When the Music Begins

"Why are you so eager to die?"--writing prompt (following is what came from this prompt)**Revised**

When the Music Begins

        Frustrated, she screamed and swiped the papers, pens, pencils, knick-knacks, snacks, and drinks off the top of the piano. She repeatedly banged her head on the piano top, screaming incoherently through each pounding. The tears flowed freely. She was powerless to stop her temper tantrum, as she called it; others might have called it an anxiety attack or something more meaningful. She hated herself for her lack of control and inability to change anything, for her weakness.

        As if from out of a tunnel, soft moans of “Mom,” “Mo-o-om,” called her back to consciousness. Taking a quick moment to straighten her clothes and then rushing into the bathroom to splash some cold water on her face, she plastered on her biggest mommy-is-just-fine smile and went in to her son’s room. She fought the catch in her spirit as she looked once again on his too-tiny-for-his-age body. Choking back the sobs, she sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her Precious into her arms.

        He sighed contentedly as he relaxed into her, his head on her breast, feeling the solid beating of her heart telling him that it beat for him. “Mom?” he coughed.

        She couldn’t stop the tears, but she could control her voice, “Yes, Sugar-Bear?” She ran her fingers through his hair, snuggling him closer and murmuring soft words of comfort.

        “Why were you screaming?”

        “What?” she was horrified that he had heard her. She had been so wrapped up in her own emotions, she had forgotten how thin the walls were.

        “You have to finish it, Mom,” he croaked.

        “No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. . . .”

She wondered “Why are you so eager to die?”

She knew, deep in her very soul, that finishing the song meant his death. There was something un-namable, something un-identifiable about the connection between her writing this song and her son’s life.

        As long as she didn’t finish the song. . . she refused to finish the thought as she rocked her baby back and forth and her arms, still repeating, “No. No. No. No. No. . . .”

        He hugged her back, whispering, “It’s ok, Mom. It’s ok. Yes. It’s ok. It’s ok.”

         She soon felt his little body go slack in her arms. As she tucked him back in for the night, her tears continued flowing steadily. She leaned over to kiss his adorable, somehow-still-plump cheek and noticed a piece of paper clutched in his hand. She gently unfurled his fingers and smoothed out the wrinkles the best she could.

        Her hand flew to her mouth to stifle her cries even as her mind registered the words written in her son’s baby scribble, “Lord, please tell Mommy that You’ve got this. Jesus, please hold Mommy tight in Your arms as You are already holding me. Tell her it’s ok, Jesus. It’s ok. . . .”

        She crumpled to the floor, grabbed the extra blanket on the bottom of her son’s bed, stifling her sobs. She rocked back and forth, staring at the words on the paper until she could no longer see through her tears.

        After a long time, she gently sat on the edge of the bed and took his slight hand in hers. She kissed each miniscule finger and then held his hand against her cheek as she memorized every inch of her pint-sized Precious.

        Resolved, she quietly stole out of the room and went straight to her piano. She didn’t bother with all the paper and pens. Her heart knew the notes.

        As the angelic music filled the tiny apartment, he smiled in his sleep and dreamed of arms opening wide to welcome him home. . . .

Let's each Sing our own Song

Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist: "The world will tell you how to live, if you let it. Don't let it. Take up your space. Raise your voice. Sing your song. This is your chance to make or remake a life that thrills you" (104).

Why is it that sometimes we need "permission" to live our lives as WE see fit rather than as everyone else sees fit?! My counselor has been telling me for years that I have to make my own life; I have to do what I need to do for Polly and quit worrying about whether or not what I do pleases anyone other than Polly--and God. (I feel that God's approval goes without saying, but sometimes I need to be sure I clarify that because without Him, I am nothing.) 

Part of what added to Shauna's anxiety, as she describes in her book, was her attempt at living to please everyone but herself--what SHE wanted in life. She told herself, or as I see it--she allowed herself to believe lies from the enemy, that if it was something that came available, God must have opened the door, so it was her responsibility to walk through it--every time.

I can relate!!! 

You????

I've been offered a job that I know I'd love, but yet I'm very happy and fulfilled where I am. Well, it must be from God, so I'd better quit where I am and accept the new job....right?!

Isn't that how we tend to think??? It's one way we have always felt the Lord telling us what He wants us to do, isn't it? I know it has been for me--many times in the past. Thankfully, most of the time the doors that have opened that I've walked through have been the "right" doors for me at those times of my life, but there have been a few times when I felt that just because such-and-such opportunity arose that it must be from God. Maybe it was, but that didn't necessarily mean I HAD to accept. 

