Dance with Joy: Part 2

2 Samuel 6: 14, 21-22, NLT

14: And David danced before the Lord with all his might....

21: David retorted to Michal, "I was dancing before the Lord, who chose me above your father and his family! He appointed me as the leader of Israel, the people of the Lord. So I am willing to act like a fool in order to show my joy in the Lord.
22: Yes, and I am willing to look even more foolish than this...!"

David tells Michal that he dances before the Lord because the Lord chose him above Saul and his descendants to be the leader of Israel--in other words, the King of Israel. I am sure David had many other reasons for dancing before the Lord considering the fact that God had saved David from both a bear and a lion and had given David victory over the giant Goliath, but I guess becoming King of a nation loved by God would hold precedence over everything else.

As I read David's retort to Michal, I can't help but think of my own reasons for dancing before the Lord, for showing my own Joy in the Lord.....(in no particular order):

1. I am here. I have almost died several times in my life, but yet here I am, 45 and still here. 

• When I was about 3 years old, I almost drowned. My parents were the directors of a church camp and Dad was repairing the olympic size swimming pool. While water was running into the deep end, my brother and I ran down the incline to touch our toes to the water. Dad was working at the other end of the pool, but when I slipped and went right under, you'd think he'd been standing immediately beside me considering how fast he got to me! All I remember is seeing the smiley face on his black sneakers.
• As a teenager, I choked on a piece of meat during supper. My brother had to perform the Heimlich and saved my life. 
• I had a car accident that should have killed me, but didn't. I stupidly tried to pass a school bus on the way home from school. When I realized I didn't have enough time to pass, I slammed on my breaks too hard which sent my car spinning in the road until it careened over the edge of a ravine, landing with the front end up at the top of the embankment. Miraculously, I walked away.
• In my early twenties, just days before my wedding, I had another car accident that should have killed me, but again, didn't. I had called my mom before I left work and asked if she wanted to meet me for lunch at my favorite place. She'd agreed. As I didn't want to eat in my work uniform, I decided to race home to change clothes real quick since I had a few minutes before she would be able to leave work. As I was coming up to a cool hill, I did my normal going too fast up and over the hill. Usually, that wasn't a problem, but this time, I didn't slow down enough in time to go around the sharp curve. I went off the right side of the road, jerked the steering wheel to the left, causing the car to swerve to the opposite side of the road where it hit a ditch, went front end over back--at least twice, took out a bush-like tree in the front yard of a friend's house, and landed upside down with the roof caved in so badly that had I been any taller, I would either have broken my neck or it would have killed me. I walked away from that one, too.
• At 29, while I was pregnant, my doctors found a cyst on my left ovary. At first, it was about the size a golf ball, if not a little smaller. Within 6 weeks, though, it grew to the size of a grapefruit. They determined that it had to come out, so they operated while I was 20 weeks pregnant! They called it a "tumor," but, Praise the Lord, it was "benign," whatever that means.
• In my late thirties, I had a severe infection from diverticulitis
  
  that resulted in my having emergency surgery where I was given an ostomy bag that I had to have for three months--just to save my life. (I've written about this one in detail in a previous post if you want to know more.)
• Since that time, I have dealt with other health issues such as chronic gastritis, two hernias--that I still have because they don't bother me enough to do anything about yet, severe back pain, severe shoulder pain, and others. I have also had mental health issues such as depression and anxiety.

2. God has restored my marriage. Just a few short years ago, I was ready to call my marriage Quits-ville. I was DONE. I hated my husband. I was angry with my husband. The very sight of him sent me into a rage. But yet God has given me a new love and respect for this man I once hated.

3. God has given me my Son, Samuel. Yes, he is a "rainbow baby."

4. Through each of my 3 child losses, God has been with me. Remember that "Footprints" poem? God has carried me a LOT over the past 17 years.

5. I have AMAZING parents who love and serve God with all their hearts, all their minds, all their souls, and all their strength and who love me unconditionally---and they demonstrate their love for me in a thousand different ways. I am truly blessed.

