Just-ing When we Pray

Recently, when my husband was praying, I noticed that he used the word "just" an awful lot during his prayer. I know. I know. I should have been paying more attention to his actual prayer than how many times he was using one word. *sigh* Don't tell me you haven't focused on one thing or looked around during prayers, too. You know you have. ;) It doesn't mean we're not Christians or that we're bad Christians, I don't think. It just means that our minds wander sometimes. The important thing is that we re-focus as soon as we can.
Anyway. So I noticed that he said the word "just" a lot while he was praying. Then later during that same church service when someone else prayed, I noticed that she used the word "just" a lot. When I prayed during Sunday School, I used the word "just" a lot! When someone else closed our Sunday School class out in prayer, she used the word "just" a lot! And when my husband prayed during the actual service itself, he did it again!

Now, I didn't count how many times any of the people who prayed that day used the word "just" in his/her prayers; I simply noticed that it kept popping up. It's like when you buy a new car and all of a sudden it seems like everyone else on the road is driving the same car you are. Know what I mean? Once I noticed it, I couldn't stop noticing it!

And once I started noticing it, I began to wonder why do we do that? Why do we use the word "just" so much when we pray? Why are we "just-ing" so often?

Do we do it because we're just trying to be humble as we pray? It's one theory. It's plausible. It makes sense. It's possible. "Lord, I come to You this morning, just praying that You will hear me as I just lay my burdens before You . . . ." You know, humble. Humility. Many of us are trying to demonstrate to the Lord that we're wanting to be humble before Him because the Bible tells us to be humble before Him: "So humble yourselves before God" (James 4:7, NLT).

We want to do what the Bible says, right? We're just being obedient to His Word when we pray so humbly, "just-ing" throughout our prayers with humility. It's honorable. It's good. God will hear our prayers and answer, with the answer we desire, because we're so humble. We're doing it--we're praying--correctly.

Right?

Well . . . it is true that we are supposed to humble ourselves before the Lord, but it's also true that we are to come boldly before Him: "Because of Christ and our faith in him, we can now come boldly and confidently into God’s presence" (Ephesians 3:12, NLT). So if we take just one verse of the Bible that tells us to be humble before the Lord, we completely miss this second verse that tells us to come boldly and confidently into His presence.

Hmmmmm . . .

So maybe all our "just-ing" in our praying, if we're doing it as an act of humility, is problematic because God wants us to be humble, yes, but He also wants us to come into His presence confidently and boldly. Praying and worshiping are two ways we enter into His presence. Humility, then, needs to be saved for another time during our service to the Lord. A different type of worship to Him. When we are praying to the Lord for the salvation of our loved ones, especially our prodigals, instead of saying, "Lord, I just come to You and ask that You just help my son see His need for You. He just doesn't understand how much He needs You anymore. I just don't know what to do. I just ask You to intervene in His life and woo Him back to You," I should be bold and confident in my prayer and leave out my "just-ing": "Lord, I come to You and ask that You help my son see His need for You. He doesn't understand how much He needs You anymore. I don't know what to do. I ask You to intervene in His life and woo Him back to You." Do you see and hear the difference?! Do you hear the boldness? The confidence?!'Wait a minute,' some of you might be saying, 'I don't say "just" in my prayers because I'm doing it as an act of humility. That's not it at all. You're way off base, Polly Anna. So there.'

I hear ya. And I may be way off base with my second theory. If I am, I'd love to hear other theories for why we say "just" so often in our prayers--if you do it, that is!

Maybe you say the word "just" a lot when you pray because you grew up hearing it a lot in the prayers of the people around you. Monkey hear, monkey do. You learned it. Including the word "just" in your prayers doesn't mean anything at all; you just do it because you've always heard other people say it in their prayers, so you've always said it, too. It was as natural to you to include in your prayers as breathing. It just is what it is. No meaning. No big grand something to break down and look into. You just say the word "just" a lot when you pray. It's nothing to make a big deal about. No one is "just-ing" anything. It just is.

And that's ok. I'm not judging. It's like people who have other tics in their language and say the same word over and over and over like the word "like" that a friend of mine says a lot. Or like the phrase "and that" that my dad says a lot, especially when he's telling a story or gets nervous or is talking in front of a group. I know I have them, too. I over-use the word "so" when I write. In revisions, it's one of the first things I have to go through and delete.

