Your Ways are not my Ways, O Lord

Your ways are not my ways, O Lord.

I understand that.  I don’t doubt Your ways.

I don’t question Your purpose for my life.

I long to do Your will and follow the

            path You have for my life.

But, I am afraid, of my past and of my future.

I try to follow Your word:

            to not worry about tomorrow

            because tomorrow will take thought

            of the things of itself

                        and to

            Trust in You with all my heart and

            not lean unto my own understanding,

            in all my ways to acknowledge You

            so that You may direct my paths.

But reality hits me like a Mac truck and

I again feel the warm, unmoving body

            of my beautiful, beloved son in my arms.

I again feel his deathly cold skin against

            my lips as I kissed him that one and only time.

I remember all the blood indicating a second loss.

I notice my empty womb when others’

            all around me are full and growing.

Does Your plan for me include such blessings?

The hurt is deep and strong,

But I promise, O Lord my God,

to continue to seek Your will

And to always trust in You.

I still desire that my life be a living testimony of You.

Even when the pain is so overwhelming that I wonder

if the wounds will ever be completely healed -

You are my King, my Lord, and my God.

                                   

                                                                        - Polly Anna Watson

                                                                                    April 15, 2000

How do I explain......

How do I explain to those who love me

the overwhelming pain I feel --

            even after all this time?

No matter how hard I try to explain,

they CAN’T understand my pain --

It did not happen to them --

Their child was not ripped from their womb

            and buried in a dark, cold, lonely grave.

They HAVE their babies.

They CAN’T understand.

            They try, but only fail.

It is impossible to understand my pain

            when your child is sitting in your lap,

            or giving you hugs and kisses,

            or even giving you cause for concern.

You see, you CAN’T understand

            because your child is ALIVE.

Mine is NOT.

            At least, not here on this earth for

            me to hold - to touch - to kiss - to hug - to love.

Please.  Stop trying to understand.

Please.  Stop trying to comfort.

What I need is for you to let me grieve -

            to let me hurt.

I must hurt in order to heal.

You don’t have to understand.

You don’t have to comfort.

You don’t even have to speak.

I simply need you to LOVE.

                                                            - Polly Anna Watson

                                                                        March 2, 2000