6. I have AWESOME siblings, Kenny (11 months older) and Katie (7 years younger), whom I love with every fiber of my being and who I know love me, regardless of whether we communicate with one another every day or only a few times a year.

7. I have WONDERFUL extended family members who make me laugh as no one else can. We enjoy being together and again, even if we don't see each other or communicate with one another for years, when we get together again, the laughter and the love has a strength that can only come from God above.

8. I have a job that I love. I know that I am doing what God called me to do in my teaching. Even at the highest moments of stress, I still enjoy my students.

9. I have a wonderful home with air conditioning and heat and all the other fantastic comforts that make a home.

10. I have a great car that I call "Lady Grey."

11. He delights in me!!!

12. He loves me so much that He gave His ONLY Son so that I might have eternal life with Him. 

13. He sings over me with Joy!!!  
Zephaniah 3:17New Living Translation (NLT)

17 "For the Lord your God is living among you.
    He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
    With his love, he will calm all your fears.[a]
    He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”

And my list can go on and on because God has done so very much for me. Any one of the items on this list is sufficient to demonstrate the reason why I am willing to act the fool to show my joy in the Lord! Granted, I don't always dance to demonstrate my joy, but I do sing with great enthusiasm (if not perfect pitch). I play the tambourine that my Grandpa Keefer used to play in church. Honestly, I'd love to dance, too, but singing and playing the tambourine at the same time are challenging enough! Whenever I attempt to add dancing into the mix, I either have to stop singing or I have to stop playing the tambourine! I can't do all 3 at once!

I try to find other ways to demonstrate my joy in the Lord, such as doing a daily "What brings me Joy?" post on Facebook. I continually seek for and read scripture pertaining to Joy. I have read a dozen books or more on Joy. I try to spread His joy and to demonstrate His love to the best of my ability. 

God has done so very much for me. I have every reason in the world to praise Him and to be the fool to show my show in Him. I KNOW that I am here today and that I am able to choose Joy because He loves me and has always taken care of me.

Will (do) you make a fool of yourself to show your joy in the Lord? What are your reasons for rejoicing in Him? How do you demonstrate your joy?

Both Joy-Full and Sad

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”   ― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Those who know me at all, know that one my recent favorite books is The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. I fell in love with this book while on a school trip a few years ago as my students had the movie version playing on the bus. I tried to avoid watching it since I hadn't read the book yet, but that proved impossible. The story sucked me in and I was reading the book on my Nook by the time the movie ended and I finished reading the book in about two days.

The above quote comes very early in the book and it is one of the themes of the book that stands out the most to me because I feel exactly that way. In recent years, I have been both Joy-full and sad. Yes, at the same time. I find myself laughing from deep within my soul while sobbing my heart out. Or vice versa. 

It has been a very confusing and difficult time.

No matter how hard I try, no matter how many passages I read in the Bible (including the Psalms), no matter how much I worship, no matter how soul-deep my laughter, no matter how big my smile, I am still sad. Sadness has become an ever-present companion. 

But even in my sadness, I find myself enjoying reading my Bible, I love worshipping my Lord and Savior, I laugh from the very depths of my being, and I smile with every part of my being. Being Joy-full has become second nature for me. I believe that God has anointed me with His oil of Joy more than He has anyone else (Psalm 45:7 & Hebrews 1:9, NLT).

When I first saw the movie Inside Out, I wept with Joy because it seems to reveal that what I feel is completely normal. In order to know True Joy, we must also know True Sadness. One cannot BE without the other. It is in our deepest sadness that we are able to experience true, uninhibited Joy. Those who have experienced the deepest of sorrows KNOW what True Sadness is, so when we are able to find and experience True Joy in life, we KNOW what that means.

I am not doing a very good job of explaining what I am trying to say, I know. Let me try saying this another way.

The past few weeks have been filled with an incredible amount of Great Joy. I had a positive employee evaluation. Seven beloved ladies and I went to the Women of Joy Conference in Pigeon Forge, TN. Not only did the eight of us have a wonderful time together, but we had a wonderful time at each of the sessions. And best of all, I got to meet Chonda Pierce AND Margaret Feinberg!!! And have my picture taken with BOTH!!! And each autographed her book for me!!!! Talk about the HEIGHT OF JOY!!!!!