When it comes to "just-ing" in our prayers, I'm simply making an observation that a lot of Christians tend to say the word "just" a lot while praying. I find it fascinating and interesting. If I, personally, am doing it as an act of humility, I plan on changing that and going boldly and confidently to the throne of grace and quit "just-ing." If I'm doing it because it was learned, automatic, I actually want to be more conscious of it. For me, it means that I'm not aware of what I'm praying, from my perspective, as I want, or choose, to be.

I just want to be more aware and focused on what I am saying when I pray and to whom I am praying.

What do you think about "just-ing" in your prayers?

All I did was remove the word "just" from the prayer!!!!

Smile

Do you smile? A lot?
Never?
When you see someone looking at you? Even a stranger?
All the time?
Only when you're in public? 
Only when there is something worth smiling about?

Growing up, my mom was always telling me to Smile. I'd get up to do a performance of some sort (piano recitals, VBS presentations of what we'd learned throughout the week, church choir, church plays, various school activities, the list is endless) and mom would be in the audience smiling her huge smile. If I wasn't smiling, she'd make a smile motion with her finger to her mouth and I'd automatically smile.

Whether I want to smile or not, smiling is officially a huge part of who I am. I smile ALL the time. I almost got in a fight once when I was in high school because I was smiling. We were practicing for our band competition and the band director had us lined up across from one another. I was smiling at everyone on the opposite side of me when this one girl who I didn't know angrily asked me, "What are you smiling at?!" I grinned even wider and told her that I was just smiling! She took a step out of line towards me, but a friend standing close to me told the girl that I always smiled [like a goofball--I can't remember if he added that part or if I've added it to my memory ;)]. Needless to say, I'm pretty sure he saved my life. I have NO fighting skills, so she'd have beaten me to a pulp if she had decided to follow through!!

That experience didn't stop me from smiling one bit. It was too deeply ingrained in me by then. 

I might have smiled early on because my mom "made" me, but as the years went by, I smiled because I wanted to. I loved to smile and I certainly loved to laugh....a lot.

There have even been times when I've walked into my classroom and my students have said, "Toldja!" When I've asked what was up, I was told that they had bet one another on whether or not I would walk in with a smile on my face. I had no idea at the time that others noticed my smile--whether I smiled or not or even how often I smiled--or not. It was reassuring, I admit, to learn that when I was in public, I was always smiling.

Smiling has been one of my greatest blessings; I am truly thankful to my wonderful mom for making it so much a vital part of who I am.

I am sad to say, though, that smiling has also been my greatest curse. Since the first onset of my depression while my husband and I were living in Missouri, I have used my smile to hide behind--as a mask to cover up my sadness and deepest sorrows and anxieties. I have pretended that all is well when in reality I was not only battling depression, but I was also battling a desire to just die. I had come to hate my life in such a huge way. I had NO real friends while we lived in Missouri and I was simply miserable. I was so excited when we finally moved home; I just knew that my depression would end and I could quit pretending that all was well. I was out of "Misery" (my mom and I had started calling Missouri that) and I was back home with family and friends.

Then we learned that I was going to have a baby and my smile grew bigger, wider, and much more pronounced. I had thought that I smiled huge before that, but being pregnant was the greatest desire of my life and I was more JOYFUL than I'd ever thought it was possible to be. You couldn't wipe the smile off my face even while I was throwing up! And I threw up every single day of that pregnancy--until it was abruptly over.

James Isaac was stillborn on March 17, 1999. That is the day my smile died, as well. 

It is the day when the mask came back up and was permanently glued to my face. My smile was for the benefit of others. They grieved for me and hurt for me and I wanted to reassure them that I was ok--or that I would be ok--even though I wanted to be in the ground with my baby. 

I smiled because I didn't know what else to do. I smiled to reassure others. I smiled because it was too deeply a part of me not to. I smiled because I wanted to prove that I was strong--not only in body, but especially in my faith. I smiled. But I smiled only with my mouth. I have no idea if others noticed that I didn't smile with my whole being as I had done before. I've never asked because I hoped with every fiber of my being that my smile was good enough to make them feel better so they wouldn't worry about me...even though they should have been worried.