For example, when my husband and I first moved to Missouri, I applied for jobs EVERYWHERE. The only type of job I could get, though--even though I already had my BS in English Education and was almost finished with my MA--was as an administrative assistant. I took what I was able to get and learned a lot from the jobs I had, especially about computers. But my heart was in teaching, so I continued to try to get a job as a teacher throughout the time we lived in Missouri. Then, within a week after making the decision to move back to North Carolina, I received a call from the college my husband was attending, asking me if I still wanted a position with them. As honored as I was that they finally called me, I knew in my heart-of-hearts, deep down in my soul that moving back to North Carolina was the best choice for my husband and me.

It was difficult, but I turned down the job offer.

I believe that God allows opportunities to open up for us, but He leaves it up to us as to whether or not we accept/receive it. I don't believe it's disobedience to Him and what He has for us if we go in a different direction. My God is a God of free will. He wants us to CHOOSE Him above ALL. When we choose one door over another, He honors us for our decision because we took the time to seek Him and because we work as unto Him and not for ourselves. 

Yes, sometimes we realize that we made a mistake, but most of the time, I believe that God simply wants us to do the thing that He has placed in our hearts to do. He wants us to SING OUR SONG. He wants ME to sing MY OWN song. My song is probably different from your song. That doesn't mean we can't both sing our songs. It simply means that both CHOOSING to SING!!!

I LOVE to sing even though I may not have a voice others want to

listen to. I read a book once that talked about how we don't want to come to the end of our lives with our song still in our hearts. So even if your song is different from my song, let's join our voices in song and God Himself will take care of the harmony!!!!

I DARE you to DO the THING that God has called you to do!!!

God rejoices over ME with Singing!

Did you KNOW that God loves you so very much that "He will rejoice over you with joyful songs"?!  We all know that "God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life" (John 3:16) and we believe it.  It is the verse that draws us when we first accept Him as our Lord and Savior.

Over the years, though, I have found myself saying the words of John 3:16 from rote/memory rather than from my heart.  I believe them in head; I know them like the back of my hand, but sadly, they no longer have the power to stir my heart and soul as they did in the early years of my life as a Christian.  I can't help but wonder if I am not the only one.....

As I have been reading my Bible and studying JOY over the past few years, Zephaniah 3:17 has become a verse that has hit my heart in the same way that John 3:16 did when I first accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior.  I needed this verse and the Lord showed it to me at just the right time.

It's powerful knowing that God loved me so much--even though I hadn't even been born, let alone thought of yet--that He sent His only Son to die a horrific death just so I could live eternally with Him in Eternity.  But now that years have gone by and I have suffered and struggled and dealt with deep depression, it is powerful to be reminded that He loves me so much that "He takes delight in me with gladness" and "He will rejoice over me with joyful songs"!  

Do you get that?!  Do you realize that means that God Himself sings for JOY when He sees me?  When He thinks of me??  

Wow.  

I listen a lot to Dr. Gary Smalley.  Many years ago, I watched his video on Hidden Keys to Love where he talks about Honor.  He brings out a Stradivarius violin and the whole audience gasps in awe.  He goes on to talk about that is how we should be when our Beloved (our loved ones) walk into a room.  I've always remembered that and I've always loved it when someone gets excited that I walked into a room.  It doesn't happen very often, but I admit that the few times that it has happened have been pretty awesome.

Do you GET that God gasps in awe EVERY single time He thinks of you?!  So much so that He even SINGS JOYFUL Songs as He rejoices over you?!  Hahahaha!!!  That is SO cool!!!  God doesn't sing about my sadness, depression, failures, sorrows, pains, ugliness, or even my anger.  He simply sings JOYFUL songs over me!!!!  

That makes me smile!  It makes me laugh!  It makes me want to sing right back to Him with love and Joy!  Someone loves me so much that He sings with Joy over me!  

Have you ever felt the joy of seeing someone you love only to met with a feeling that the loved one is not as happy to see you as you are to see him/her?  It's a horrible feeling.  It only takes once or twice before we no longer want to be around that loved one any longer and only once or twice more before we find excuses not to have to be around that no-longer-loved-one any longer.

But when our loved ones receive us with a smile on their faces and obvious joy, we reciprocate!  We know we are loved and we love in return--fully and completely!  It is difficult, if not impossible, to love someone who doesn't APPEAR to love us in return.

God is ALWAYS filled with JOY when we come into His presence....when we spend time with Him!  We can ALWAYS run to Him knowing that He will receive us with open arms full of love and JOY!  Best of all, He loves me so much, He sings with JOY over me!

Hallelujah!  JUMOY!!!  (Jump for JOY!)