Then the weekend after that, my uncle got married, we had a family reunion (maternal), and my son turned 15! We have a WONDERFUL time. We laughed! We talked, shouted, really. (We're a loud group, it's true.) We sang. We ate. And we laughed a whole lot more. My husband and son even seemed to enjoy themselves--as much as is possible with a whole bunch of people they'd never even met, that is! It was truly a weekend full of Joy-full family time.

Then it was the end of the semester and graduation, which was a lot of fun--even though I wasn't allowed to woo-hoo. I did hug as many students as I was able as they finished getting their pictures taken! And I finished my grades and other paperwork on time!!

And Mother's Day was so sweet. My boys bought me a wonderful gift--exactly what I wanted, needed, and asked for.

But then, the other day, as I was sitting at my desk working on nothing in particular, but yet something important, I felt this wave of sadness descend on me. Imagine an ocean descending from above, slowly, and engulfing you completely. You can breathe, but at the same time, you're struggling for air. There is no up. There is no down. There is only the sadness completely surrounding you, washing over you and keeping you under water.

And no matter how much you laugh, no matter how much you smile, no matter how much you read your Bible or worship, you remain in the depths of this ocean of sadness, unable to find, let alone break, the surface.

But my God is a big God. He is bigger than this sadness that has engulfed me. I will NOT let it keep me down. I will continue to read my Bible. I will continue to worship and praise my Lord. I will keep laughing. I will keep smiling. I will keep loving.

I will allow the Lord to anoint me with His oil of Joy.....I will NOT be defeated by the Sadness.

Works Cited

Shen, Jean. "Series 1: Healing of Wounds of the Bride and Growing Intimacy with the Lord." Invitation to His Garden. Prophetic Art. Web. 6 Sept. 2014. <http://www.jbrushwork.com/html/paintings.html>.

Evidence of the Reality of God

*Warning: this is going to be VERY personal. Please read with love and understanding.*

Three short years ago, I thought my little family was finished. I honestly believed that a few short months after Christmas would see an end to my marriage. James and I had come to a place of being roommates rather than husband and wife. We had separated for a few weeks and I was DONE. I had decided I did not want to deal with our problems any more. I had come to a place where my anger towards my husband was so severe, NOTHING he did was right or good enough. EVERYTHING he did ticked me off and made me want to punch him in the throat. I was ready to walk away from my marriage and never look back--without any regrets.

I did not buy James a single present for Christmas. Samuel did, but I didn't. James got me something that he wanted and that only made me angry because it was what he wanted rather than something I wanted. I didn't even want James in the house let alone have him present while Samuel opened his Christmas presents that I had gotten for him.

Even my family back east did not want him anywhere near them. He was told that he was unwelcome at my parents' family gathering for Christmas. 

I will not apologize for my honesty. Every word in the truth and then some. It really was even worse than I am describing.

But God had other plans. I want you to know that it is ONLY by His grace and mercy that my family is not only together this Christmas, but that we are enjoying being together. As I watched my husband and son opening their presents earlier this evening, I was filled with overwhelming love for them both and great JOY at the fact that we are spending this special time TOGETHER.

I have not missed the Christmas miracle of these moments this year. God has restored my marriage--my family. No, things are not perfect between James and me, but I no longer hate him; I no longer want to punch him the throat just because he walks by; I no longer think that every single thing he does is wrong. I like being around him. He actually makes me laugh again. 

If you need any evidence of the reality of God, who He is, and of what He has done for us, look no further than at His Restoration of my little family. I am in awe as I sit here looking at the pictures we took tonight and how wonderful our time together has been this Christmas compared to just a short time ago. 

My prayer this Christmas is that you will all see--find--the true JOY of Jesus Christ and KNOW that He is REAL and He continues to work miracles in our lives--not just "Christmas" miracles--but miracles.

Thank you, Jesus!

Works Cited

Shen, Jean. "Series 1: Healing of Wounds of the Bride and Growing Intimacy with the Lord." Invitation to His Garden. Prophetic Art. Web. 6 Sept. 2014. <http://www.jbrushwork.com/html/paintings.html>.