Over the next ten years, at least, my smile was plastered on, but it was fake--a mask--hiding severe depression, anxiety, and grief. I have recently learned that PTSD doesn't apply just to those in the military. I clearly was suffering from PTSD, but I pretended that I was the PollyAnna everyone expected me to be. I smiled because I was determined to be happy in spite of my pain and suffering, in spite of my grief. I smiled because I had read somewhere that some things we must do as a way of "faking it 'til we make it." Deep down, I hoped that if I kept smiling even though I didn't feel the smile that one day the mask would come unglued and my smile would be genuine--it would be the real me.

In a way, that was true. I smiled until my cheeks and my neck hurt. And one day, I realized that in order for my mask to be removed--for my smile to be real again, I would have to make A CHOICE to change. I would not become happy again just because I smiled until it happened. I would only become happy again when I CHOSE to make it happen. 

It was during that time that I discovered that I didn't want to just be happy, I wanted to be JOYFUL, full of the JOY of the Lord. That was when the Lord gave me the verse, "You love justice and hate

evil. Therefore God, your God, has anointed you, pouring out the oil of joy on you more than on anyone else" (Psalm 45:7 & Hebrews 1:9, NLT). I wept as I understood that God wanted to restore my JOY. But not only did He want to restore my Joy, but He wanted to anoint me with the oil of joy--more than anyone else.

I began studying everything I could about JOY, starting with every single verse in the Bible that mentions JOY--in every translation and in every definition of JOY. I began memorizing JOY verses and looking for JOY in everything around me.

My mask--my fake smile--did not come off quickly or easily. As I said, it was glued on. It came off in small pieces--slowly--one at a time. I would argue that there are still small pieces that refuse to come unstuck, but the wonderfulness of God is that my smile is real again--genuine. When I smile now, it's because I have the JOY of the Lord deep down in my heart and soul. He truly has anointed me with the oil of joy more than anyone else I know.

I do not take His gift lightly. So when I smile at you, know that I smile from a place of JOY. My smile is just one way I have of demonstrating that God has removed my depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and the painful mask I wore for so long.

And all I can do now is Praise Him with my Smile!

Even if He doesn't...

Daniel 3:18

But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.”

It recently struck me as quite powerful the opening clause to Daniel 3:18: "But even if he doesn't....." Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego had two options: 1. bow to the golden idol King Nebuchadnezzar had made or 2. be thrown into a fiery furnace and die a horrific death. I am not so sure in their situation or even similar circumstances that I would be able to refuse to bow down to an idol with my only option for not doing so is what I consider one of the worst possible ways to die. ("Some say fire...some say ice..."--yeah, ice--for me, please.)

Even with those two options facing them, the 3 men stood firm in their faith and belief in their God. They even had the audacity to tell King Nebuchadnezzar that "even if" their God did not save them from the fiery furnace, the "will NEVER serve [his] gods or worship the gold statue [he had] set up." Do you get the picture here? These three lowly men told the KING, emphatically, "NO!" Say what?! They DARED to refuse the KING himself?!

Yep. And in doing so, they made a conscious choice to die by fire. I don't know how much you know or how much you have thought about death by fire, but based on my knowledge and understanding, those who die by fire die VERY slowly and feel every bit of the horrific pain of the fire as it SLOWLY consumes them.

I cry and moan in pain when I burn my finger on the stove! I don't even want to begin to imagine what it must be like to die such a slow and horrific death as that.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego believed that God would save them, "BUT EVEN IF HE DID NOT," they would not do the awful, terrible thing King Nebuchadnezzar ORDERED them to do. Wow. That is TRUE faith.

Even if God did not save them from a death more horrific than any death I can imagine (ok, I can imagine other horrific deaths, but fire is definitely at the top of the list), they refused to bow down. Even if God allowed them to burn slowly, painfully, they refused to bow down. Even if God did not show up, they refused to bow down. Even if....

Wow.

It makes me wonder if my own faith is that strong.

Would I have quit taking the pill "even if" I had known what was going to happen with my first pregnancy?

Would I have accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior all those many years ago "even if" I had known what my future held?

Would I have purposely chosen to be a pastor's wife "even if" I had known back then all that came with such a responsibility?

I am not sure that I can 100% that I would have stood firm in my salvation throughout my younger years if I had known what was coming in my future. I can not say that I would have jumped blindly into what I believed with every fiber of my being that God wanted of me "even if" I had known that one day I would lose an ovary and part of my fallopian tube while 20 weeks pregnant...that I would have a stillbirth...a miscarriage....a difficult pregnancy with a live birth....another miscarriage....a life and death situation with two life-saving surgeries....more female problems that resulted in completely destroying any dream I may still have had regarding having more children...."even if" I had known that my husband and I would go through a period of time where I honestly and truly hated him...."even if" I had known that I would struggle at various points in my life to hold down a job..."even if" I had known that I would lose a number of close friends over the years.....

