(I do not mean to imply that the loved ones are not grieving
as well. I am simply using it as a term
to help with the content of this blog post.
For the purposes of this post, I mean “the Grieving” as in the one(s)
who suffered the actual physical loss. I
need distinction between them and the families.)
I was told things like “God just needed another angel up in
heaven.”
I was told that I just need to “get over it and move on.”
I had one scripture after another quoted to me—as if I had
not already been studying and reading scripture like a hungry mother wolf
getting her nourishment.
I cannot even begin to tell you all the hurtful things said
to me over the years simply because there are too many and because I honestly
have tried—very hard—to forget them.
Otherwise it would be too difficult to spend time with these same people
day to day because some of these well-meaning well-wishers were/are close
friends and family. I love them too much
to hurt them in return. They did not
mean to hurt me. They simply wanted to
DO or SAY something to make things better and they thought that what they were
doing or saying was helping.
Sadly, there were wrong.
So this one is for you, Beloved Friends and Family
members.
*Whatever you do, do not make it about you. If you are hurt because the Griever did not
tell you she was pregnant to begin with, that is understandable, but that was not
your decision to make. Maybe if you let
your loved one tell you the whole story—if she is able to share it, you will
learn the whys and wherefores and then you will find that you are ashamed of
yourself for being offended in the first place.
Yes, you are grieving, too because you love your Griever so very much,
but in this case, it is not about you; it is about her.
*Let her share as much as she is able in her own time and in
her own way. I promise you that if you
give her space and let her know that you are willing to listen—or not, she will
open up to you. It might not be right
away, but she will and she will more than appreciate your validation of her
heart when you let her share when she is ready.
*There will be days when she will not get out of bed. Or if she does, she does not make it any
further than the couch. She will not
shower. She will not eat. She certainly will not get dressed. She simply cannot face the day. Do not make her feel bad because she is
unable to face the world. Go to her and
snuggle with her. Hold her hand. There isn’t any need to talk unless she wants
to. Let her lead you.
*Go sit with her and hold her, hold her hand, cry with her,
laugh with her, BE with her. Hugs are
best.
*Words are unnecessary.
You may feel with every fiber of your being the desperate need to share
some words of wisdom. You know in your
heart of hearts that the words you have to speak to her are exactly what she
needs to hear. Guess what, Loved
One? The words you so desperately want
to say are more than likely NOT the words she needs, wants, or is even ready to
hear. Bite your tongue. Write them down. Tell them to someone else. But do not tell her. There is a big chance that what you think will
be words of comfort will end up being hurtful words that could put a wedge in
your relationship when all you were trying to do was make it better. Your words more than likely will NOT make it
better—they will NOT make her feel better.
They will NOT make the pain go away.
*Telling her, “Call me if you need ANYTHING” or asking “What
can I do for you?” are both inadequate in that she has NO idea what she
needs. She knows she needs something,
but she has no idea what she needs. So do
not bother offering or asking, just DO.
Do her dishes. Clean
her bathroom. Do her laundry. Cook her a meal. Send her a card just to let her know you are
thinking about her. Buy her something
pretty. Find out, if you do not already
know, what she likes and get it for her—a book, knitting thread, a pair of
earrings, her favorite drink, her favorite candy, and on and on it goes. Take her out to lunch. Take her to a movie you know she would like
to see. If she has other children, take
them for a couple of hours one afternoon.
It really is the little things that matter in the life of
your Griever. It does not take much to
help her see and feel your love. That is
what you want more than anything, isn’t it?
Love her. Just simply
love her. That will make more of a
difference in her life than anything else you could ever do or say. You will be the one she knows she can depend
on, lean on, when she has her bad days, as she most certainly will, even years
later. It has been fifteen and a half
years since we first lost our Beloved James Isaac, exactly fifteen since we
lost Panya Ruth, and right at ten years since we lost Anna Rose. Yet I continue to have days when I wonder why
life is worth living, and I desperately need my support system to gather around
me and hold me up.
Remember when God told Moses to hold up his staff over the
children of Israel as they fought the Amalekites? (Exodus 17:8-16, NLT) Whenever Moses’ hands fell, the Israelites
started to lose. When he would raise his
hands again, they would begin winning.
When Moses could no longer hold up his arms on his own, Aaron and Hur
held up his arms for him: “As long as Moses held up
the staff in his hand, the Israelites had the advantage. But whenever he
dropped his hand, the Amalekites gained the advantage. 12 Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could
no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then
they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held
steady until sunset. 13 As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army
of Amalek in battle.” Even the strongest among us will
eventually need help. You, Beloved, get
to be that one to come to the rescue.
There is nothing you can do or say—there is nothing you
could have done or said—that will (would) change the outcome of what happened
with your Precious Griever. You could
not have stopped it. You in your own
power could not protect her no matter what you may think to the contrary. So do not try to fix it now with words or
actions that will only make it worse on your Precious. Just be there. Love her.
Give her your unwavering support and unconditional love.
And that will make all the difference in the world….
Trapped
Trapped.
You wanted to help
me --
Instead, you
trapped me.
You wanted to
offer words of comfort -
Instead, you
backed me into a corner.
You wanted me to
know that you care -
Instead, you made
me afraid of you.
Fight or flight.
That’s what we do
when we’re trapped,
But I could do neither.
I don’t want to
hurt you in my pain,
So I continue to
listen...
I continue to look
away...
All the while
hoping for a way of escape...
Mentally crying
out, “Help! Please help me! Oh God, HELP ME!”
There is no
miraculous rescue -
No one comes to physically
free me from your entrapment -
As slowly my soul
begins to cry
No tears in my
eyes
No tears on my
cheeks -
But the cries so
intense -
The pain is now
more severe for, you see,
You wounded me -
reopened the unhealed wound -
when you caught me
in your trap.
You only wanted to
help me.
Instead you
trapped me.
Instead of letting
go, I’ve buried my pain
Even deeper than
before -
And I wonder. .
.will I ever be released from
that trap?
Trapped.
-
Polly Anna Watson
March
2, 2000
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