100 Reasons Family is Important

‪#‎Journaling Prompt: Blood Is Thicker Than Water. Write 100 reasons that family is important.

1.  Simply because I love them.

2.  And because they love me....Hallelujah.....whether I'm love-able or not!

3.  They are PRESENT when I need them--even when they are far away.

4.  I try to be PRESENT when they need me--even if I can't BE in the same room.

5.  They are always on my side--even if/when I am in the wrong.

6.  They always have my back. (I know it's basically the same things as #4, but I have 95 more of these to go!)

7.  They know how to make me feel special.

8.  They know how to make me feel important.

9.  They know how to make me feel loved.

10.  They encourage me.

11.  They believe in me.

12.  I learn from them.

13.  They tell me the truth....what I NEED to hear, not what I WANT to hear.

14.  They provide desperately needed support.

15.  They pick me up when I fall down.

16.  Of all the people in my life, I know that they would sincerely miss me were anything ever to happen to me.

17.  I never have to doubt them...in any way, shape, form, or fashion.

18.  Whether we apologize or not for wronging one another, we ALWAYS forgive one another.

19.  My mom knows what love to eat and she does her best to make those things for me or to provide them for me.

20.  My dad knows I love to talk and even though he isn't a big talker himself, he lets me talk and will even respond to me.

21.  My sister cares enough to want me to get healthy and she tries to live by example.  (I try to pay attention.  I really do.)

22.  My brother has always been my hero.  He might beat me up--well, he used to, but I have always known that he would fight to the death for me if the need arose.

23.  My parents have kept me fed for most of my life.

24.  My parents have clothed me for most of my life.

25.  Mom and Baba even used to make my clothes for me since it has always been so difficult finding anything to fit properly--what with my being so short and wide.

26.  Baba gave me a love for women's ankles!  :)

27.  Gramdpa taught me so much about faith and how to live out my faith.

28.  Grandpa was THE BEST hugger in the world!  I want to be just like him!

29.  Mom hugs me every time she sees me.  (Sometimes I even get kisses!)

30.  Dad hugs me every time he sees me.  (Sometimes I even get kisses from him, too!)

31.  Katie hugs me every time she sees me!

32.  Kenny hugs me, too, albeit begrudgingly!  :)  It's ok.

33.  Kella hugs me every time she sees me!

34.  Kenny and Kella have come to be with me--to sit with me--over the years when I have had my various surgeries....even when all I was able to do was sit and/or sleep.  Thank you!!!!

35.  Ellen hugs me when she sees me, too!

36.  Ellen cuts my hair!  She would probably do it for free, but I love that she has grown up to do something so awesome and I am proud to be able to thank her in payment for helping me look at least halfway decent, if not pretty!

37.  Scott hugs me when he sees me, too!

38.  Even Nate gives me hugs!  

39.  James' side of our family has always made me loved and welcome, too.

40.  When I spilled my soft drink on Betty Ruth's white carpet the first time I ever met her, she never made me feel stupid for doing it--even though I'm sure under normal circumstances she would have passed out seeing her carpet stained like that!  Thank you, Betty Ruth!

41.  The Watson clan has always tried to work with our schedules and visits home so we could see and visit with as many of them as possible.