Proverbs 24:10 says that if I faint in the day of adversity, my strength (faith) is small (KJV). Is my strength small because I am not so sure that I can say, as these 3 men did, "even if God doesn't"? Based on what the Bible says, yes, my strength is small.

But do you know what?! My Bible also says that when I am weak--when I have no strength--that My Jesus IS my strength--when I am weak, He IS STRONG:

Isaiah 40:29, "He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless."

1 Corinthians 4:10, "Our dedication to Christ makes us look like fools, but you claim to be so wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are so powerful! You are honored, but we are ridiculed."

2 Corinthians 12:9, "Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me."

2 Corinthians 12:10, "That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Ain't our God GOOD?! Thank You, Lord, that when I am WEAK, YOU ARE STRONG! Help me, Lord, be able to live out "but even if he doesn't" in my everyday walk with You.

Since I first posted this blog entry, two songs have come to my attention that fit this theme perfectly. Enjoy.

"Even If" by MercyMe

"Thy Will be Done" by Hillary Scott & the Scott Family

My Beloved Little One, Panya Ruth

When I first learned that I was pregnant, six months after James Isaac's stillbirth, I already had names picked out. Even so, from the very first, I began calling him/her "Little One." I wrote in my journal every day of my short pregnancy, always referring to him/her as my Little One. I had found the name "Panya" in a baby name book. I loved that it was so close to panda and then when I read that it meant "little," the name was sealed--at least if we were having a girl, that was. After losing James Isaac, I was almost desperate for my Little One to be safe.

Seventeen years ago today, I spent the day bleeding--knowing in my heart-of-hearts what that meant. I remember using the bathroom late Sunday evening and noticing some blood, but convincing myself that it was just hemorrhoids. Then on Wednesday, November 10, just before school started, there was more blood. We had chapel that day; I sat in the back as far away from everyone that I could get but still be in the actual chapel with my students and cried as I begged and pleaded and bargained with God to make what I feared NOT true. 

By the end of my school day, I knew that I was in the process of miscarrying. I had no idea what to do. No one ever prepares us for THIS. None of the baby books, tv shows, or conversations had told me what the protocol was when bleeding so early in a pregnancy. I was unprepared and scared out of my mind.

When my husband and I were both home from school later that afternoon, I told him what was going on. Since it was a Wednesday, he was focused on church--he's a pastor, you know. We agreed that it would be better for me to stay home. We had attempted to call my doctor's office but had not been given any definitive answer concerning what we should do. 

The bleeding had grown steadily worse throughout the day and into the evening. I was bleeding through pads almost faster than I could change them. I called my husband at church and told him that I needed him to come home; he sent one of our church folks over with some heavy-duty pads.

We ended up at the emergency room where it was confirmed that I was miscarrying. It was determined that a D&C was the best option. 

I remember waking up crying--sobbing--shaking all over with every fiber of my being. I couldn't stop. In spite of being still drugged, my body and my brain knew what I had been through and it was just too much.

Such details are as real to me in this very moment as they were seventeen years ago. It's as if time has not passed. Yet there are other details about that day and evening and into the following days that I couldn't recall if you tortured me in an attempt to get me to give more details. 

My Little One--my Panya Ruth--was gone. Praying hadn't worked. Begging hadn't worked. Crying hadn't worked. Wanting desperately with every fiber of my being hadn't worked. NOTHING had worked to keep from happening what clearly was inevitable. 

I currently should have a son in his senior year of high school; a daughter as a junior; Samuel a sophomore; and an eleven-year old in 5th grade. 

Days like today have gotten easier to get through over the years, but time has not lessened my desperate desire to have ALL my children here with me. I imagine that my "Little One" would be short and stocky, like her mom, with a shy, yet friendly personality--opposite of her mom. I imagine that her favorite color would be pink, but she would hang out with her dad and older brother at any and every opportunity--even if it meant fishing or hunting. So yes, she would wear pink camo--and look absolutely adorably gorgeous! She would have dark hair and brown eyes. She would love to read; she and I would constantly be reading books together and discussing them. 

