My chains are GONE....I've been SET FREE!!!"  I've sung that song for years now and felt the Holy Ghost move every time I sing it, but now when I sing it, I also experience the FREEDOM the song is all about!  Wow.  

My marriage is on its way to FULL restoration.  My husband and I have reconnected (don't make me explain what that means).  I actually LIKE seeing him and being in the same room with him again.  I anxiously await his homecoming every day!  I WANT to call him every day or hear from him!  I can't wait to see him so I can share my day with him--my thoughts, my feelings, my hopes and dreams!  It has been YEARS since I even wanted to be in the same room with him.  I have hated my husband for a long time now.  I blamed him for so much of what has happened to us.  I am here to tell you that only God can take the negative emotions I've had towards my husband and turn them around.  And God has done it!

Remember my deep, dark, horrible, scary cave?  Remember the prophecy spoken over me a few short months ago??  See blog entry, "Word from the Holy Spirit."  Guess what?  Over the weekend, the Lord showed me that HE HAS ROLLED A GIANT STONE OVER THE ENTRANCE TO MY CAVE--AND HE HAS SEALED IT!!!!  Can you see me doing the Dance of Joy outside my cave????

I received that prophecy and God has brought it to fruition!  Just because it doesn't happen immediately does NOT mean that God has forgotten or that what He has promised won't be fulfilled.  Remember that Joseph spent YEARS waiting for God to fulfill His Promise to make him (Joseph) a leader/ruler.  And Abraham and Sarah waited something like 50 years for God to fulfill His promise to them [of a son of their union so they would have descendants to number the stars].  God has been working on healing me from the inside out for YEARS.  And just because this particular promise has been fulfilled, that does not mean that He is finished with me. 

My friends are telling me that God is moving in their lives, too!  One tells me that she is happier than she has been in recent years and others have noticed to the point of commenting on how happy she has been lately.  Another tells me that her spouse has found his own personal "prayer closet."  Another tells me that she is able to put her family and home situation in God's hands in spite of the fact that she is in the midst of severe trials!  And more and more stories of God's amazing work are coming in!

He is still working.  I'm a little nervous about what He is doing but only because it is always nerve-wracking dealing with the unknown.  I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I trust Him to finish His work in me.  He's promised--His word says that "God, who began the good work within [me], will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6  

I have been trying to figure out exactly what has helped bring about this 180 transformation in my life--what I have done to open the door so God could actually move and complete His work because, you know, it is important that we ourselves get out of His way.  Otherwise, we as much as say we don't want what He has for us.  Anyway, I have not come up with any one thing, but here is what I think has helped lead to my opening the window of my heart--and soul--to Him and what He is doing and wants to do in my life:

1.  My study on JOY.  I started my study on JOY in 2009 when I first bought a beautiful purple date book with JOY etched on the cover in wonderful calligraphy.  Since then, I have read and studied everything I can get my hands one regarding JOY and the study isn't over yet.  I keep a list of all the verses in the Bible on JOY and I refer to it quite often.  As part of that, God gave me the verse, "You love justice and hate evil. Therefore God, your God, has anointed you, pouring out the oil of joy on you more than on anyone else." (Psalm 45:7 & Hebrews 1:9)  I received it and claimed it as my own.  Many of my friends will tell you truthfully that God HAS anointed me and poured out His oil of JOY on me more than on anyone else!

2.  I have also done several other Bible studies, mostly word studies:  "Stand," "armor of God," "save/rescue/fight for," "strong," and "light."  Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts has also had a huge impact as I have studied "gratitude" from the perspective of eucharisteo.  I have even been keeping my own gratitude journal for over a year now and I continue to find amazing miracles in my life to be thankful for!

3.  My Prayer Warriors.  I don't think there will ever be a way to know for sure exactly who or how many people have been praying for me--and my family--over the years.  I do know that they have been praying.  Every so often, one of my Precious Prayer Warriors would send me a message just to let me know he/she was thinking of me and praying for me.  (Guys, if God puts someone on your heart, listen and pray and then let that person know.  OK?)  Those words of comfort and encouragement have meant more to me than words can express.