42.  I even get hugs from so many of my beloved Watson family members!

43.  They put up with my quirks.

44.  They put up with my eccentricities.

45.  They indulge my passion for books!

46.  They indulge my passion for pandas!

47.  They put up with my passion for life--in other words, my being LOUD!

48.   They KNOW me...the REAL me.

49.  They GET me.

50.  I always have a place to stay when I visit.

51.  They actually come visit me because they WANT to see me and spend time with me!

52.  They read my facebook posts!

53.  They "Life" my facebook posts!

54.  They read my blog entries!

55.  They read a lot of stuff that I write and share with them.

56.  They even seem to want to read some of the things I write!

57.  They will read books I suggest they read.

58.  They will watch movies I recommend.

59.  They recommend books to me--that I read.

60.  They recommend movies to me--that I watch.

61.  They will watch a tv show I recommend.

62.  I read books they recommend.

63.  I watch movies they recommend.

64.  I watch tv shows they recommend.

65.  We have inside jokes.

66.  I get hugs from each of my uncles, too!

67.  They share my faith.

68.  They come to my defense--quickly.

69.  Mom cuts my toenails for me--when she is able!

70.  We actually WANT TO spend time together.

71.  When we spend time together, we get along--mostly!

72.  Dad builds things for me--bookshelves, a swing, a cabinet where I've kept my DVDs for years, and on and on....

73.  Dad fixes things for me--the list is too long even to try to begin!

74.  We LAUGH together.....a lot.  (This is one of my favorites.)

75.  They laugh at my inane jokes.

76.  They love my son--as much as I do....

77.  They support my decisions--right, wrong, or just plain unusual.

78.  They buy things for me that I actually like.

79.  They buy things for me that I actually want.

80.  Even when I have been too busy to call, they still contact me.

81.  They actually THINK about me periodically!

82.  They don't criticize--too much!  :)

83.  They know what makes me tick.

84.  They let me help them--when I am able!  Or know what I am doing!

85.  Plain and simply, they are WONDERFUL.

86.  Mom and Dad took us all to Disney World several times when we were kids!

87.  Katie went with James, Samuel, and I to Disney World last year--because I wanted to go!

88.  They always make me feel at home.

89.  They remember.

90.  They have looked through the many scrapbooks I have made!

91.  They have gone all the way out to Missouri even just to

visit me.  Now THAT's true love!

92.  We sing together.

93.  We play together.

94.  We all love to play board games--together.

95.  We all love to play card games--together.

96.  They know my friends as well as I do--sometimes even better than I do!

97.  Their friends become my friends simply by association.

98.  My friends become their friends simply by association.

99.  They love me.  They really do love me!

100.  They PRAY FOR ME.

This is for the loved ones of the Grieving

(I do not mean to imply that the loved ones are not grieving as well.  I am simply using it as a term to help with the content of this blog post.  For the purposes of this post, I mean “the Grieving” as in the one(s) who suffered the actual physical loss.  I need distinction between them and the families.)

 From day one after losing my Precious James Isaac, I have had to deal with—put up with—hurtful comments from well-meaning loved ones, friends, and family.  I was told that the cord was wrapped around James Isaac’s neck because I had lifted my hands above my head [too often].  Instead of light switches in our house, we had strings hanging from the ceiling so every time I turned on a light, I had to lift my arm above my head. 

I was told things like “God just needed another angel up in heaven.”

I was told that I just need to “get over it and move on.”

I had one scripture after another quoted to me—as if I had not already been studying and reading scripture like a hungry mother wolf getting her nourishment. 

I cannot even begin to tell you all the hurtful things said to me over the years simply because there are too many and because I honestly have tried—very hard—to forget them.  Otherwise it would be too difficult to spend time with these same people day to day because some of these well-meaning well-wishers were/are close friends and family.  I love them too much to hurt them in return.  They did not mean to hurt me.  They simply wanted to DO or SAY something to make things better and they thought that what they were doing or saying was helping. 

Sadly, there were wrong.

So this one is for you, Beloved Friends and Family members. 

*Whatever you do, do not make it about you.  If you are hurt because the Griever did not tell you she was pregnant to begin with, that is understandable, but that was not your decision to make.  Maybe if you let your loved one tell you the whole story—if she is able to share it, you will learn the whys and wherefores and then you will find that you are ashamed of yourself for being offended in the first place.  Yes, you are grieving, too because you love your Griever so very much, but in this case, it is not about you; it is about her. 

*Let her share as much as she is able in her own time and in her own way.  I promise you that if you give her space and let her know that you are willing to listen—or not, she will open up to you.  It might not be right away, but she will and she will more than appreciate your validation of her heart when you let her share when she is ready.

*There will be days when she will not get out of bed.  Or if she does, she does not make it any further than the couch.  She will not shower.  She will not eat.  She certainly will not get dressed.  She simply cannot face the day.  Do not make her feel bad because she is unable to face the world.  Go to her and snuggle with her.  Hold her hand.  There isn’t any need to talk unless she wants to.  Let her lead you.