Don't think that I am falling back into depression again. I'm not. Praise the Lord. It is a simple truth that having lost a very much wanted baby has left a hole in my heart--3 holes when I include James Isaac and Anna Rose, as well. These holes heal, but have left painful scar tissue that is irritated most on anniversaries/birthdays and holidays.

So don't worry about, but please do pray for me. The enemy likes to

attack me more during days like today than usual. I am finally learning how to combat him, though. With the power of the Holy Spirit and the armor of God that I put on daily, I am able to STAND FIRM against him. The battle has already been won. My Little One is in heaven, safe in the loving arms of Jesus Himself, ready and waiting for the wonderful day when I will join her and be able to hold her myself.

In the meantime, God has anointed me with His oil of Joy and I hope and pray that I live a life worthy of His anointing.

Let's each Sing our own Song

Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist: "The world will tell you how to live, if you let it. Don't let it. Take up your space. Raise your voice. Sing your song. This is your chance to make or remake a life that thrills you" (104).

Why is it that sometimes we need "permission" to live our lives as WE see fit rather than as everyone else sees fit?! My counselor has been telling me for years that I have to make my own life; I have to do what I need to do for Polly and quit worrying about whether or not what I do pleases anyone other than Polly--and God. (I feel that God's approval goes without saying, but sometimes I need to be sure I clarify that because without Him, I am nothing.) 

Part of what added to Shauna's anxiety, as she describes in her book, was her attempt at living to please everyone but herself--what SHE wanted in life. She told herself, or as I see it--she allowed herself to believe lies from the enemy, that if it was something that came available, God must have opened the door, so it was her responsibility to walk through it--every time.

I can relate!!! 

You????

I've been offered a job that I know I'd love, but yet I'm very happy and fulfilled where I am. Well, it must be from God, so I'd better quit where I am and accept the new job....right?!

Isn't that how we tend to think??? It's one way we have always felt the Lord telling us what He wants us to do, isn't it? I know it has been for me--many times in the past. Thankfully, most of the time the doors that have opened that I've walked through have been the "right" doors for me at those times of my life, but there have been a few times when I felt that just because such-and-such opportunity arose that it must be from God. Maybe it was, but that didn't necessarily mean I HAD to accept. 

For example, when my husband and I first moved to Missouri, I applied for jobs EVERYWHERE. The only type of job I could get, though--even though I already had my BS in English Education and was almost finished with my MA--was as an administrative assistant. I took what I was able to get and learned a lot from the jobs I had, especially about computers. But my heart was in teaching, so I continued to try to get a job as a teacher throughout the time we lived in Missouri. Then, within a week after making the decision to move back to North Carolina, I received a call from the college my husband was attending, asking me if I still wanted a position with them. As honored as I was that they finally called me, I knew in my heart-of-hearts, deep down in my soul that moving back to North Carolina was the best choice for my husband and me.

It was difficult, but I turned down the job offer.

I believe that God allows opportunities to open up for us, but He leaves it up to us as to whether or not we accept/receive it. I don't believe it's disobedience to Him and what He has for us if we go in a different direction. My God is a God of free will. He wants us to CHOOSE Him above ALL. When we choose one door over another, He honors us for our decision because we took the time to seek Him and because we work as unto Him and not for ourselves. 

Yes, sometimes we realize that we made a mistake, but most of the time, I believe that God simply wants us to do the thing that He has placed in our hearts to do. He wants us to SING OUR SONG. He wants ME to sing MY OWN song. My song is probably different from your song. That doesn't mean we can't both sing our songs. It simply means that both CHOOSING to SING!!!

I LOVE to sing even though I may not have a voice others want to

listen to. I read a book once that talked about how we don't want to come to the end of our lives with our song still in our hearts. So even if your song is different from my song, let's join our voices in song and God Himself will take care of the harmony!!!!

I DARE you to DO the THING that God has called you to do!!!

We are so Precious to God.....

"10 Just then a hand touched me and lifted me, still trembling, to my hands and knees. 11 And the man said to me, “Daniel, you are very precious to God, so listen carefully to what I have to say to you. Stand up, for I have been sent to you.” When he said this to me, I stood up, still trembling.

12 Then he said, “Don’t be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day you began to pray for understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your request has been heard in heaven. I have come in answer to your prayer. 13 But for twenty-one days the spirit prince[c] of the kingdom of Persia blocked my way. Then Michael, one of the archangels,[d] came to help me, and I left him there with the spirit prince of the kingdom of Persia." Daniel 10:10-13, NLT

In all the years I have read and studied my Bible, one of my favorite Bible stories has always been Daniel in the lion's den--and another was the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abnego in the fiery furnace. Beyond that, I knew the book of Daniel was about the end times, but I never paid much attention about those parts of the book.