4.  A refusal to give up.  I may have sat on a rock in my cave for a long time, scared, alone, and ready to give up, but after a while, I did get up and start moving--looking for the light--God's light.  And Hallelujah, I found it!  In spite of the fact that I am bruised, broken, battered, torn, and even beaten down, I'm STILL STANDING IN THE LIGHT OF GOD and HE HAS RESCUED ME--He fought for me--He held me up and carried me when I couldn't take another step--He has held my hand when I needed guidance.  And here I am, out of my cave, free, and FULL of the JOY of the Lord!  "The joy of the Lord is my strength!"  (Nehemiah 8:10)  Here's a wonderful version of the song!

5.  Going back to church.  Yes, I stayed out of church for about a year.  Yes, my husband is the pastor and he continued to be the pastor even while I was not going.  Yes, I had my son to think about, but he just started getting up and going with his dad.  But one day, I just went.  And I have been back ever since.  I have found a renewed joy and purpose in being a part of my church as the Pastor's Wife.  Of course our "flock" has welcomed me back into the fold with open and loving arms.  

6.  Daily Bible Reading.  I got back into reading my Bible on a daily basis.  I started a Bible plan to read the Bible in a year two years ago, but when we went to Disney in August of that year, I allowed myself to get behind and I never caught up.  Then last year, I finished the year having read my Bible from cover to cover!  And this year, I'm doing it again!  

7.  Music, worship.  I claimed "It is Well" (this link is only one of the many amazing versions available) as my life-song and I listened to it, sang it, worshipped with it at every possible opportunity.  I have even learned to play it on the piano.  I even read the background story on the writing of the song and that was powerful and moving.  If you don't know how Horatio Spafford came up with the lyrics to this wonderful song, I highly recommend that you read the story.  I simply began worshipping the Lord with my sacrifice of praise.  In spite of the fact that I didn't FEEL like worshipping, I worshipped anyway.  I truly learned what it means to bring to Him a sacrifice of Praise and in Praising Him through my hurt and pain, He met me where I was!!!  (Shari Easter's "Praise His Name.")

8.  Counseling.  This was vital.  Huge.  When we can't fight the fight or walk the walk on our own, it is VITALLY IMPORTANT to get professional help.  My counseling team has been CRUCIAL to my healing process.  I could not have moved forward without any of them over the past several years.  Of course, my own personal counselor who I've been with for about 10 years now has been my ROCK.  I praise God for using her in each and every session.  I ALWAYS left each and every session uplifted and able to see just a little more light than previously.

9.  Writing.  Journaling.  Going through Mari McCarthy's Peace of Mind and Body and other journaling journeys.  Because of Mari's influence, I also began writing (journaling) again every single day.  I have now written a rough draft of my memoir that I hope to finish this year--as you know if you have been reading this blog since its conception back in September 2014.  

10.  Simply--focusing on God.  I quit focusing on what was bothering me--what was hurting me and causing me anxiety.  I began to look to Him in all things.  I had to go away for a time to regroup and reconnect with Him because it was all just TOO much.  When I couldn't find anywhere on my own to go, I called Focus on the Family.  The counselor there directed me to Fairhaven.  I called and was told they were all booked up.  Then just before we hung up, the receptionist called out, "Wait!  I do have something!"  I was honest and told her that I had no money to pay for my visit.  She said, "Don't worry about that.  Just come on."  So I did.  God met me there and began the work in me that He is doing now!!  I even had the honor of participating in a video they did for a tv spot!  Polly

And now I am just STANDING back and watching Him work!  He removed someone who was a living, breathing enemy!  He has restored my marriage--and he's still working on it!!!  He has given me PEACE that passes ALL understanding!  He has broken my CHAINS--I am FREE!!!  I WANT to do things again--clean, go shopping, hang out with friends, go to social functions, LIVE!!!  He has restored my LAUGHTER that comes from deep in my soul and pours forth with no effort!!!

There is an old song from a play my uncle, brother, sister, and I were in way back in the late 1980s, Down by the Creekbank by Dottie Rambo:  "Is there Anything I Can Do For You?"  It was MY song.  I don't think I got to sing it, but I loved it.  I at least sang it at home all the time and I have learned to play it on the piano--well, I used to be able to play it!  Anyway, I bring it up because I offer these words to my Lord and Savior from the depths of my being....

"Is there anything I can BE for You?  Is there anything I can DO for You?  Is there anywhere I can Go for You?  I'm willing to be used by You, Dear Lord.  For all the things You've done for me, is there anything I can do/be/anywhere I can go?"

(That's me in the yellow coveralls!)