*Go sit with her and hold her, hold her hand, cry with her, laugh with her, BE with her.  Hugs are best.

*Words are unnecessary.  You may feel with every fiber of your being the desperate need to share some words of wisdom.  You know in your heart of hearts that the words you have to speak to her are exactly what she needs to hear.  Guess what, Loved One?  The words you so desperately want to say are more than likely NOT the words she needs, wants, or is even ready to hear.  Bite your tongue.  Write them down.  Tell them to someone else.  But do not tell her.  There is a big chance that what you think will be words of comfort will end up being hurtful words that could put a wedge in your relationship when all you were trying to do was make it better.  Your words more than likely will NOT make it better—they will NOT make her feel better.  They will NOT make the pain go away. 

*Telling her, “Call me if you need ANYTHING” or asking “What can I do for you?” are both inadequate in that she has NO idea what she needs.  She knows she needs something, but she has no idea what she needs.  So do not bother offering or asking, just DO.

Do her dishes.  Clean her bathroom.  Do her laundry.  Cook her a meal.  Send her a card just to let her know you are thinking about her.  Buy her something pretty.  Find out, if you do not already know, what she likes and get it for her—a book, knitting thread, a pair of earrings, her favorite drink, her favorite candy, and on and on it goes.  Take her out to lunch.  Take her to a movie you know she would like to see.  If she has other children, take them for a couple of hours one afternoon. 

It really is the little things that matter in the life of your Griever.  It does not take much to help her see and feel your love.  That is what you want more than anything, isn’t it? 

Love her.  Just simply love her.  That will make more of a difference in her life than anything else you could ever do or say.  You will be the one she knows she can depend on, lean on, when she has her bad days, as she most certainly will, even years later.  It has been fifteen and a half years since we first lost our Beloved James Isaac, exactly fifteen since we lost Panya Ruth, and right at ten years since we lost Anna Rose.  Yet I continue to have days when I wonder why life is worth living, and I desperately need my support system to gather around me and hold me up. 

Remember when God told Moses to hold up his staff over the children of Israel as they fought the Amalekites?  (Exodus 17:8-16, NLT)  Whenever Moses’ hands fell, the Israelites started to lose.  When he would raise his hands again, they would begin winning.  When Moses could no longer hold up his arms on his own, Aaron and Hur held up his arms for him:  “As long as Moses held up the staff in his hand, the Israelites had the advantage. But whenever he dropped his hand, the Amalekites gained the advantage. ¹² Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset. ¹³ As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle.” Even the strongest among us will eventually need help.  You, Beloved, get to be that one to come to the rescue.

There is nothing you can do or say—there is nothing you could have done or said—that will (would) change the outcome of what happened with your Precious Griever.  You could not have stopped it.  You in your own power could not protect her no matter what you may think to the contrary.  So do not try to fix it now with words or actions that will only make it worse on your Precious.  Just be there.  Love her.  Give her your unwavering support and unconditional love.

And that will make all the difference in the world….

Trapped

Trapped.

You wanted to help me --

Instead, you trapped me.

You wanted to offer words of comfort -

Instead, you backed me into a corner.

You wanted me to know that you care -

Instead, you made me afraid of you.

Fight or flight.

That’s what we do when we’re trapped,

But I could do neither.

I don’t want to hurt you in my pain,

So I continue to listen...

I continue to look away...

All the while hoping for a way of escape...

Mentally crying out, “Help!  Please help me!  Oh God, HELP ME!”

There is no miraculous rescue -

No one comes to physically free me from your entrapment -

As slowly my soul begins to cry

No tears in my eyes

No tears on my cheeks -

But the cries so intense -

The pain is now more severe for, you see,

You wounded me - reopened the unhealed wound -

when you caught me in your trap.

You only wanted to help me.

Instead you trapped me.

Instead of letting go, I’ve buried my pain

Even deeper than before -

And I wonder. . .will I ever be released from

that trap?

Trapped.

                                                            - Polly Anna Watson

                                                                        March 2, 2000