Recently, though, in Sunday School, we have been doing Priscilla Shirer's new Bible Study, The Armor of God. The first lesson is all about understanding the importance of prayer as our first piece of armor and how we are already IN the heavenly realms. (If you need a new Bible Study, I highly recommend this one. It's fantastic.)

Anyway....

As I was doing my Bible reading this week, I was in the book of Daniel and I discovered that I have not given enough credit to the whole book. I "discovered" Daniel 9:23: "23 The moment you began praying, a command was given. And now I am here to tell you what it was, for you are very precious to God." (NLT) Even though I have read my Bible through a number of times throughout my life, it was as if I was reading this passage for the very first time. And it really struck me with a Holy Spirit power how Gabriel told Daniel that a command was given THE MOMENT Daniel began praying--and that Daniel was VERY PRECIOUS to God.

Do you see that? THE MOMENT Daniel began praying, God was answering his prayer. THE MOMENT Daniel began praying, God dispatched Gabriel to go to Daniel to minister to him and to explain the vision Daniel had seen. Daniel was so VERY PRECIOUS to God that THE MOMENT he began praying, God was hearing, listening, at the ready to respond.

Wow. I saw in awe of this passage and read it and re-read it probably a hundred times over the next several days. I shared it with my ladies in Sunday School and they seemed as much in awe of it as I was.

Then throughout the following days, I read Daniel 10 and I came to the passage above. Again, the angel Gabriel was sent to minister to Daniel THE FIRST DAY Daniel began praying to God. Of course, after getting excited over Daniel 9, I sat up straighter and paid more careful attention to the passage as a whole.

Notice carefully, though, that in spite of the fact that God sent Gabriel THE FIRST DAY Daniel began praying, it took him 21 days to get to Daniel. Do you see why?

That's the part that really struck me. Stay with me here.

As Gabriel was on his way to Daniel, he was blocked the "spirit of Persia." Now, whether you believe me or not, it is my understanding that this "spirit of Persia" is Satan, or at least one of Satan's minions. The "enemy" (Satan) kept the angel Gabriel from getting to Daniel for 21 days even though he had begun his journey to Daniel THE FIRST DAY Daniel had prayed to God! According to one source, the number 21 in the Bible represents "the great wickedness of rebellion and sin."  

Even the angels of God are subject to the enemy's determination to destroy our relationship with our Savior. 

Twenty-one days. That's almost a month. It's 3 weeks. In earthly terms, that's a LONG time. Or, it can be. 

But what I really want us to notice here is the fact that AS SOON AS Daniel began praying, God sent Gabriel to him, but Gabriel was detained. Daniel was considered "precious to God."

Do you realize that WE are considered PRECIOUS TO GOD, too?! Do you realize that THE MOMENT we begin praying, God sends His angels to minister to us?! Do you realize, though, that like Gabriel going to Daniel, the angels sent to us are also blocked by the enemy and/or his minions?! Do you understand that God RESPONDS TO OUR PRAYERS IMMEDIATELY? But the enemy knows that God answering our prayers is one way that we grow in our relationship with Him, so He does everything in his power to keep the angels of God from getting to us?!

So while we're on earth in our human bodies, crying and moaning and despairing of ever receiving a response from God, maybe, just maybe, God began answering our prayers THE MOMENT we began praying! 

We are Precious to God.

The Moment we begin praying to Him, He moves to answer.

God is a God who has given us free will which means that we must Pray as a way of letting Him know that we Receive Him--the gift of His Son--before He moves. But the MOMENT we begin praying, He is at the ready to respond!

The enemy is going to do everything he can to keep us from having a deeper relationship with our Lord and Savior. 

So the next time you pray and you don't receive an answer in the timeline you feel is appropriate, just remind the enemy that no matter how long he blocks God's angels from getting to you, you will WAIT because God answered your prayers the MOMENT you began praying. It is the enemy who keeps that answer from getting to us.

God HEARS and ANSWERS our prayers AS SOON AS we begin Praying, but we must begin praying first.

Hallelujah!

Do I Need You More?

Some time ago, we were singing "I Need You More" (see below for the words and a link to a video) and another song that is similar, "You're All I Need" (this may be a song we sing that is personal for our church because I cannot find the lyrics or a video for it) during our amazing worship service at church. As we were worshiping, I focused carefully on the words I was singing: "I need You more....more than anything...." and I began to weep as I realized that I was lying as I sang those words.

I was singing these words to my Lord and Savior, but I did not mean them. 

All I could think was that I did not need Him more than anything...what I NEEDED more than

anything were my babies, here, with me, alive, in my arms, running around the church, praising the Lord with me, warm bodies pressed against my leg or my heart as I held them close. I needed to be able to call them down when they got too loud during preaching. I needed to give them paper to draw on as they colored. I needed a little body sitting on my lap, snuggling close as we listened to Daddy preach the Word of the Lord.

I NEEDED my babies, not Jesus.

The guilt overwhelmed me as I had to quit singing because I could not sing words that were a lie. It was in that moment that I realized that I needed serious help. I realized that because of my desperate need to have my babies with me--alive, whole, and healthy--I was desperately angry at God because they weren't. I didn't want--or need--God; I wanted, NEEDED, my babies.

I do not believe that there is anything inherently wrong in my need for my babies I have lost. The problem was that I was playing the Victim Card. The problem was that I was looking at and Seeing what I had lost--what I didn't have--rather than what I had/have. The problem was that I had lost my JOY [in living]. The problem was that I was Angry at God because I had served Him my whole life and I didn't understand Why. 

The problem was that I had turned my back on the very One who desperately wanted to Love me...to Comfort me....to show me that He was holding my babies in His loving arms and that they are all waiting for me to join them [one day].

I wish I could tell you that my broken, angry heart was healed that very day as I realized how far I'd turned my back on God, but the simple truth is that the pain went deep into my very soul and I had to deal with my anger at God before healing and restoration could take place. 

I think that as Christians we can get very frustrated--angry--hurt--feeling left out when we see others restored instantaneously through the power of the Holy Ghost but yet we have to travel a long journey to get to complete healing and restoration. What do those others have that I don't have? Why does God "favor" them by restoring them immediately? Why do I have to pay for months, years, of counseling? 

Why?!

I have come to realize that there isn't an answer to my questions. Things simply ARE the way they are. God sees, He KNOWS, the bigger picture. He knows when we need instant healing and when we need to travel a journey. 

I didn't want Christ. I didn't NEED Him. I wanted--NEEDED--my babies. And as we sang a song about needing my Lord more than I needed anything else, I found that I didn't need Him more than the air I was breathing or my next heartbeat. I NEEDED my babies. 

But that thinking, that NEED, was stealing my Joy. It was keeping me in a place of extreme Rage--at God, my husband, my family, at Life. My very soul was in darkness.

It is as I have come to truly realize my desperate NEED for my Lord and Savior that I am finding JOY again. It is in finding my NEED for Him that my Rage abated. As I allowed myself to NEED Him more than anything, I found my soul living in the Light.

Do I still want my babies here with me rather than in Heaven with Christ? You bet your bippy, I do. I absolutely wish things had been different. I would much rather have James Isaac here, driving us around and helping us teach his younger brother and sisters everything he has learned. I would much rather have three kids in high school and one in middle school. It would not bother me in the slightest to buy Christmas presents for 4 children instead of just one. I would love to be able to have all 4 children wear matching t-shirts with my husband and I. I would love to be able to do the "girly" things (whatever they would want that to be) with my girls. It would be really awesome if James Isaac, Panya Ruth, and Anna Rose were all here with their brother, Samuel.

But living without Christ being ALL I NEED is not a good place to be. Living with Christ as ALL I NEED has been everything I need. And that is enough.....

"I Need You More" as sung by Kim Walker-Smith, Jesus Culture

I need You more
More than yesterday
I need You Lord
More than words can say I need You more
Than ever before
I need You Lord
I need You Lord

More than the air I breathe
More than the song I sing
More than the next heartbeat
More than anything
And Lord as time goes by
I'll be by Your side
Cause I never want to go back to my old life

I need You more...

We give you the Highest Praise!
We give you the Highest Praise!

A We give you the Highest Praise!

More than the air I breathe
More than the songs I sing
More than anything, I need you more..

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  • Music

• License

Works Cited

Shen, Jean. "Series 1: Healing of Wounds of the Bride and Growing Intimacy with the Lord." Invitation to His Garden. Prophetic Art. Web. 6 Sept. 2014. <http://www.jbrushwork.com/html/paintings.html>.

Walker-Smith, Kim. I Need You More. Jesus Culture. 2011. Youtube. Web. 16 May 2016. <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6rS_V0TTeY>.

God has restored my...[Giggle]

"Tara Strick

April 14 at 10:55pm ·

For those who know me since forever, I giggle it's like a known part of who I am. 15 years ago I lost that. I lost my ray of sunshine. And I didn't even notice it.
Thank god I found it again it's only been back 4 years and I am so grateful to have the ability to find joy in every situation given to me- I do search in odd ways only I get- but still I can giggle. Again. Finally. What ever you are going through don't lose who you are, not your joy, it's so hard to recover it. And thanks again for answered prayers I don't have to fight anymore. I can giggle."

For 15+ years, like me, my friend Tara has struggled with life:  depression, anxiety, sadness, inability just to enjoy life and especially friends.  Socializing, for me, has been next to impossible.  It's very difficult being around people and pretending to feel fine when in reality, I'm screaming and wanting to do nothing more than curl into a ball and die.  Pretending to be fine is a LOT of work.  It's very exhausting.

But Tara said that in recent months, maybe for a few years, she's been able to giggle again--for real--from deep inside her soul--without pretending.  A real, true, honest-to-goodness, heartfelt Giggle that says to me, "Life is good.  God is good.  I am good.  I am even happy--experiencing the true Joy of the Lord."

Tara said exactly what I have been feeling lately.  While her testament to Life/Joy/Laughter returning has been finding her Giggle again, mine has been finding not only a desire to be social again (to go to parties, friends' homes, social events, etc.), but to truly ENJOY being SOCIAL again.

Pretending was just too difficult--to hard--too exhausting--too painful.  But God's healing power is evident because I want to do things again.  I actually have FUN again in BEING in social situations.  No more anxiety!  No more shyness!  No more pretending!  Wow.  It's ONLY through God that this is possible, my friends.  The pain runs deep.  The anxiety has been--was--real.  Debilitating.  The despair made me consider ending it all.  Yes, suicide was a very real possibility.  My marriage was all but destroyed.

God's miraculous power is evident in Tara being able to Giggle again.

God's miraculous power is evident in my being able to be around people again.

God's miraculous healing power is evident in both Tara and I because we are finally able to LIVE in and through Christ again!!!

Praise the Lord!!!!  Hallelujah!!!!  Thank You, Lord!!!!

I'd much rather be LIVING in Christ than wallowing in the despair and misery of the past 16+ years.  The pit of despair is a debilitating place to be.  Living life through and in Christ is FREEING!!!

"My chains are GONE!  I'VE BEEN SET FREE!!!"

Wow.  That song has new meaning for me...

Thank You, Lord, for setting me free--for freeing Tara.  May we never be locked in those terrible destructive chains again.  May we continue to grow--to live--to find Joy in You.  Continue, Lord, please, to pour out Your anointing oil of Joy on me more than on anyone else.  Thank You, Lord.  Thank You.

"Amazing Grace/My Chains Are Gone" Chris Tomlin

Your Ways are not my Ways, O Lord

Your ways are not my ways, O Lord.

I understand that.  I don’t doubt Your ways.

I don’t question Your purpose for my life.

I long to do Your will and follow the

            path You have for my life.

But, I am afraid, of my past and of my future.

I try to follow Your word:

            to not worry about tomorrow

            because tomorrow will take thought

            of the things of itself

                        and to

            Trust in You with all my heart and

            not lean unto my own understanding,

            in all my ways to acknowledge You

            so that You may direct my paths.

But reality hits me like a Mac truck and

I again feel the warm, unmoving body

            of my beautiful, beloved son in my arms.

I again feel his deathly cold skin against

            my lips as I kissed him that one and only time.

I remember all the blood indicating a second loss.

I notice my empty womb when others’

            all around me are full and growing.

Does Your plan for me include such blessings?

The hurt is deep and strong,

But I promise, O Lord my God,

to continue to seek Your will

And to always trust in You.

I still desire that my life be a living testimony of You.

Even when the pain is so overwhelming that I wonder

if the wounds will ever be completely healed -

You are my King, my Lord, and my God.

                                   

                                                                        - Polly Anna Watson

                                                                                    April 15, 2000